to think about leaving DH due to infertility

Oh my god will people please stop calling op materialistic/ entitled/ shallow/ implying she’s a gold digger etc 🙄🙄😩.
Obviously all she meant in bringing up her financial circumstances was to say that she didn’t feel in a position- financially or otherwise (in terms of social support network etc.)- to raise a child alone . That is a totally valid and understandable feeling/ position to take. It’s incredibly hard to raise a child alone, and some of the things that make it somewhat more manageable are having lots of money/ family around etc. if OP doesn’t have such resources it is totally understandable that she would be concerned about her capacity to go it alone. That does not make her materialistic / a gold digger 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Life doesn't always work out the way we want. Acceptance is key. My first baby was stillborn at full term. I wish I had her but I don't. I had to let go and move on.

A baby cannot bring you happiness. You have to find that yourself.

If you really do want a baby you may have to make some changes. I would happily live in a small one bedroom apartment and/or get a different job not in London if it meant that or no baby/motherhood. It seems to me that you don't really want a baby enough to explore all options but are blaming him for doing the same.

I personally am against the idea of adoption or sperm donors as I was looking at them as options after we had two losses and the voices of adoptees and children conceived by sperm donations were very strongly against them. I also live in the US where such practices are unethical and exploitative. They cause trauma for the birth parent/donee parent AND resulting baby.

Yes, we live in a society where having access to science and money can make a lot of things happen. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's good to do.

Granted, we were able to have children naturally after that and didn't even need to go to the fertility appointment we'd been set up with although we were willing to explore all fertility options (just managed to get pregnant again and not suffer any more unexplained losses, so it was no longer needed) so I'm not sure if I would have revisited the idea of things I'm theoretically opposed to if we were not.im trying to be understanding and empathetic having not been in your shoes.

But the way I've been in your shoes is that I knew I wanted to keep trying for a child of our own and if my husband would not have wanted to then I would have at least insisted he go to counseling with me. It's the least you can do when you're in a relationship.

I do think it's his body, his choice and that he shouldn't have to submit to any medical procedures if he doesn't want to. But he should at least talk about it with me and open up to me or else what kind of relationship would we even have?

And if it was decided that he didn't want a baby under those circumstances and I did then I would hope we could part ways amicably because I believe he wants me to be happy and vice versa. Life is too short not to be happy. Once I knew o wanted to be a mother (which was via a surprise positive pregnancy test at age 31 despite being on BC and thinking I didn't want children or at least not any time soon) I knew I would do whatever it took to try to have them. Life is too short to not be happy and not to try for what we think would make us happier but at the same time we have to work on our own happiness ourselves so we're not putting that burden on any children we willingly bring into the world.

Once I realized I was ethically opposed to unnatural ways of creating them I would still try everything I could to ethically have them - such as co-parenting with a gay couple or a single man etc... solutions the children who were created that way or relinquished by their birth parents have suggested. Financial concerns like a big house in London would not stop me from my goal of motherhood. Many mothers of modest means love their children just as much as mothers who have more means do. You really do not have to have a big house in London to have a baby!

I recommend you go to counseling to deal with these trying circumstances as well as try to work on your own happiness and maybe realize that true happiness can't be found in material possessions. And tell your partner you really need him to do marriage counseling with you if there's any chance for you guys to keep remaining together.

Also, I notice you are silent when people ask why you call him your husband but have never gotten married to him? That makes no sense to me and I think there are more big picture issues going on than we can know about so it's hard to give advice.

I just think there is more to this story that might not make you seem as shallow or capricious as you're coming across, like, "oh I didn't really want kids until he did but once he did, now I really want them or else but only if HE does and how dare HE change his mind now like I did in the past... and I can't possibly go for what I want on my own because I need him for this big house in London." To me it sounds very materialistic and selfish/entitled but he doesn't sound like much of a prize either if he won't even look into things further with you or talk to you so I wonder if there has ever been any real love between you?

I have kids although I had a long battle with TTC. In all honesty no one tells you how hard it really is. Looking back I'm sure I could have come to terms with it and had a great life.

Don't think having kids will fill some void or that you won't be lonely. It some ways it made me more isolated.

