Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

My DS’s partner’s mum died when she was 16, she’s only 25 now. I demand nothing on the day and always send her a message and flowers as I know she struggles so much on that day and visits her Mum’s grave with her younger sister. YABU and precious, you have three other children with you, don’t be selfish.

@Thegardenmum I think there are a couple of questions here that you've not answered yet.

1. Are the other DCs married or with a long term partner?
2. If so are the partners/DH/DWs coming too OR
3. Are the partners etc going to their own mums on that day? OR
4. Are you inviting the partners parents to your house too?

Because if the partners etc are coming, how do their mums feel about that? That they're having to spend the day with you and not with them.

If the partners are going to their mums then your DIL will either feel like a gooseberry in amongst all 'your' family (if you're anything like ours you'll be reminiscing about childhood things - which can be tough when your own memories get stirred up)

Or she will be left at home on her own - because she doesn't have a mum to visit.

And if you're doing number 4 and inviting the partners parents then that's really going to be hard for your DIL isn't it?

Your DS obviously doesn't want his wife to feel like a spare wheel at a family meal if no-one else 'not of the immediate family' is going to be there and doesn't want her left alone. A four hour drive plus the meal itself is a fair few hours to sit home alone.

And why are you hosting? Don't any of your other DCs want to give you a day off of cooking etc? We used to take our parents out or cook for them at our house on Mothers/Fathers day.

From someone who has to go on the bathroom and cry after receiving cards and presents from their own children YABU. It's a day to celebrate your mother, when they aren't here it's a day tinged with the utmost sadness. It's wonderful that your son is sympathetic of his wives feelings.

A lot of men are shit at contacting their relations and maybe he doesn't really want to bother anyway.

This!

I'm not 70, but I am in my 50s and don't remotely expect my adult children (sons and daughters alike) to travel half way across the country to have lunch with me on Mothering Sunday. Maybe for a big family event, but even then it's not an expectation, and life sometimes gets in the way. I agree that it's a nice thing for young children to make a Mothers Day card for their mum, but that's it. OP, you are being beyond unreasonable.

If you were my mother, I wouldn’t want to see you on Mother’s Day. You sound like hard work.

Depends on the family.

Well exactly! The irony being, the OP seems to have raised an extremely thoughtful man who recognises this is a difficult time for his wife. If I was the OP I’d take that as the best Mother’s Day recognition I could get! But no, that doesn't make the day all about her, so it’s unthinkable… ;)

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.
Then invite him another day? If it’s purely about the time with him then surely the day doesn’t matter?

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

This irritates me and I don't even know the OP! You shouldn't be reminding them
It's Mother's Day. How about asking if they would like to coke for a meal...not could they...sounds like you have it all planned out and are hard work tbh.

Don’t guilt-trip your dc over Mother’s Day, for heaven’s sake! Adults who are living in their own homes with their own families and own lives can’t always prioritise a commercialised day. Be happy that he’s going to ring you, don’t make him feel bad about not being there or you risk alienating him. I’d rather see my adult dc when they want to come and see me, than have them traipse over when it’s actually inconvenient, out of a sense of duty.

My mum died when I was early 30's. There is no way I'd have spent Mother's Day with my MIL for those first years. It was far too painful. I just wanted to be at home being sad. My dh wanted to be there for me. I'm still a bit fucked up by Mother's Day nearly 9 years later. Your daughter in law's grief trumps you wanting to be fussed over by your children. Just invite them to come for a meal another time not close to Mother's Day.

What a lovely son you have. Love that he's supporting his grieving wife. It must be such an awful time for her.

Maybe you could be more understanding.

Yes but the thing is, she hasn’t said that! The son is merely taking her feelings into account. And good on him. Tbh I reckon he doesn’t really want to go either.

It is not an issue to be finding it hard after a loss but to say your spouse shouldn't spend time with their mother because you have lost your own is unfair.

As far as we know she hasn't.

