Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

And that absolutely has to be done on one specific day of the year, does it?

What's so awful about sending a card and calling his mum on Mother's Day, and then visiting a week later (for example)?

@Blossomtoes

I agree. She was only 30 when she lost her mother. I would be proud that my adult son was treating his wife respectfully and sensitively to be honest and I wouldn’t be throwing my dummy out the pram because they couldn’t attend. It’s a commercialised day. You can have family meals anytime. This environment would not be at all suitable to sit in and the fact that the OP can’t see that speaks volumes. You don’t get the right to have every adult child and their partner attend for YOUR Mother’s Day when there are other mothers in the equation. The OP is self centred and lacks any sort of self awareness.

Well how about loving and appreciating the family we have around us, while they are there then, if that works better for you.

Thank god you’re not my mother in law. You sound awful.

Not sure I would have sent him a text. They grown adults. My mother starts its HER day. I said yep its mine too! Again presumed. Im not big fan of this day as so overpriced. Think it depends where kids live too if nearby

Again, you are assuming that the DIL is stopping her husband from seeing his mum. There's no reason to believe that's the case.

OP's son has chosen not to go, and that's that. There could be several reasons for that outside of what he's specifically told the OP.

If anyone had told me to “Seize the day” on Mother’s Day three years after my mum died there’d have been an overwhelming urge to lamp them one.

Is it going to be the same thing next year on year, and forever more.

Yes, maybe, and it seems particularly likely if the OP continues to display such a blatant lack of empathy.

Myself and my siblings willing travel for that journey time just for lunch, sometimes for me its just for a coffee and a cake actually. No need for an overnight unless perhaps you've little ones with you.

Appreciate undoubtedly it still a hard day for DIL but given she has lost a Mother herself (and since she's 33 her Mother couldn't have been what you'd consider elderly and OP most likely is of a similar age) after 3 years would it not be better to 'seize the day' so to speak, as none of us know what's around the corner for us.

Who is to say if OP will be here for next year's MD (no offence to OP btw, just that none of us know our fates). He doesn't have to leave his wife, she has been invited and welcomed to attend. Is it going to be the same thing next year on year, and forever more.

She hasn't said the DIL has stopped him. He doesn't want to leave her alone, which is HIS decision not the DIL.

There’s a world of difference between “I know Mother’s Day is difficult for DIL and there’s absolutely no expectation or pressure to attend, but you are more than welcome to join us for lunch if you feel like you would like to”

and “I’m reminding you both that Mother’s Day is coming up and I expect you to join the family for lunch”.

Which one was it OP?

Err… have you read her posts?

’reminding them it was mother’s day‘ - as if they are obliged to see her
’when I die will my son not wish he had spent more time with me?’ - bizarre self centred attitude

Then there’s the total lack of understanding of why the day might be tough for her DIL and total lack of appreciation for the seemingly thoughtful husband that her son is?!

Just to follow that up my mum left when I was a young teen, ive seen her a handful of times since and not for 5 years now. Mother’s Day is painful for me but I’ve never expected DH not to make whatever plans he wants with his mum because of my feelings. I wouldn’t want my misfortune and sadness to spoil what should be happiness for others.

My FIL lives 2.5 hours away, and to be honest, if it's not weekend away, it's so much hassle going there and coming back same day. OP, maybe you could make arrangements with them for some other weekend, not exactly for mother's day lunch?

To be honest after 3 years she should be able to ‘tolerate’ her DH going for a meal with his mum. The first one not so much, but how long does life go on hold for? The reason I think OP is BU is more to do with her ‘summoning’ matriarchal attitude (reminder texts, determination to make sure she sees all her children on Mother’s Day, a touch of emotional blackmail). Most mums are happy with a card, flowers and phone call. A lunch is a nice treat, but you wait to be asked, you don’t organise one yourself then guilt all you kids into doing a 4hr round journey to turn up.

Yes the journey will still be four hours, but he won't be leaving his wife on her own on what will be a difficult day for her. I'd imagine the four hour trip would feel more manageable on a different day.

In any case, it is a long way to travel just for a lunch. My in-laws are a similar distance away and we would normally stay over for a night when we visit.

If OP lived ten minutes away, it's far more likely he would go over to see her.

This is the reality of DC living away from you.

Not nearly as hurt as her DiL, who is clearly still struggling and into whose wound she is now rubbing salt.

Life doesn't stop, but some anniversaries are understandably tough to cope with, even years after the loss. That is for the person doing the grieving for their loved one to determine. Incidentally, I hope 'life can't stop' is not a phrase it's wise to consider using in the presence of a bereaved person.

You sound awful

What's the obsession on here about the 4-hour trip. One of my siblings does it often to see our Mum, and I do a 3 hour each way on mostly public transport just to pop down to see her. Yes, its easier to phone, but sometimes as an adult child I want to physically see and be with my Mother, and imagine that feeling is mutual. Those who've suggested they could visit OP on another occasion for lunch - won't the journey still be 4 hours then as well.

@Moreorlessmentallystable hits the nail on the head 👏

But its not months ahead - MD is 19th March this year, 3 weeks this Sunday.

This reads like a reverse to me. Most years my DDs try to be with me but sometimes it doesn't work out. It's only one day in the year and we meet up at other times which mean just as much to me.

I get on absolutely brilliantly with my MIL. But if she ever had the expectation that we’d do a 4 hour round trip for a lunch when I had said I found the day difficult due to grieving my mum, I’m not sure we’d get on so well. She wouldn’t have a strop about things like that though, she’d be happy with flowers/a card/a FaceTime. It’s not the inviting, it’s the reaction to them declining the invitation that’s the issue.

Wow, a lot of people are making assumptions that the DIL is 'stopping' her husband from seeing his mother, and making all sorts of judgements about her.

Maybe OP's son has decided independently that he doesn't want them to go. Possibly for several reasons; being kind to his wife, not fancying a four hour round trip just for a lunch, resentment at being summonsed to attend, discomfort about making his wife spend an emotionally charged day with a woman who clearly doesn't like her. Who knows.

If the OP's posts so far are anything to go by, she's not the most thoughtful or considerate person, so there could be other issues in the relationship that we don't know about.

I’ve lost both my Mum and my Dad and I can tell you that it is very very different when it’s your Mum (assuming both parents were basically loving etc).

Exactly that. And everyone I know who’s lost both parents says the same.