Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

The more I read the more relevant this question.

Remember Mumsnet it’s an invite not a summons 😉

Nope. It's always daughters-in-law who are unremittingly blamed for any discord in the relationship between their husband and his mother. Always daughters-in-law who have orchestrated any decision their fully autonomous, sentient, functioning adult husbands have made completely off their own bat but which their mothers don't happen to like.

MUST be the woman's fault, right?

Maybe she is resilient most of the year, @SpicedPumpkinLatte, but finds it harder on Mothers’ Day? As @diddl said, it is 25 years since her mum died, but she still finds MD mailings painful. It is literally a day that is all about mothers - so it is no surprise that someone who has lost their mum might find this time of year harder.

Thing is every poster who blames the dil/son that it’s just a day, needs to get over it, should show some resilience. Ahem it’s the op bitching that she’s not being queen for a day, just a day, should get over it and show some resilience.

It goes both ways. Only one of those people is making a fuss and kicking up a stink. Dil ignored text, son said hey we won’t come it’s hard for dil… Que op waahhh

Is this real? If so you seem to be missing your empathy chip

Making a big 'thing' of mother's day is ridiculous, IMO, once your children are grown up. Card, flowers, lovely. Family meals and get togethers: lovely, but don't have to be on mothers day. Will he wish he had spent more time with you when you are dead? Maybe - but not if that time is demanded by you, on your terms OR ELSE!

It seems odd to me that you would ask (demand) them to come over rather than invite them over. perhaps it’s just the wording in the op. it’s a small but important difference, but that seemed jarring to me.
it reads like you have an expectation of them and you will be unhappy if they fail to meet it. Which evidently you are. It’s got an air of emotional blackmail to it.

its also a bit insensitive to remind her it’s Mother’s Day, she obviously knows, so you just mentioning it is dismissive of her feelings and prioritising yourself.

the ‘what about after I die’ thing sounds very emotionally manipulative too. Surely your son spending time with you is enough, and the pleasure of knowing you raised a man who is loving and supportive of his wife is nice too, it doesn’t matter if he sees you a different day?
I’m not really sure why you’ve made this a competition and a comment on her and how you can’t win, and you have issue with her not being interested enough in you. your son made this decision. Not her.

maybe if you reflect on yourself more you’d have a more positive relationship with your son and his wife and they’d make alternative plans with you? Who knows.

Without voting either way, surely this is a situation where Genesis 2.24 applies without question.

Tricky one.
I can remember disliking Mother's Day 20 years after losing mum, even though by then i was a mum myself
I think it stopped bothering me once the kids left home.
Maybe because less fuss was made of it and I could forget all about it.
I understand how op feels but DIL will be finding very difficult and I can totally relate.

Absolutely agree

I personally would be proud of my son that he was so sensitive to his wife's needs - I would conclude I raised him well! Have lunch on the Sat or the next Sun - mothers day is a commercial exercise is not it more important to just get the family together?

You're a deeelite, OP

I am so glad I don't know you

Surely it's up to your kids to do something or not as they wish for MD.

Why did yiu feel the need to remind them that it's MD?

So you expect your son to put you above his wife? Hate to break it to you OP but you aren't his number 1 priority...those days are long gone.

I never understand this. She's sad that her mum died so he can't celebrate having his mum? She should politely decline but tell
Him to go make a fuss of his mum while she's still here.

Support her to do what though? It can be a difficult day, but life goes on. Why would he be overly distracted about a grown woman who suffered a bereavement three years ago?

Honestly, I think mother's day is just a hallmark day but, at the same time, adults need to be a bit resilient.

This.

You have no idea how painful this day may be for your dil. And to be honest it doesn’t seem as though you actually care. It seems that in your mind it’s all about you and you don’t want to consider her feelings at all. He may be your ds but he’s her dh, it’s right that he should put her first.

I lost my dm last year. She was due to come to us for Christmas along with dpil. When she passed my dh offered to cancel his parents as he thought I’d prefer it to be just us. I told him not to and that the company may help but I was grateful that he offered. We’ve been married a long time and although my dmil has her moments we are family and they couldn’t have been more supportive since it happened. I know that if I wasn’t up to it they would have understood.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to see them on Mother’s Day. We usually alternate and it was supposed to be my dm’s year so I may go to visit her grave. I wouldn’t expect dh and dc to come with me or to miss out on seeing dmil if that’s what they wanted to do but I know that none of them would choose to leave me alone on a day like that when I’ll be feeling the loss even more than usual. If we don’t see dmil then we will make sure we see her at Easter or another day. Yabvu.

Although I can see both sides of this, I think the part that is particularly hurtful about the invitation/summons being to both of them is that the DiL clearly doesn't have her own mother to attend to. It brings attention to the absence. He mother is dead and doesn't matter anymore. It's just so blunt.

My MiL would not send a guilt-trip invite to both of us because she knows that I might also want to consider my own mother (and DH may want to consider me, on behalf of our 2yr old).

My father died 3 1/2 years ago and I would struggle with attending my DH's fathers day celebrations, because they make me so sad about all the years I've missed out on with him. However, that wouldn't make me stop him going to see his father.

I can also see that OP's DIL may particularly struggle with Mother's Day, as it is can be brutally omnipresent. 30 yrs old is very young to lose your mother.

Yup.

Lost my Mum 25yrs ago.

Still cry if I get a MD mailing!

You are not ‘the worst’ for inviting them both, @Thegardenmum - though it was a bit insensitive to invite someone who has lost their mum to a celebration of you as a mum. You could have just messaged your ds and said “We are having a family lunch on Mothers’ Day - X and Y will be there - would you and DIL like to come?” That would have been inclusive, but without rubbing the event in your DIL’s face.

You are allowed to feel upset, but you are being unreasonable to expect your son to prioritise you over his wife. I am a MIL - my eldest son is married and they have a 7 month old baby - and we had a similar situation over Christmas last year. We have never had a Christmas without all three of our sons here (apart from one where covid stopped ds1 and his dw from coming to us), but ds1 and my lovely DIL decided they wanted to have their first Christmas with their baby at home - partly because of the sheer logistical challenge of bringing a baby and all the necessary gubbins, and partly because they felt this was a special Christmas - their first as parents - and they wanted to have it in their own home.

Was I sad that they weren’t here - of course - but I respected their decision, and I was pleased that ds1 put his own family first. I know he still loves me, and we still have a very good relationship - I don’t think that relationship would be damaged by him prioritising his family over dh and me.

But if you show your son that you are cross with him and that you think he is being unreasonable, you will risk damaging your relationship with him, I’m afraid.

Grow up.

You have 3 other AC visiting on Mother's Day - so be content with and glad of that. It will be a great deal more than many mothers will have.

I read it as OP inviting both of them, not just her son.

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to be disappointed.

It would be unreasonable to keep trying to talk to him about it.

If you were my mum I wouldn't visit you either.