I was 37 when my youngest child was born. It's much harder having little children when you are that bit older. I struggle with keeping up with them. I have 3.

Maybe a clean break is what you need though. If you will feel resentment for the rest of your life you may be better off being free of it all and moving on. In time you could meet someone else. Without that pressure of TTC it could be much better. Xx

However, during our research , when we went to a donor conception workshop we met a couple where they had both just discovered that the guy had mfi. Both were shocked and devastated. It was clear she was considering leaving and he spoke about his depression and emasculation. I guess what I saw was the shock of tragic news.

How awful. There were factors on both sides with us, but it never crossed my mind to leave my DH. Knowing we loved each other and would still have a marriage and a life together if it didn’t work was what kept us going through the treatment. It didn’t work but we have built a wonderful childfree life together.

what a sad situation for u. I wonder if yr DH is trying to detach himself from the situation because it is too painful for him to face it. I’m not sure where ur originally from but would returning to your homeland and old friends and family be something you could do? If he won’t face the situation how ru ever going to get over it as a couple?

I know, but if you're infertile and want to have a child what's the other option?

Have you thought how he must feel not being able to give you a baby, which may explain his reluctance to look into things further. My husband and I both wanted a baby, but due to fertility problems on his side it was not to be. Would I leave him because of it, absolutely not. I fell in love with him for him and I feel lucky to have him in my life and no way would I let a fertility problem come between us.

Two small additional points.

micro tese isn’t ‘Tiny’. It’s having your testicles repeatedly punctured in search of sperm. It led to a massive drop in testosterone levels. It’s more invasive than egg retrieval, I feel. But yes less serious than say, surgery with anaesthetic.

also I don’t agree that freezing your eggs is a waste of time at all. I think the time to do it is now. It is something you can do, because if your husband doesn’t retrieve soerm from the tese, which he may or may not depending on the origin of the azoo, you are going to need those eggs. The sooner you start extracting and saving the better your chances. I wish I had frozen mine earlier.

In your place I would probably leave, because I know that I would resent him for ever. Considering what women go through in natural pregnancies, and what you'd be going through in an IVF pregnancy, what he's being asked to do is nothing. I would find it hard to get past that feeling that he had the chance to do something and he refused.

This 👆 is my feeling too. And you deserve to try for You / Yourself and your own life and happiness going forward if your overriding instinct is to have a child. As a PP said step back from the moral issue and concentrate on the practical one. But you need to be clear what your main concern is, and people have left relationships for far lesser reasons.

Good luck whatever you decide, I really hope things work out for you.

Oh love so tough I really feel for you

I had a parallel situation with DH, not who was infertile but who didn’t know if he wanted kids

we’ve been talking through relate the couples therapy and it has been life changing for us both having a third person available to deflect the conflict and guide us to talking openly and look at underlying issues that make the fertility questions seem so hard to approach

Also I was similar to you, my family were on the other side of the world so I felt bad missing my family and not even having a family of my own. So the break up involved me moving back and, although it was hard, it was amazing to reconnect with everyone and spend time building relationships with my nieces and nephews. I got to the point where I was happy to have my family around me and came to terms with possibly not having kids. Then he changed his mind and we ended up getting back together.

Hi OP. My husband has male factor- azoospermia- although he knew about it when we met and shared this with ne, it hasn’t been without challenges. We had a lot of time to explore what would work for us moving forward as our relationship evolved and eventually we went down donor sperm route. He was very cooperative with investigations like micro tese.

However, during our research , when we went to a donor conception workshop we met a couple where they had both just discovered that the guy had mfi. Both were shocked and devastated. It was clear she was considering leaving and he spoke about his depression and emasculation. I guess what I saw was the shock of tragic news. Could you set a timeline with your partner at which pont a decision needs to be made? I would also point out to him that at 38, time is already not on your side- though plenty of my friends conceived naturally or with ivf at that age, I didn’t and it took years before we had Ds. So it’s fair to accept that he is grieving and distressed but it’s also fair to say that you need a deadline at which he will make his choice and then you can make yours. Say maybe six weeks or so from now? This might spur him on to at least find someone to talk to about it. Sorry for your struggles. Happy to PM if you like.

