Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

My mum died over 10 years ago, and you are so so so unreasonable. Good on your son, that's how my hubby would treat me

My husband is going off to see mates for that weekend. I had to point out to him, and thus to the others in the group it is mother's day. Doesn't mean I'm kicking up a fuss. I may see my parents that weekend with ds, I may not. Probably the following weekend when my sister is up as it's closer to DM birthday
It's a day, and a very over commercialised one at that. Don't use that as emotional blackmail

This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

^ I hate emotionally manipulative shit like this. There’s a particular type of self involved mother who says things like this. He’s choosing to stay and spend the day with his wife. Chill out and arrange to see them another day. You’ve got your other children coming, enjoy the day with them.

If I was your DIL I would send DH on his own. It's Mother's Day and of course a son should visit his DM on the day if he can.

I would stay at home and do something to remember my own DM and I would hope that you would understand that I couldn't attend.

It's been three years since her DM passed away, is your son never to see his DM on Mother's Day because his DW has lost her DM?

You messaged her, whose own mother died a few years ago, to remind her it was Mother’s Day?

Ok, becoming clearer why they’re not coming…

I doubt it with your attitude.

Indeed. #BeKind to the daughter in law.

You probably didn’t need to remind them both it was Mother’s Day, your DIL has probably been dreading it since the day her Mother died. I totally understand them for not coming.

Sorry for your loss @CharlotteStreetW1 . Be kind to yourself on the next M.D. , better still, bale out of going to MILs if you can at all.

This. It would annoy me no end if my mum or MIL rung me up and said they were expecting me to turn up for Mother’s Day.

OP does Mother’s Day really matter that much? Surely the most important thing is a good relationship with your son and his wife. This might be a hard day for her so just be understanding and welcome them another time. Soon your children might have babies and Mother’s Day will become all about them.

Why do you keep going? Can't your husband go without you?

I'm going to be unpopular, but after 3 years I think, whilst she will miss her mum forever, they need to start being able to celebrate with you guys.

If she is too upset to, which I get, then surely he can still come? He's there for her every other day of the year.

Nothing is going to bring her mum back. But you are still living.

Unfortunately I think it's common for wife's family to be considered much more than the husband's. I think, if the situation was reversed and you had died, that the chances are she'd still celebrate with her mum.

My mum died just before I got married and I haven't been able to have children so am not a mother myself. I'm mostly fine but Mothers' Day feels like my nose is being rubbed in it.

This will be the 24th "meaningless" (to me) Mothers' Day I've had to endure with MIL and SIL and I fucking hate it every year. Sorry - 23rd - 2020 gave me a year off and it was bliss!

Have a heart OP and leave them be.

It actually has nothing to do with mothers or families at all - it’s about visiting the ‘mother church’:

Held on the fourth Sunday in Lent, exactly three weeks before Easter Sunday, it was a originally a day to honour and give thanks to the Virgin Mary, also known as Mother Mary. Such celebrations required people to visit their 'mother' church - the main church or cathedral in a family's area.

Is this a reverse?

Your son isn't saying he doesn't want to see you, he's saying that a big ol' family meal on Mothering Sunday doesn't work for him.

If you want to have everyone available at a celebration, then you do need to speak to the key people in advance to ensure that what you're planning works for everyone. Sending an invite for an emotionally loaded date is always risky especially when your DIL has lost her mum. Personally, I'd apologise profusely for the insensitivity look forward to spending time with them on another weekend.

Even without the wife’s mums being sadly gone expecting someone to do four hours round trip because it’s Mother’s Day is selfish

This. My daughter lives a similar distance and a couple of times called me and said she planned to do the round trip on MD. I've made it clear to her that it's a lovely thought and I'd love to see her, and she's a kind considerate daughter of whom I'm very proud - but it's really shit doing that amount of driving on a Sunday, especially when she has to be up for work at 6am Monday, and not to think I'd be hurt or upset if she didn't.
So she didn't, and I really didn't mind. We don't guilt trip each other.

I lost my mum when I was 27 and I have to say I struggled with Mother’s Day for a while, plus the fact that my mum would never see her grandchildren whereas my MIL could ( but wasn’t hugely interested). Not nice to say, but I struggled with the fact that she was alive whereas my lovely mum was dead. So I think your son is being considerate.

Oh. My. God.

Can you hear yourself?!

In your next post you say you invited your "pleasant enough" DIL so as not to exclude her. So, not because you want to welcome her into the bosom of your family, especially as she's lost her own mother. But because you don't want to exclude her. And because you think she's only interested in your son - so you know they come as a package.

Can you not demonstrate a little bit of tact and invite your son to spend one of your last remaining days on earth (sheesh) on a day that's NOT mother's day? You have your other children visiting that day. Why do you need the full complement? Or rather, why is your desire to have yet another mother's day commemorated by ALL of your children more important that your DIL's wish to quietly mourn hers by not having the day rubbed in her face?

And what's the big deal about mother's day anyway? Don't you feel validated enough as a mother, seeing as you have FOUR ADULT children? Perhaps they need to have a reason to visit you....

Finally, not up to you AT ALL to judge whether your DIL should be "over" the death of her mother. Something tells me you'd wish to be commemorated on every mother's day of your DCs' lives, dead or alive.

Unbelievable.

Good Lord. “When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me”? Passive aggressive much? It’s just a Mother’s Day - why do you feel the need to expect your children to visit, like some queen bee? If they don’t want to, they don’t want to - you need to digest that and move on, surely, otherwise where does it stop? You’ll be indignant, sad and petulant all the time!
I’m not expecting anything from my DC; I’d hate that forced-guilt dynamic to rot our relationship. Be there for when he needs you - that’s the way it should be.

Which is fair enough, he is the one she married.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal

Why on earth did you include her in this message when you must know it'll be a sore subject? Either you're self absorbed or thoughtless. Maybe both.

My MIL died a few years ago. Mother's day is the hardest day of the year for my DH - more so than her birthday, because he has to see stuff about mums everywhere in the lead up/on the day, and it's a constant reminder of her not being here.

My mum absolutely wouldn't expect DH to join me for any mother's day plans I had with my mum because she knows that it's a hard day for him.

As it is my lovely mum thinks mother's day is Hallmark nonsense (and she's not technically wrong!) so we don't do much anyway - sometimes I take her flowers.

Maybe consider how lucky you are that your son has his mother year round, and give them (and DIL especially) some slack on a day that highlights loss for people who don't.

It's a 4 hour round trip. OP's son lives over 2 hours away. Not pop round for a quick 5 mins distance.

@TheHouseElf - I actually think it would be unkind if we were not honest with @Thegardenmum. I don’t think people have generally been nasty or mean, but we have been honest.