Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

I must have missed something. Why is she hard work? Because she sent them a message asking them to come for a meal? For wanting to celebrate with all her kids there? I really think the comments here are a reflection of the relationship people in Mumsnet have with their own MIL, but just remember if we have boys that will be us in the future ... I would be appalled it my kid thought I was hard work for inviting them over for a meal...

I’ve lost both my Mum and my Dad and I can tell you that it is very very different when it’s your Mum (assuming both parents were basically loving etc).

Also the DIL/MIL relationship has the potential to be much harder than the DIL/FIL relationship. And if this OP is for real, she sounds incredibly unsympathetic and hard work, and it wouldn’t be a massive jump to wonder if the relationship isn’t great at the best of times.

There’s an awful lot of jumping to conclusions in this thread. Maybe the DIL has told the son to go but he has chosen to stay with her? Maybe the OP has form for not being empathetic and they’ve both decided not to entertain her demand/request/invitation/summons (delete as appropriate).

As the DIL who was bereaved a couple of years ago, we would go, but my MIL wouldn’t ‘remind’ ME of Mother’s Day (her mum is also dead and she IS empathetic) (as IF the OPs DIL has forgotten 🙄) and she’s not a dickhead so I’d appreciate spending the day with her. She values me as the mother of her grandchild, and I value her as the mother of my husband.

Perhaps the OP could focus on building a similarly respectful and supportive relationship and stop acting as though she is in competition with a dead woman and a grieving daughter.

Well. I have unfortunately lost my dad...we still celebrate my father in law...because I recognise my grief should not make others miserable. Saying that I remember my dad not only on father's Day, sometimes driving, listening to a song, or when I find myself saying something like sounds like him...and he brings a smile to my face...under your premise, people that have lost a loved one: mum, father , baby will never celebrate with others because of their grief and that to me sounds crazy. Time heals...an dof it doesn't then there is professional help....

@Thegardenmum

Haven't read the whole thread, but are you such a self-centred nightmare on your birthday, as well?

I really don’t think anyone whose mum is still alive is qualified to judge OP’s Dil. Unless you’ve experienced the excruciating grief of losing a much loved mother, you just won’t understand.

Living in a different country to your mum isn’t even close to comparable with your mum dying and it’s awful that you would even try to link the two.

You can call your mum, FaceTime her, send a card.

Three years is nothing, think yourself lucky you don’t understand that level of grief.

You are so rude...she said her daughter in law's mum died 3 years ago...does this mean the OP never gets to see his son on Mother's Day ever again because DIL can't celebrate with her mum? That is just weird. I live in a different country than my mum and I always make sure my husband's mum and step mum are celebrated, because they are my family too, and not because I can't spend the day with mine it means I will be in a huff about other people celebrating.

Presumably your mother is still alive or you just shrugged her death off. My mum’s been gone for seven years and I’m old, I still find anniversaries painful. The unkindness isn’t on the DiL’s side.

Def insensitive inviting them both. A quiet invitation to your son would have been better and it is a long way, but..

My MIL died and I always made effort to see my mum on mother's day (but she lived 5 mkns away) I would go on my own and sometimes my husband would choose to come with me, his choice. My mum has now died, and I see how hard it must have Been for him even watching me leave the house to see her. But, given that it's been 3 years I think he will regret the moments he doesn't spend and I know he's supporting his wife, but she might feel this way another ten years and I don't see that being fair on you and your son.

If I die before my daughter's MIL, and she refused to go with her H to MIL on mother's day (as she was grieving for me) I'd be ashamed of her.

This is all so wrong.

The daughter in law here sounds selfish and quite immature for 33.

Yes, it's awful she's lost her mum at 30. But that's all the more reason for trying to treat her MIL as someone special in her life and make the day nice for her.

My own DIL has family too far away to visit and she treats me as her own Mum on occasions like this.

Maybe when she is older and possibly has children of her own, she will behave more kindly towards other people.

🤣🤣🤣 excellent question

Batshit! 😂

I lost my mum 15 years ago and still hate mothers day. Its a knife in the heart for those who have lost.

i certainly dont want to celebrate anyone else’s mum.

The OP seems to have a couple of aliases on here who are trying to boost her ridiculous arguments

The OPs DIL doesn't have issues. She is grieving. The OP seems utterly heartless and very selfish

The son is choosing to spend time with his wife on Mothering Sunday. We have NO IDEA what the DIL/Wife's feelings are

The DIL has not said that the OP can never see her son

If you're going to support the OP, at least get the fucking facts right

We don’t know that she did say anything to her husband!

I'm with you OP. I would never get in the way of my DH spending time with his mother because of any issues I had. It might be difficult for me but that's not fair on him or his mother.

If she really doesn't want to spend the day alone (I assume she's invited but doesn't want to come?) then I am sure she has other options like friends or other family. I really don't think it's fair to say her husband with never again see his mother on Mother's Day!

I'm not sure why you reminded them or why you are hosting. If the adult children are going to do anything for you on Mother's Day they should be doing it off their own back and organising between themselves IMO.

Aaaaaand @soso2 is gone….

interesting 🤣

I noticed this too 😂
Easy to notice as it appears OP is generally as subtle as a brick!

Just to give you an alternative view. My dh spends mother's day at the moment with me rather than his mum. Our kids are young so he treats me on their behalf as I do for him on fathers day. He did spend the day with mil before we had kids as did I. We would visit her on the day but she would like you want to spend the day with both her boys and I selfishly do not want to compromise and have to spend time with my sil. We visit the day before and give mil her presents. My own mum lives 4 hours away and if I went to spend the day with her I'd have to compromise on how to spend it and I'd rather not.

If they live 2 hours away he would be spending most of the day away from her and since she's grieving that would be hard for her. He could well say he wanted to see you and see how she reacts but depending on how long ago her mum died that would be thoughtless. You extended the invite and he has responded, I'd leave it at that and be gracious. Whether your son sends you a bunch of flowers or a gift shows how thoughtful he is but you could send your dil flowers go say you are thinking of her. That could go some way in bringing you closer together.

I hope you enjoy the day with the kids that are present.

@soso2 know the OP well do you? Touchy

I don’t know, will he? How much does he see of you generally? Please don’t pull the ‘I’ll be dead one day’ card out on him, it’s emotional blackmail and really annoying.

YABU. Your message was weird and like a summons rather than an invitation. You’re not supposed to order your kids to come over for a meal on Mother’s Day, you’re supposed to wait and see if one or more of them offers to take you out for a meal or invites you round to theirs. You sound really quite bossy.

The OP is gone.

But @soso2 has very kindly come in to stick up for her.

So people might want to re-address their points to @soso2 - who’s doing a marvellous job on the OP’s behalf, and even reading her mind!