Page 2 | 6 year old afraid to be alone ... ever

NightSprinkles · 2023-02-16T21:55:17+00:00

Shamelessly posting here for traffic. I'm desperate for help. My six year old DD is terribly afraid of being on her own anywhere even in our house (when we are all at home). She won't go alone to the toilet or to another room or anywhere she can't see either me or my husband. Sometimes when she is distracted she will but only till she realises that she is alone and then she starts screaming and crying. She just panics. I just don't know what to do. Apart from that I think this might not be normal and there must be something going on it also makes life quite difficult when one of us always has to be with her. I feel she misses out on so much because she is scared all the time of something or the other. She is also scared of water or taking any physical risk. I'm not sure when it started. She's always been very cautious and hesitant but this inability to be on her own for or to go to another room in the house on her own has been going on for at least a couple of years. Has anyone got any experience with this it any idea how to deal with it? Anything you can share would be appreciated. I think we need to consult a psychologist (also about her very, very poor eating) but I haven't found anyone suitable and affordable yet.

OliveWah · 16/02/2023 23:21

This will sound a bit random, but does your DD have asthma and use a brown "preventative" inhaler? I ask because our usually happy and self-assured (then) 6 year old DD suddenly started crying every time I tried to drop her off at school and couldn't bear to be separated from me just a few days after starting using an inhaler of this type. It took a couple of months of various appointments with Drs and Therapists, but eventually we tried stopping the inhaler and within 48 hours, she was back to her usual self - I had no idea it could affect someone in this way, so just thought I'd mention it on the very small off chance your DD is suffering in the same way. Whatever the issue is, you have my sympathies, as it's incredibly hard when your DD is so distressed and you can't work out what to do to help.

giantwaterbottle · 16/02/2023 23:21

Oh and @NightSprinkles I am still anxious and cautious and I think of how to get out of random made up situations like every time I drive over a bridge with my kids in the car, how is save them if we went in. I never leave them alone and I lock all doors, I try and think of escape plans and how to get out of places in fires etc, I worry about them being abducted. All unlikely things but they don't consume my thoughts all the time so I think maybe it's just an overactive protection type thing in our brains. As someone mentioned up thread, like a prehistoric through back type thing

TheSnowyOwl · 16/02/2023 23:19

Can you ask school for a meeting with the senco? I appreciate a number of people saying it’s normal but of my children, only my autistic one does this and she also has huge issues regarding food.

giantwaterbottle · 16/02/2023 23:18

This has brought back very vivid memories of my own childhood. I distinctly remember going through exactly what you've described. Though funnily enough hasn't remembered until reading this!

I don't know how long it lasted sorry but I do know I got over it. I remember the terror or running through the house at night to get to my parents bed!

I do know that I am still an anxious and a cautious person. I was always very risk adverse and scared of water or scary things on tv.
I was a very cautious teen and was too scared to take many risks. I'd even leave the room when friends were watching horror films up until my 20's because I knew they would scare and upset me.
My dad used to tell me that it's ok to be over cautious, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay alive. And (so far) it's kept me safe and served me well. So maybe that might be of some reassurance to you OP

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 23:09

Op I think it depends on how she feels about the worrying. Sometimes (and especially if you do express irritation which it's very hard not to) they can feel really crap about having the fear in the first place. Really do recommend the 'helping your child' book.

Original poster

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 23:05

BigBadBoom · 16/02/2023 22:49

My daughter was still definitely scared of going upstairs or to the toilet by herself at the age of 6. Her brother was born when she was 5, and as soon as he was mobile she would make him go with her 😂 As I say, it has been a slow process, but now she's at the upstairs and slamming her door stage at 10 years old. Now she's worried about periods, and being a grown up, I definitely think with her she just is an anxious soul, so we try to guide her through it. You know your child best, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about. Our girl now has sleepovers with pals, has been on Brownie camp - all things that would have been unimaginable just a few years ago. It's been small steps, and a lot of support, understanding and encouragement.

DD too calls her little brother to give her company on the toilet and he more than happily obliges (well...sometimes)😁

It's not just the toilet. She won't for example go and get anything from another room either even if it's just for a few seconds.

I'm torn between not making a fuss and just accompanying her everywhere (and accepting that she will miss out on many things because we need to do everything together) and trying to fix this. I worry that it's an indication of something else going on that needs attention or that it might get worse and yes, I worry about her developing anxiety and / or depression when she is older.

