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AIBU?

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Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 08:58

This thread is obviously expanding into a much wider debate ... .. just to zero in on your (op) experiences and observation of these two situations;

If you've been cheated on etc - naturally you might judge that sex by those actions; but plenty of men have been cheated on by women so they might equally try to judge our sex on those actions. Would either be correct. The official stats for cheating - though it's very hard to tell when it's self reporting ; are not far off each other in terms of cheating (for men and women).

I know quite a lot of men who've been cheated on in pretty shit circumstances... My uncle was married to a woman who was an alcoholic and regularly cheated on him. He's now married to a woman who declared feelings for him, having met him while bringing her husband's lunch into their workplace. She claimed the marriage was dead, left her dh and divorce him. Nonetheless it was her coming onto his work colleague while bringing his lunch into work, and him who was left for someone else.

My sister cheated on her long-term on off boyfriend, who she was engaged to at the time and living with. She got pregnant by one of two other men (still don't know which). My other sister is said to have cheated on her ex husband, I believe he forgave the affair and agreed to accept paternity for a pregnancy around the time of the affair; her younger DD bears absolutely no resemblance to him. None whatsoever.

I went to uni with a girl who regularly cheated in her bf with his mate. I travelled with a girl who says straight she'd been cheating on her bf with his friend for most of their relationship

I know a neighbour's DD who cheated on her dh on a girl's holiday ...he forgave and is still with her.

I could keep listing examples.

Fact is the world is full of shitty cheaters of both sexes.

The rest of the behaviour around sexual abuse, assault, rape, exploitation, prostitution, violence,toxic masculinity etc is, of course, a related but separate subject.

Charlize43 · 15/02/2023 08:57

saraclara · 15/02/2023 08:35

Reverse the sexes and this could be the title of a post on an incel board.

This ^

Sometimes MN appears like the reverse side of the same coin.

What is it, the kids say, 'Haters gonna hate!'

Bleakhouser · 15/02/2023 08:54

BabyOnBoard90 · 15/02/2023 08:35

It's entirely sexist and false to suggest cheating is a man thing tbh, lots of women do the same

Show quote history

I wasn’t referring to cheating, I was talking about war, sexual violence, aggression, abuse, murder.

Cheating is the least of our worries tbh

considerablycuntierthanyou · 15/02/2023 08:53

You'll be told on this thread that it's just you, you've picked duds, there are plenty of nice men out there, you just have to keep trying. That the threads in relationships board are only ever going to be negative, and only unhappy people are going to reach out and ask for help.

Go visit Female Dating Strategy on reddit. Those women will help you navigate your relationships with men far better than this place. Women here are hopelessly attached to their "most men are lovely, really" world view. Even though the most dangerous thing a woman could ever do is live with a man.

YANBU. Straight women have a terrible time.

DoormatBob · 15/02/2023 08:52

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:40

There are good men, but there are a lot of guys that feel entitled to do whatever the fuck they want.

I do agree there is a male privilege that it's much easier to restart a new life. The consequences are lower for men.

SheldontheWonderSchlong · 15/02/2023 08:51

CloakAndTin · 15/02/2023 08:42

You'll get women on here saying "well my man would never cheat, I trust him implicitly. Don't judge all men blah blah", then everyday another thread of a woman exposing a cheating partner and exclaiming he's the last man in the world she would believe would cheat, she can't believe it. They're all capable of it, even the "good" ones.

Cheating is one thing, but my own growing disgust for men and fear for my daughters and granddaughter, comes from the daily bombardment of news reports detailing male violence against women and girls. Murders, rapes, assaults, harassment. Police officers raping and murdering, taking selfies with female murder victims. There was so much on one day recently that I actually wept. I'm starting to think most men don't see women as sentient beings. We really are service humans in their eyes - there to satisfy their wants and needs.

Women are right to be wary of men. How many women have ever placed a hidden camera in a men's toilets? Bought worn mens shoes/underwear as part of a fetish? Put a camera under a changing room door to film a man getting undressed? Posted explicit images of their unknowing partner on a porn sharing site? Deliberately rubbed up against a random male on a busy tube train? Flashed at children in the local park? Phoned a male grooming salon and breathed heavily down the phone or asked the male salon owner what underwear he has on (I used to own a salon - this was a semi regular occurance, along with wanting a detailed description of what a bikini wax involved).