YANBU at all. Just wanted to say I hear you, it's a lonely place. Trust yourself to know what to do. Take good care of yourself. X

Think about what a woman puts her body through when faced with infertility. This is what makes it different, he is not willing to even go to the appointment. I think you should leave him because he's not willing to try. I would suggest couples therapy because he obviously feels bad about it and is maybe worried you will leave him because if it so won't engage but then you said he won't do therapy so what more can you do to help him? He's fucking this up and really what choice do you have.

I was in a similar situation where partner didn't want kids and I was approaching similar age. It's hard but in the end it feels better to take control and make a choice than to sit around and wait for him to pull his finger out. You will probably end up breaking up anyway because you will resent him and you will be even older and single. In my situation the separation made him see what he had lost and he changed his mind. You have to do something though as the current situation isn't working.

I really do feel for both of you. He may not want to talk about it because he feels shame of being infertile. And maybe the appointment worries him as he knows how bad you want a baby and worry he may not be able to give it to you?

But I can also see why your upset that he isn't engaging with you when your trying to find solutions.

I second the poster that advises counselling.

Ask yourself if you would leave him if you had tried every Avenue you could and it still just didn't work out?

You aren't considering leaving him because he can't have a child. You are considering leaving because having been told he won't find it easy to have a baby, he seems to have disengaged.

I'd leave in that scenario.

Leave him and pursue having a child.

Sounds to me like he is hurt about the diagnosis and not coping with it well. You put forward a very different scenario with women who cant have children being left by partners. I dont think women refuse treatment in the main, not my experience as a nurse. Maybe, if he wont speak to you about it, you aim for a day when you wont be there and he will be and leave him a letter, one that expresses what you have said here, and tell him you are so desperate that if he is truly not willing to consider options, then as children are an essential for you, leaving the relationship is a final resort. Might wake him up.

Well he needs to make up his mind because at 38 you just have the time to wait whilst he decides. You’ll be lucky to get pregnant now so time IS of the essence and you have a necessity to push him for a decision at least!

This is a hard one. My partner has male infertility problems. We found out after 7 years together. After we found out, he shut himself away, told me he wouldn't blame him for leaving and felt he had no one to talk to as it isn't widely spoke about in male circles. He ended up having an operation that failed then going down the donor route. We now have a 16 month old daughter.

Your partner is probably still grieving silently about it, and has taken the option to not do anything.

If IVF with donor didn't work for us, as much as I would've wanted kids, I would still stay with him.
But the fact that he doesn't want to explore any options would make me resent your partner. I believe that if you did leave him, you remind him, it is not due to his infertility, but because he doesn't want to do anything to help his situation.

I would sit him down for a serious conversation and explain as much as he doesn't want to talk, it needs to happen.

Sorry with what you're going through!

That can be very difficult emotionally for both the parent (and especially the one who is infertile as it's not 'his' child) and the child.

Good to hear the lines of communication have been opened OP.

This is a difficult situation Op. I do wonder why you have left it so late if you knew you wanted a baby at some point ? Eg Was he always a bit reluctant, but kept on promising to try at some point in the future ?
I think there are a few possibilities - He may just be in a panic, phobic about the surgery and selfishly focusing on that rather than thinking of what you would need to go through with pregnancy and birth, if you do conceive. He may actually not want children at all and have lied to you (either about wanting children, or about a vasectomy) . Or he is shocked at the lack of sperm and can’t cope.
I think the advice to go away and give him thinking time is really sensible. Take the heat off for a few weeks, then talk when you get back.
If you are going to carry on trying, get married ! You can all each other husband and wife all you like, but you are not husband and wife, and you are in a vulnerable position.

Omg I am so sorry. The pull of wanting a child and being a mother is so strong. Short answer is that it’s probably better to leave him. Very sad. So sorry.

You say he has no sperm, is that just in his sample? Because my dh only had 3 single sperm, 2 of which were immobile, but when he had pesa, they extracted plenty, they just couldn't get through due to epidydamal cysts.

Oh yeah, sorted. Fucking idiot.