Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Wow OP! You sound like a nasty piece of work to send your daughter in law a message to remind her it’s your Mother’s Day knowing she’s lost her own mother.
Given she’s only 30 she was relatively young to lose her mother too.
If you can’t understand why your actions were selfish then there probably is no hope for you..but do have the decency to understand that trying to replace someone’s mother on Mother’s Day for your own glory doesn’t make you a nice person…maybe start there when working out how to win!

I can't believe you typed that last sentence with a straight face.

Rude!

When do you think it would be ok to invite them on Mother's Day?

oh i lost mine 15 years ago but its still an emotional time around these dates

Even Matalan gives you the choice to opt out of Mother Day reminders!

In her shoes I would have read that message as

"It's mother's day soon and since WIFE's DM is dead, you'll be free to come to mine. So I want everyone to come to my house and fawn over me. It's not like you'll have anything else to do cos...you know....your mum's dead..."

God it gets worse you want her to spend the day with you as well?! How long have they been together? You don’t sound “welcoming” you sound jealous of her relationship with your son! Do your other DC have partners? Do you often arrange lunch for everyone?

I did think initially this can’t be real but sadly some mils are actually as selfish &
petty as this.

Yabu. And even more so that you asked, but won't accept the answers.

'Why women are blamed for everything'. Including a husband's decision and making a whole raft of assumptions behind a woman's possible input into that decision, without having a clue what (if anything) she actually said.

Here's a thought. If OP's son really wanted to be celebrating his mother and making a big old performative fuss of her on a particular day for emphasizing her maternal status, there is no doubt he would.

That's on him. Women are not responsible for everything men do (or don't do).

ar you serious-you reminded someone who lost their mum 3 years ago prob during lockdown which was hard enoug that its mothers day soon

also youre too far for a lunch 4 hours is ridiculous

Would you usually see ds and dil on MD?

4hrs drive is a lot in one day

Are your other 3 dc more local

My mum died 5 years ago, my Dad met another lady about a year later, and she thought it was appropriate to invite my Dads children and their families (2 hour drive each way for us) to meet for the first time (to meet her and her children) on Mother’s Day 2 years ago.
we all went in support of my Dad who was clearly very happy (they married shortly afterwards), but my God I just can’t fathom how incredibly insensitive and self centred some people are.
YABVU

Not half as self absorbed as the OP sounds.

I don’t get where this whole dil is stopping him thing is coming from. Even the op hasn’t tried that card…. Yet.

but yet still we have the Evil dil stopping this poor sap of a husband clearly from dancing to mummies tune.

What you describe would not bother me or offend me at all and I have three adult children. I do agree that you sound rather demanding and insensitive.

Sending a message reminding a woman who lost her mother just three years ago (that is still relatively recent) that it will soon be Mother's Day was very insensitive. I am amazed you don't seem to get that.

You asked them if they 'could' come... you should have asked them if they 'would like to come'.

It's an invite, not a summons.

@SchoolQuestionnaire I understand he's supporting her - it just seems that making him feel guilty about seeing his mum on a special day and celebrating with his siblings because she misses her mum and wishes she could do that doesn't make sense. Losing parents is hard and if you still have them you should make the most of it.

Why are you and some posters assuming she hasn’t? We don’t know anything about what OP’s DIL has said, thinks, or feels only that OP’s son is choosing to stay with his wife.

Even if she did tell him to go and he said no, should she force it anyway?

He is a grown man and has made his choice and OP needs to accept that.

I’m not sure I’ve spent more than an occasional parents day with either of my parents since I left home - I’ve always lived several hours away . I’ve phoned and sent a card . Both my parents are gone now and I do not regret not spending a specific commercially chosen day with them . I visited reasonably regularly and phoned at least weekly , once Dad was on his own - daily . I won’t expect my children to visit me on Mothers Day - I hope they will have independent fulfilling happy lives . Do you see them a few times a year op ?

This has got to be one of the most self-unaware posts I’ve seen on here (if it’s real).

Not denying that it can be hard. First Father's day after my dad died, we took my FIL to lunch at his favourite restaurant and then DH and I did something by ourselves in the evening to remember my dad.

By the following Father's day, my FIL had passed too and so I am very glad that DH got to spend that last Father's day with his dad and that my grief didn't restrict him.

YABU - he’s under no obligation to come especially a 4hr round trip & wants to support his wife. My mum has been dead 15 years & i still struggle a bit on mothers day, seeing people celebrating and thinking what i’m missing out on. Of course i don’t begrudge anyone that & they are lucky but it still stings. Once i had my own children the day was nicer as now its about me but they’re still quite young so i won’t always expect that. I think your son on this occasion is right to put his wife 1st. I would never text my kids as adults to remind them its mothers day…if they want to spend time with me or arrange a lunch or something that will be their choice.

you are entitled to be disappointed but he can see you anytime - his wife doesn’t have that luxury with her own mum

Is it? Actually I just think its being unnecessarily mean. OP is a person, with feelings. There's no need for that.

You really can't argue with stupid, can you?

OP, if you make an issue of this you can probably expect to see less and less of your son and his wife in future.

She may well have done that but he may have chosen to stay with her. He’s her dh, he should know better than anyone if she’s struggling. He could have taken the decision himself to spend time with her.

I’ve said on a pp that I won’t be seeing my dmil this year on Mother’s Day. It’s just too raw. Thankfully my dmil is far more sensitive than op and understands that while we won’t see her that particular day, we’ll go and spoil her another time.