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BigBadBoom · 16/02/2023 22:52

@boygirlmom I went through a stage at about 8 years old when I was convinced we were going to all die in a house fire (possibly being exposed to London's Burning had something to do with that 😁). I remember being so scared, it was a very real fear. So I've always tried to see things from the view that no matter how daft it is to me, it's real to her. And it just takes time.

Orders76 · 16/02/2023 22:52

I was like this til about five, and my dad was great with it ( I followed him everywhere and he had to stay while I feel asleep, it was bad). If one parent can put up with it, it might really help and she'll grow out of the anxiety.

BigBadBoom · 16/02/2023 22:49

My daughter was still definitely scared of going upstairs or to the toilet by herself at the age of 6. Her brother was born when she was 5, and as soon as he was mobile she would make him go with her 😂 As I say, it has been a slow process, but now she's at the upstairs and slamming her door stage at 10 years old. Now she's worried about periods, and being a grown up, I definitely think with her she just is an anxious soul, so we try to guide her through it. You know your child best, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about. Our girl now has sleepovers with pals, has been on Brownie camp - all things that would have been unimaginable just a few years ago. It's been small steps, and a lot of support, understanding and encouragement.

Original poster

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 22:48

I'm glad to read though that this behaviour isn't completely unheard of and other kids have been through this too and are improving.

Thank you so much everyone for your inputs. All the replies have been really helpful!!

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boygirlmom · 16/02/2023 22:47

I used to cry myself to sleep when I was 6 praying nothing would happen to my parents. I can't remember why but I used to be like this. I was over it by 8 or 9. She just needs love at her age. A hug would always put me at ease.

Original poster

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 22:42

Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 22:27

I dont understand why people dont realise this is normal

Children are afraid of monsters

For 99% of the time our species has existed on the planet, most children were vulnerable to predators

Their instincts to avoid being vulnerable and fear the monster is deeply ingrained.
It is biological..it is normal..it is automatic.. it is just reflexive. It is completely NOT because something bad has happened to them! or that they need some sort of counselling!

It is called being a human child

It can affect any child, to any extent, or not, at random, as with any instinct

I think the issue is the extent of it. How extreme it is and how much she is missing out on because of this. Yes, of course all children are afraid of monsters but I don't see other kids her age refusing to go to the toilet on their own (in their own house..with the door open and a parent being in the next room) or needing a parent (or anyone else..she isn't too fussed about who) to be "in sight" at all times.

I understand that evolutionary it makes sense but not to this extent, I think. I like the explanation though. I will tell her that to hopefully help her make sense of why she feels so scared.

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BigBadBoom · 16/02/2023 22:41

I would also say she has always been pretty anxious and nervous in general, about trying new things, how she might be injured etc. It has been a slow build of her confidence but now she cycles, skateboards, goes to an outdoor adventure club. She still worries about health, but I think a lot of that was exacerbated by COVID. We just keep explaining things logically to her, and reinforcing that we wouldn't let her do things if they weren't safe. Her confidence is growing all the time.

BigBadBoom · 16/02/2023 22:39

Mine went through this, it was a total PITA. She grew out of it, although it took a while. My husband had differing ideas on how to deal with it, but I remember being afraid as a child about things that in hindsight were ridiculous, and I didn't want that feeling of loneliness for her. I spent a LONG time explaining various noises, reinforcing the fact that the logical reason for a strange noise is likely the actual reason, and not a monster or whatever. She's fine now, but it was hard work and very frustrating!

Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 22:33

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 22:30

Right. But sometimes it stops them enjoying a normal life and then you need to help them out of it.

Show quote history

yes, sure, and its very irritating!

Reassurance is needed, often at inconvenient times

But there ae people on this thread making it out be something it is not

Supersimkin2 · 16/02/2023 22:32

Trouble is, we’re not living in caves any more. This is fixable, so no drama.

I’d talk to a psych if I were you; the behaviour must be exhausting for others, and it’ll damage DD’s social development if it lasts much longer.

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 22:30

Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 22:27

I dont understand why people dont realise this is normal

Children are afraid of monsters

For 99% of the time our species has existed on the planet, most children were vulnerable to predators

Their instincts to avoid being vulnerable and fear the monster is deeply ingrained.
It is biological..it is normal..it is automatic.. it is just reflexive. It is completely NOT because something bad has happened to them! or that they need some sort of counselling!

It is called being a human child

It can affect any child, to any extent, or not, at random, as with any instinct

Right. But sometimes it stops them enjoying a normal life and then you need to help them out of it.

Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 22:27

I dont understand why people dont realise this is normal

Children are afraid of monsters

For 99% of the time our species has existed on the planet, most children were vulnerable to predators

Their instincts to avoid being vulnerable and fear the monster is deeply ingrained.
It is biological..it is normal..it is automatic.. it is just reflexive. It is completely NOT because something bad has happened to them! or that they need some sort of counselling!

It is called being a human child

It can affect any child, to any extent, or not, at random, as with any instinct

Haggisfish3 · 16/02/2023 22:26

My dd was the same. And with eating. She is slowly growing out of the being alone thing-she spends time on the computer now chatting to friends which helps.

VestaTilley · 16/02/2023 22:23

Do either you or DH have anxiety or ASD? I’m wondering about heritability and learned behaviour. Definitely see the GP.

Are you sure nothing bad couldn’t have happened to her? When you were at a relatives house, family friends? I’d be worried she’s seen something or something awful has happened at school maybe, or in nursery.

saltwater1985 · 16/02/2023 22:22

My dd is 6.5 and wants me (or anyone) to go upstairs to the loo with her.

It's irritating but she will grow out of it. She's my third and I think the older two did similar at that age.
I remember DD1 being terrified that a meteorite would hit earth. Every day I had to reassure her there weren't any coming our way.
DS currently is worried about the bloody Chinese spy balloons 🙄 they all seem to have worries and need some calm reassurance but try not to get drawn into the anxiety

Original poster

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 22:19

onionringcheeseypuff · 16/02/2023 22:09

My son was the same

Cat died when he was 7 and he suddenly realised one day mum and dad will die and he will be alone

He was afraid of the dark anyway. Quite normal

But he wouldn't go anywhere in house alone

We had to go to the toilet with him, stay with him til he fell asleep, has to constantly talk to him and he needed to hear the tv on very loudly so he knew we were around if he woke up in the night and we weren't there, wouldn't go to toilet in the night would wet the bed so had to have baby monitors again so he could shout me to take him

We decided to buy smart bulbs and every room had an Alexa and we made routines for lights to be on full then at certain times would dim and over a long time (sorry but it was over a year maybe more) gradually got him used to lower lights about the house and knowing he could speak to us through them like an intercom anywhere in house helped

He had sleep sounds on the Alexa at night

Honestly he needed a lot of guidance and CAMHS got involved and were less than actually useless so we just made our own coping strategies then gradually withdrew them

Thank you for sharing. We've got an echo in her room and downstairs and we still also use the baby monitor. I tell her that whenever she goes in the house she isn't very far from somebody else and we can always hear her. Maybe we should try communicating through Alexa like the walkie talkie idea above.

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Mardyface · 16/02/2023 22:16

The book 'Helping your child with fears and worries' by Lucy Willets and Cathy cresswell was recommended to me by a child psychologist and was really helpful for my DD. It's a workbook with ideas about how to talk about why she doesn't want to be left alone, unpick that a bit, and gradually help her do it at her own pace.

I had a magical moment with one of the techniques from it with DD when she was talking about why it was she didn't want a mirror in her room. You just say, 'I would feel scared too if I thought... (I might fall into the mirror )'. So you're not saying they're right but you're validating the feeling. She kind of nodded and realised I got it and wasn't just being irritated with her and we turned a bit of a corner then.

Original poster

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 22:16

Humphplumf · 16/02/2023 22:01

Hello, I have similar with DD. It’s been going on since she was very small. As long as I can remember really. It’s funny because she’s not particularly clingy, but if she is in another room and I’m quiet, even now at age ten, she’ll suddenly shout ‘mum’ and get louder and louder to near panic if I don’t answer within the first 3 calls.
I try really hard to justo sort of say ‘yes DD, how can I help’? But obviously it’s very irritating. I’m kind of hoping she just grows out of it. It’s got better, but it’s a very slow process. It was compounded by DH spending some time in hospital a few years ago, and when I had a baby years before that.

How interesting. Maybe it is just personality and some kids are like this. I hope she will be able to be in a different room at some point too. Funnily enough she is actually quite independent and quote capable. She likes doing things herself but one of us has to be in the room.

I keep taking my brain where we Wentworth wrong. We definitely both tend to err on the side of over protective but not in an extreme way and we try very hard to give her as much independence as possible and encourage her to do things. I used to spend lots of time with her when she was younger when she wasn't at nursery and sometimes I wonder if she didn't have enough of a chance to get used to being on her own.

Hope this improves for your daughter as well!!

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Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 22:11

Its completely normal, and completely instinctive - in prehistoric times she would be a tasty bite for a passing predator if she was out of your sight

Many children react like this at this age.

Reassurance, praise for being brave, but really, just dont make a big thing of it, she will grow out of it