Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

I’d wonder if more going on perhaps Mother’s Day tricky if they are ttc without success.
It would be nice if came but I wouldn’t expect it.

Yanbu this is just shit. It’s awful her mum died but it’s been three years she’s got to move on and this sort of thing won’t be helping.

I don’t think your son should be pandering to this. For the first year or two sure but not after three years. If I was in that situation I’d expect my husband to help me get out of that slump not just go along with it forever more!

It has been declined. The son is not being forced to come. Do you know what a summons is?

Oh good grief - YABU

Will Mother’s Day always be shit for the woman who lost her mum at age 30? Probably, yes. My grandfathers birthdays is still very difficult for me. Is that not acceptable to you?

YABU. 30 is very young to loose your mum, I’m not surprised she is still finding it every hard, especially on special days. Are not of your other children married or have partners? Won’t they be seeing their own mums too on Mother’s Day?

Well if an invitation can’t be declined it’s sounds very much like a summons!

It does all sound about you, doesn’t it? What are you going to do when your children have children? Mother’s Day will not be able to revolve around you then will it?

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve spent Mother’s Day with my mother since I’ve been an adult. And I have a great relationship with her, but it’s based on mutual respect and love not a sense of duty! I still send my late husbands mother a card, though not one that’s actually a mothers Day card, because we get on well, but I wouldn’t dream of summoning her for lunch. Can you imagine how mothers day would feel if you’d lost a child? Well, I imagine that’s how your daughter in law is feeling.

My DH lost his mum unexpectedly but as a result he always tells me to spend as much time with my parents as I can while they are still here, celebrate special times with them.

It’s a shame your dil can’t do the same for her husband, presumably they didn’t spend the last 3 Mother’s Day with you. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to see your dc on Mother’s Day, despite what some pps are saying 🙄

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

@Thegardenmum but why does that "more time" HAVE to be Mother's Day?! Why do you NEED to have all your children with you to celebrate you? When do they (either your daughters or daughters-in-law) get to be celebrated (if they are mothers)?

No but decent people make the effort. Not excuses.

Why is this noteworthy? People don't get married because they want to build a relationship with another family.

YANBU op, it’s been 3 years since her mother died, will it be like this forever? I think they’re both being selfish

She invited them. It is hardly summoning.

I don't really understand your point.

Maybe the wife wants him to stay or maybe she doesn't. I don't pretend to know that.

But we both agree that her grief (or his wanting to "support" her - whatever that means) shouldn't get in the way of him spending the day or part of the day with his mum.

I think your son is BU. There is a compromise here. He can spend some time with you and support his wife as well.

It is not fair to expect someone else not to spend Mother's Day with their mother because one no longer has their own. That sounds quite controlling of the DIL.

Not rt whole ft but maybe look at it this way. If you had been the one to die, would you be happy with the idea that dil's mum was putting pressure on your son to act as if it didn't matter and he should be over it? Would you not think that if he felt sad and not up for celebrating with his wife's mum, that his feelings ought to be respected.

Mother's Day is just a day. What matters is the relationship you have generally. If things are iffy, work on that. If it's generally all good, then one arbitrarily decided day is not a big deal!

I do feel for you that you have a dil who isn't interested in being part of a wider family but that's her choice and not much you can do beyond being friendly when you do see her. Not everyone feels their in laws are their family and that's fair enough.

I think you dropped a clanger by texting your DIL to be honest, I think you should have just text your son inviting them both and then left it up to him to decide what to do with that.

I do understand it stings, but I think the fact your son is being sensitive and prioritising his wife's feelings at what is a difficult time shows you have brough him up right.

My MIL does, and for a good few years mother's day was a really really tough time for my husband, so I always opted to do something with him, and something with my mum on a different day closer to the time. It worked for everyone. Maybe suggest that to your son?

He's an adult and putting his wife first. You sound presumptuous in your message to him - not even a question more a demand!

The problem is the OP’s lack of understanding / compassion. No one is saying her son won’t celebrate with his mother on Mother’s Day ever again - he is just recognising the pain of this particular day for his wife at present. His mother should be proud she’s raised a son that is thoughtful - not demand his wife gets over it for her benefit. The brother/sister birthday analogy is a stretch, and would only bear some similarity if the dead sibling’s birthday was on the same day as the live sibling-in-law’s, for example.

Your son isn't putting your relationship on hold with you, he just doesn't want to go to the meal.
Regret it when you're dead? Maybe he will, most likely not.

The daughter in law mum died 3 year ago. It’s in the op

Could you not see your son on any of the other 364 days this year? You sound really childish.

I think I'll be in the minority after reading the first page of replies.

But actually I do think he's BU.

If you said "my DS and his DW are alternating" I have agreed that's right.

But you are his mum and I think he'll regret not celebrating with you when he could in the long term because his DW mum has died.

Also he shouldn't really be avoiding your existence because his DW mum has died.

My own mum died. This is my first Mother's Day without her this year. But I'm absolutely NOT going to expect anyone else to put their relationship with their mum on hold because I'll find it hard. (I'm also a mum myself to my own teen ds). I wouldn't want anyone not to spend time with a parent whilst they can purely because I do understand what it's like when you can't. I wouldn't want them to miss that opportunity.

I don't disagree you've raised a goodun there taking his wife's feelings into account. I just don't agree with their actions!!!

My DM died years ago but if my MIL messaged us both to say she expected us there on Mothers Day I would NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.
As it happens we do usually see her. I am ok with this now but I was not in the early years.
You have been exceptionally thoughtless, verging on cruel. Your desire to have your DC there does not outweigh what your son owes to his wife.
Get a grip and stop being so very selfish.