Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Why are you and some posters rather assume with zero information that the DIL is stopping him or even going as far as in your words using emotional blackmail?

Why is it so out of the realm of possibility that a man would want to stay with his wife of his own accord? Or that she may have told him to go and he decided not to?

Why is his wife being blamed for his actions when there is no evidence that she is preventing him?

There’s also no evidence of what kind of relationship OP has with her son and she has chosen to ignore the questions by several posters about it and if he or they visit for other things or if he did anything for her last Mother’s Day or others. Yet, she had no issue saying her DIL isn’t bonding with the family outside her son as she would like.

You can feel what you want, it doesn’t entitle you to place restrictions on or emotionally blackmail people several years down the line. Life has to go on at some stage, grief isn’t always a trump card.

I never understood people who take holidays like these so seriously to the point where they’d rather cause a serious drift in the family than take 5 minutes to be disappointed and then move on with their lives.

I actually think, as harsh as this sounds, it’s really quite sad to plan your own Mother’s Day celebration. Especially a month in advance. Surely it’s something people choose to do for you?

If your son wants to celebrate with you I’m sure he’ll call up the day before with a gift and a card or something, or invite you out for lunch another time. Which is a completely acceptable compromise. His priority, quite rightly, is his wife.

Grief is not linear. I’ve seen some people get over losing a loved one within a few days. I’ve seen others never get over it, and they’re absolutely bereft every single holiday that rolls around. Both of these, and everything in between, is completely acceptable. You don’t get to dictate how someone grieves.

Your son not showing to his summons for dinner doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or appreciate you as his mother. It simply means that he needs to be there, as a support, to his wife who will likely be upset on the day.

Personally, the idea of me demanding someone comes to a dinner to celebrate myself while their partner is at home, upset, is really horrible. I could never do that to someone and sit there and enjoy the lunch. Similarly, I couldn’t sit and enjoy lunch while someone is very obviously fragile at the end of the table.

It wouldn’t be for me, personally.

Is he not seeing you in general? Or is it just that he has not accepted the Mother's Day invitation?

If he is rarely or never in touch, then you have bigger issues than the Mother's Day invitation.

If he does stay in regular touch, then it is unfair to make a fuss about one day.

If his wife is depressed on Mother's Day, then I understand his wishing to support her. It occurs to me that it's possible (especially as you don't mention grandchildren) that your DIL might have been experiencing fertility issues in addition to her bereavement: I know several people who have found Mother's Day upsetting for that reason. But the bereavement is a good enough reason on its own.

My teen DS has just announced he has a full day shift in hospitality on Mother’s Day, so he will be serving meals to other mothers to let them celebrate Mother’s Day and not be there for our meal together. It is what it is

Why has the DIL been given a hard time? It’s the son who said he isn’t visiting his mum. Presumably, if he wanted to see his mum he’d have made arrangements either before or after. As he has done neither, I could only assume he isn’t that bothered about seeing his mum around the Mothering Sunday period. surely the DIL can’t be held responsible for this?

You are being absolutely ridiculous. Your son is doing absolutely the right thing. I say that as someone who’s mum died last year. Seriously get over yourself. Surely Mother’s Day is only really a bit deal when it’s little kids making you breakfast in bed / homemade cards etc. and it’s ok that she’s more interested in your son than his extended family. You sound pretty over bearing

@BellePeppa that might be sufficient for you but it's not terrible for a mum to want a bit of a fuss, even if her kids are grown up

The mother’s grown up, the children are grown up. It’s ridiculous that a mother should still be treating Mother’s Day like something sacred, she’ll be wanting home made cards next. Fine when your kids are young and still living at home and they make a bit of a fuss of you but there comes a time when a card through the post or even just a text is quite sufficient.

While I agree that if dil is struggling on that day, the son should be with her, I do also think it's important that he doesn't forget he has a mum still. Mums who have been loving, and put their best effort into parenting, deserve not to be taken for granted. As commercialised at Mother's Day is, it will really stand out to any mums whose kids make no effort to acknowledge them or show appreciation for them on this day.
So while it's okay to turn down lunch, I really hope the son does make some effort to do a nice thing for his own mum on this day.

As an aside, whenever women on MN are upset at lack of effort made by their families for birthdays etc, they are advised to organise their own event next time. It's not wrong for the OP to organise the day she would like. We don't know the wording of her text and it might not have been a 'summons', more of a 'mother's day coming up, would you like to come to lunch. Your siblings will all be here' type message.

Well said i think

She'll probably be dead and we'll all be sorry then... That's pretty much what she told her son It sounds like 😂

One thing is for sure BellePeppa, she certainly won't be posting on mumsnet in hopes of sympathy. I still can't believe the post is real though.

So what happens next year and the year after that etc. They can’t possibly all be there every year.

You are lucky the other 3 can make it, in sure their partners have mums too or are mums themselves. As much as I get on with my MIL would not want to spend whole day at her house or travelling there, my husband and kids visit to drop off cards and flowers (she lives on the same street lol),and then we go out for the day with the kids.

He couldn't be arsed and used it as an excuse. In fairness I would not travel 2 hours for lunch either.

You’re funny 😄. The whole point was that we haven’t got a fucking clue what conversation went on between them. She could have spent 3 hours trying to convince him to go and he said no. WE JUST DON’T KNOW. So there’s no point blaming the DIL for being precious or manipulative, as WE DON’T KNOW what conversation they had. The son is an adult and he made a decision not to drive 4 hours to have lunch with his mum.

Right, so now the couple don't fancy travel and use her dead mum as an excuse? That doesn't sound better to be honest, that sounds disgustingly manipulative.

Back in the real world, couples discuss an invite. She says "Oh I can't possibly because of my mum" and he feels obliged to stay with her. If she was thinking about his mum, she would go or at least encourage him to go. If they felt it was sensitive but were thoughtful, they could say "19th is too hard, we'll come to visit for Easter" to soften the blow. But none of that happens, because only DIL and her loss matters, the mum that's still alive is not considered at all.

100 agree!

Eh? Who is saying the DIL doesn’t know he replied? She could have said ‘I’m happy for you to go but I’d rather stay here as it will be too difficult for me’ and he said ‘no, I’d rather stay and support you’.
She could have said ‘If you want to go I’m happy to come’ and he said ‘no, can’t be arsed with driving 4 hours for a lunch’.
She could have said ‘bloody hell not another lunch with your mother’ and he said ‘yeah you’re right, fuck that’.
We have no idea what went on between the couple, only that the son decided not to attend. And as he’s a grown adult, we should assume that it was his decision.

Come on this is ridiculous. Her children are in their thirties. Who organises a day for themselves on Mother’s Day and demands their adult children have to come. Thirty years of Mother’s Days is more than enough. It should now be about the next generation of Mums. With young children of my own at home I would be fuming if my Mother-in-law demanded we did a 4 hour roundtrip for the day to be all about her. Mother’s days are for Mums with young children. When my children are 18+ I will be delighted with a card and a phone call.

Ok, so in your version the DIL has no idea the DS even replied. She got a message from her MIL to invite her for lunch, and ignored it while assuming her DH ignored it too. That's nice!

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

Twice in that sentence the word "want" is quoted from the conversation, no-where does "need" appear. He wants to stay with his wife he doesn't say he needs to stay with her.

You might want to do another quick re-read of the thread to see where it ever says the DIL did or said any of the things in your over-active imagination.

No reply from DIL despite both being texted, and the DS says privately that he needs to stay with her. It isn't credible that they didn't discuss it. The onus lies with the grieving person to say "No dear I'll be fine, you go and see your mum." if he's skipping just to be with her.