Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

On the day your son got married, his wife became his next of kin, and his top priority.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But he is putting her needs first. As he should.

Maybe the OP needs to take lessons in empathy

I love my three adult children dearly and have great relationships with them and their partners, but I would NEVER lay a guilt trip at their doors to come and see me on Mother's day, Birthday, Christmas etc. If they can come that's lovely, if not then I'll see them another day. Do your other DC have partners and if they do why are they all coming to you, what about the other mothers? If your DS wife's mum was still alive, would you be sulking about them going to hers instead? YABVU

Yeah let's #BeKind everyone - except to the OP hey

Why do you think that she’s making him feel guilty? We have no idea what op’s dil thinks as she hasn’t said anything. All that we know is her dh is choosing to spend the day with her because he knows things are difficult for her. It says a lot that so many people are immediately jumping to the conclusion that the wife is stopping him doing things when it’s far more likely that he’s taking the initiative himself because he knows she’s hurting and it will be a painful day.

Losing parents is hard and if you still have them you should make the most of it.

I know, I’ve lost both of mine. I won’t be seeing my dmil on Mother’s Day but we host dpil all the time. Christmas, Easter, Birthday’s. Why should I have to put on a brave face and celebrate this particular day? Thankfully my dmil understands. She lost her own dm a couple of years ago so she hasn’t been up for celebrating it either recently.

My mother has away just over a year ago and I lost my dad 8 months before her.... so I get it... I have bailed on some of my DH family dinners and get togethers because it's been too much for me and quite frankly I sometimes get bitter and jealous that I can't have my loved ones. Other times we have a lovely time and I imagine it will be that way for years to come.

However even the first Mother's Day without my mum I sent my DH round with gifts etc and would never of wanted him to miss it as I know how hard it is without your mum so he needs to take all the chances he can.... she was lovely and sent me back a beautiful plant just to say she was thinking of me.

Maybe that's an idea for you? Get her a little something but she should be encouraging your son to see you if she really loved him it's not about her only on that day

Don’t think the OP will be back. She’s rightly so had her arse handed to her.

She reminded them. She's lost her pissing mum. If anyone is rude it is the op. Jesus Christ. Ever likely MILs receive hate if what the op expects is ok

There are ways of inviting people. Reminding them it is mothers day and by the way could they come for lunch with your other 3 adult children.

Not really an invite. More of a matter of fact this is fine and expected.
Adult children should plan ahead, agree then speak to mum about it. It could be take you out, cook for you etc. You have stolen their thunder somewhat.

A shame they cannot just pop round, with flowers and so on but doing so will involve a full kit and caboodle meal for hours.

Some families that is fine. Some overwhelming.

You sound very much like my self absorbed MIL. Until recently we would be summoned over to hers. She’s tantrum if we said no (quite often have valid reasons) but funny enough her general attitude and being so demanding means we don’t really want to spend any time with her.

Im now pregnant and her self absorbed behaviour has now gone up 10x more. I’ve now gone NC with her and my DP agrees so naturally she’s punishing him but cutting him off.

Our life has got 100x better now we don’t have her dominating our time. Your son isn’t a toddler, you can’t make him do anything and why would you essentially force him instead of knowing your two other children are there of their own free will?!

It is not wrong to invite them. It is wrong to be annoyed that they declined.

there are plenty of other days to have a visit.

Bloody hell. Imagine having three kids visit you on mother's day and still being pissed off you don't get the full set.

Not sure why some posters feel like of course it’s the daughter in law guilt tripping her husband into not going. It sounds more like he chose not to go to support his wife. It’s not just round the corner.

Three years is no time and probably through lockdowns etc it was hardly a normal grieving period either.

Also with some of her replies the MIL doesn’t exactly sound like an empathetic lovely lady. Just arrange a catch up another week.

Sorry OP but YABU and sound a bit ridiculous. If your adult DC want to see you on 'Mothers Day' it's up to them to initiate this not for you to summons them.

If you wrote your invitation like you have written these posts, can't you see how tone deaf they are? Are you an empathetic person? Can you see how this is a particularly tricky time of year for your DIL and still quite raw for her? In fact she might always feel this way about Mother's Day until she has DC of her own.

Also you can't expect grown up DC with their own family to spend it with you on Mother's Day. Pick another day.

And as I also said he made a choice and OP needs to accept it.

You can literally do anything on any other day of the year with your son. Grow up.

Here's a thought. If OP's son really wanted to be celebrating his mother and making a big old performative fuss of her on a particular day for emphasizing her maternal status, there is no doubt he would.

And wouldn’t need to be reminded or told. It’s not like there aren’t emails about Mother’s Day for weeks.

As you say none of us know with certainty how DIL responded. She may well have said go and see your Mum - or she may well have said otherwise (or inferred if not directly spoken).

I assume you have had a good 25+ plus of celebrating Mother’s Day with your son?

It is a commercialised holiday that really means nothing, and you are completely unreasonable to remind them both that it’s Mother’s Day and to expect them to travel a 4 hour round trip for lunch. Do they have their own children?

Do you expect your DIL to be over her loss by now? 3 years is nothing and days like Mother’s Day always hit hard. Why on earth would you expect her to sit round the table with everyone celebrating their mother and pretend to be happy? Honestly I think you owe them both an apology and need to accept your son is an adult with his own family now.

You are being extremely unreasonable.
Three years is a blink in time for a loss like that. Your poor daughter-in-law.
And you're going to have a huge fuss made of you anyway if you've got three other children coming to the meal. For heaven's sake.

This can't be real. Your DIL has lost her mother and you sent a reminder about Mother's Day?!? Very odd and very rude. You would have been better to just message your son and see what he had to say.

Oh the poor thing, she lost her mum at only 30?

OP, you asked they said no. That's the end of it, isn't it?

You are entitled to your feelings but so are other people.

I don't think either your son or your daughter in law are being unreasonable.

When losing your mother so young, Mother's Day might be a sensitive time for many years.

Why does it have to be that day?

Invite them another time.

Problem solved.

33 is stil quite young to lose one’s mother.

You probably have no idea if they are TTC which might make the day even rawer.

Mothers Day is commercial crap.

Your son might be glad of the excuse not to come (I would in his shoes).

Where do the your other offspring live?

Absolutely nothing worse than going out for lunch on these Hallmark Days.