Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?...

...on this one, specific day.

Your are bu imo

Your other three children are going to be with you

You'll have opportunities to see your ds on other days, this is just one day out of the year

It's mother's day, so not like a milestone birthday or anniversary

My personal opinion is that people make too much of a big deal of these days. I show my loved ones I love and appreciate them throughout the year, I don't need to be told to do it on a specific date.

The commercialism in shops for them gets worse every year

After my dad died I found Father's Day really tough. It was a whole day focused on something I had lost. I always wanted to run away and hide from it. Fortunately my DP is as kind as your DS and always asked how he could support me. Three years is still quite early days.

I also think Mother's Day is mostly for those still "in the trenches" parenting young children. A card and flowers, sure, but I don't understand insisting on lots of fuss when your children are grown up and independent.

God I hate the guilt tripping, the crying and 'you'll be sorry when I die,' I was a stately homes child and if it hadn't been for my first dc arriving early I would have cut all contact with her.

Who said she had? Maybe HE decided that he would stay with his wife and SHE is telling that it's ok for him to go.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting.

So we don't actually know that the DIL has said anything at all. HE doesn't want to make a big thing as she MAY find it upsetting.

It could be that the DS simply does not want to go.

Or that neither want to go and it is not to do with the loss of her DM. Could be that they prefer to save the days they do a 4 hour drive for other occasions.

OP, how is your relationship with your Ds generally? How are relationships between the siblings?

So is the son never ever going to see his mum on mother's day as it might upset his wife?

That doesn't seem fair, really.

When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

He probably won't regret that he spent MD with his wife when he felt she needed it.

There are countless other days he can spend with you should he choose.

It's a tough one. This will be my third mothers day without my mum and its one of the most difficult milestones. I'd find it very difficult going out to dinner and seeing tables of people out celebrating with their mothers. Having said that I wouldn't stop my husband from going to see his mum on the day. Do you get to see him often in general? His wife might be afraid she will get upset and spoil the day and he's supporting her.

What a thoughtful son you have raised to put his wife’s feelings first. She is clearly still struggling.

You do realise that there’s 365 days in a year and Mother’s Day is just one day. You can spend time together whenever it doesn’t have to be only Mother’s Day. I hope you haven’t guilt tripped him with “you’ll miss me when I’m dead”

She hasn’t. The poor woman hasn’t responded to her Mil’s text at all. Hth.

I keep going because it makes my MIL happy and she's lovely and deserves the fuss and she doesn't "expect".

My circumstances are the problem, not MIL 🙂

Gosh, this could be me. Except my MIL is nice.

Wow... you're a fucking treat aintcha?!

My mothers been dead 15 years - Mothers Day still reminds me that a/ I havent got a Mum and b/ she was for the most part a fucking horrible excuse for a parent who was never capable of being the mother I wanted her to be, or meeting a basic standard of parenting most folk would find acceptable...

It isn't my funnest day.

Maybe when you kark it your son will be relieved he doesn't have to field your stroppy reminders or apologise to his wife about his insensitive mother!

You could have simply invited them for dinner and said 'but I understand if you can't make it'. But no you have to REMIND them BOTH that this is YOUR DAY... and you expect them to trek to yours to celebrate it no matter how upsetting that is for someone else.

I really really hope you're a troll or that this is a reverse.

You've raised a wonderful man. He is putting his concern for his wife's feelings front and centre and what's more, he's being honest about it. Be very proud of the job you have done, and proud of the man he has become 💐

I haven't read the full thread but no matter how much I was grieving, I wouldn't stop dp seeing his own mum. That is pretty selfish. I don't have a mum so I do understand how painful mothers day is but how long is she realistically going to stop her dh from seeing his own mother?

It isn’t all about you op. DS’s desire to support his wife on a day that they feel will be difficult for her is admirable.

Perhaps if they felt more confident that you would understand and respect that, they would be more willing to come.

My MIL died 3 years ago. We see my mum on the Saturday and my kids also give me a card. We go to the cemetery on Sunday and spend the day with his dad. I would prefer to support my husband and his family in their grief on Mother's day.

Maybe arrange a family dinner on another day. Mother's day isn't a happy day for everyone. For some it's incredibly painful. They think about their lost Mother's or lost children.

Op, it sounded more like an order rather than an invite so yes YABU.

When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

And there we have it. It is a very short step from this to "You'll be sorry when I'm dead" which sounds very guilt-inducing and manipulative.

‘She’?
Fucking hell.

So sound like an absolute loon and you will push him away. One of my colleagues lost her mum recently and her mil is moaning that she has not had as many visits and that they didn’t go to some important family event. The reason they didn’t go was they were burying her mum. Don’t be that person.

I'm a mother 365 days of the year, one day is no more special just because the card company has decided this day will be the day we all celebrate mothers.
I would be so proud of my son supporting his wife through a really hard day. That to me would make me know I was a good mum rather than a card to be honest.
Anytime my grown children choose to come to visit me will be special for me regardless of if it is technically an occasion.
The more you push about this, the further you will push your son away. He has a wife and it's okay she is now his number one. He still loves and appreciates you, just right now his wife needs him more on that day.

Harsh, but just because your DIL lost her mum doesn't mean Mother's Day stops for everyone else. I've lost my dad but I still encourage DH to mark Father's Day, get a card, we visit etc and would hate him to think he couldn't because of me.

Where I don't agree with you is where you said that once you're dead he'll wish he spent more time with you. That's complete emotional manipulation.