It is not an issue to be finding it hard after a loss but to say your spouse shouldn't spend time with their mother because you have lost your own is unfair.

Oh fuck off. Just because she doesn’t want to travel 4 hours to spend time with a woman who doesn’t even seem to like her and have to sit through a big fawning Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she ‘needs to move on’. You clearly have no experience losing a parent at a relative young age.

Nothing in OPs posts state the DIL is demanding the son doesn’t attend or that he is pandering to her. She doesn’t want to go and it’s his choice to support his wife.

Here’s the thing, when you lose a parent young you are absolute allowed to be ‘in a slump’ on a day like Mother’s Day, their birthday or their anniversary. Nothing suggests she isn’t able to cope the rest of the year.

Really!!!! Take it you have never lost someone you have loved. My husband and SiL lost their mum unexpectedly 5 yrs this yr, and they still find mothers day, Her birthday, Christmas etc hard. So yes it might be 3 years but she will grieve for her mum forever. Why do you think places like moon pig send emails to people saying if you find it hard around these times we can stop sending you notifications regarding it.

OP what are you going to do when they have Children, expect them to do a 4 hr round tripfor you When it will be her day as well?
Mother and Fathers day is just a made up day by the card industry anyway, surely if you love your parents you dont need to send a card and flowers once a yr

I think it’s odd you have given out this invite for people to come because it’s ‘your’ day.

Surely if they want to celebrate Mother’s Day, they should be the one inviting you to lunch?

Obviously if you are the one making the effort, buying and cooking the meal and inviting them to come to yours - then it’s not a proper Mother’s Day celebration anyway and so I don’t understand why you are upset about it.

Why not just see him another day.
You are seeing your other DCs on that day anyway.

I don’t often see my mum on Mother’s Day as me and my siblings all have our own DCs.
We sometimes meet up all together for a walk and pub lunch, sometimes we do things with just our own DCs and sometimes none of us do anything to celebrate it as it’s just another day really and we meet up on a different day.

I do thanks :) The invitation has been declined, well spotted. And the OP is outraged because she doesn’t think it should have been. When it comes to being forced to attend or not the OP seems to think emotional blackmail is in order which fair enough isn’t physical force, but on a par with it. Doesn’t bode well for a grown up, adult relationship with her son or daughter in law really, does it?

Mothers' Day gestures should be voluntarily given by the child, not imposed by the mother. I send my mum a bouquet of flowers and a card on Mothers' Day. She always seems delighted. I live four hours away from her now, but when I used to live an hour away, we didn't do Mothers' Day lunches. It wouldn't have occurred to her to make such a big fuss about it tbh.

I think it’s nice you invited them but find it weird you need to remind them it’s Mother’s Day. Couldn’t you have just invited them for a nice family dinner?
I understand you are upset but I don’t think you have a right to be annoyed at your son or his wife. I think it’s lovely that he’s looking after his wife.
He can celebrate Mother’s Day with you at another time, it doesn’t need to be that specific day. That specific day will be hard for his wife so even though you’re welcoming them over, it will still be a stark reminder of what she has lost.

It’s acceptable. It’s not really acceptable for every year to be about you and your loss when your husbands mother is still alive and would like to see her son.

Ps so many people on here are very selfish M. I’m a DIL and always try to keep things pretty even with mum and mil. One day my son will marry someone and karma can be a bitch.

Oh Jesus Christ you're really doubling down on this 😳 this is tone deaf and insensitive.
All you had to do was send the message to your son - "I am having a family lunch on 19th March, would love it if you and xxx could join us". Absolutely no need to text both and no need to "remind" then it's Mother's Day.

Every time I feel sad I don’t have a close relationship with my mother, I think, “well but I could have a mother like this so maybe I’m better off!”

I send my mum a card on Mother’s Day, sometimes flowers or a little gift (which she’ll leave in cold room and not look at “in case they go brown”, or regift!)

I would have thought you could see your beautiful son supporting his wife on Mother’s Day and be proud. But no, it’s all about you. YADBU