Now, sadly, even our rights to any space away from them are being removed - by men. Even in refuges where most women end up due to male behaviour.

It's a bleak outlook for women I'm afraid.

This is absolutely spot on.

Humanwoman · 15/02/2023 08:49

Lots of men are awful. They want to scare or hurt women and hold power over them. They don't see women as actual people rather things to be used to get what they want.
The people who fire back woman cheat too or not all men have no interest in addressing the issue, they just want women to shut up about it.

This is what's happening, women are being quieter about it but they are also avoiding men now. Hence the rise of the lonely single man.

Sux2buthen · 15/02/2023 08:49

Nobody is all great or all bad.
There are lovely people that make mistakes and not so nice people that do occasional good things.
No one is perfect, male or female.

Fairyliz · 15/02/2023 08:48

pictoosh · 15/02/2023 08:43

To add, it's not specifically cheating I'm taking about here. I've never been cheated on actually. It's the selfish, childish, entitled, lazy, aggressive, bossy, arrogant, nasty, patronising stupidity of them I object to.

No...not all men. But a fuckton of them enough. Wankers.

@pictoosh
Yes me too.
Im too old to bother about the sex but it’s men’s sheer entitlement that gets to me. The feeling that they are superior and women are there to serve them.

DdraigGoch · 15/02/2023 08:47

PegasusReturns · 15/02/2023 08:12

Earlier this week I read about an 18 yr old girl who was raped in a park in London.

she was then raped by a second unrelated man.

That should have been awful enough but yesterday a jury failed to convict because enough people (and im betting my last £20 - men) believed she consented.

We'll never know what was said in the Jury room, but you may well be wrong. Women believe rape myths too.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 08:46

While stats clearly snowmen are responsible for the vast vast majority of violent crime, sex crime etc Inc child sex abuse.

In these cases of cheating you've cited, it's worth noting that

  1. MGK/Colson Baker has an ex who said he cheated on her with Megan Fox. Was MF really unaware of her existence/the relationship?

If you hook up with someone whom cheats, don't be super surprised if they cheat on you.

  1. Joe Wester whatever was cheating with a friend's partner ..... Which means she was equally cheating on a man, with his mate.

So that's two scum bags - of both sexes.

Bichette · 15/02/2023 08:46

I agree and it's not just in personal relationships.
Terrorism
Religious violence
People Trafficking
Drug dealers
School shootings
War
Murder suicides
... I'm sure there's more.

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 08:46

@Moopsi I pointed out that there was a different perspective, I did not blame her so don't put words in her mouth. Men are highly driven by sex and frequently unfaithful etc., sex is more important to men than for women and the idea of monogamy is unrealistic for some men for this reason. This doesn't make men awful it's just the way they are.

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 08:45

If you read MN all day I can certainly see why you'd have that impression.

Mind you, you'd also think MILs are even worse so I guess (some) women get a bad rep too.

pictoosh · 15/02/2023 08:44

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:40

There are good men, but there are a lot of guys that feel entitled to do whatever the fuck they want.

This.

pictoosh · 15/02/2023 08:43

To add, it's not specifically cheating I'm taking about here. I've never been cheated on actually. It's the selfish, childish, entitled, lazy, aggressive, bossy, arrogant, nasty, patronising stupidity of them I object to.

No...not all men. But a fuckton of them enough. Wankers.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2023 08:43

I have had two horrible long term relationships with liars and cheats. I have come to the conclusion that all men are ultimately vile

This is so silly.

You have had two bad relationships but all men are vile 🤦🏻‍♀️

I had a horrible marriage, now over, with a man I met at 20. My previous long term boyfriend was immature & cheated. I have stayed single - no dating at all - for 10 years. So my relationship history is not good.

However I don't base my judgment of all men on that! I am not sure if I'll have a relationship again. I would really like to think so. I couldn't till now due to raising DC, trauma from my marriage & personal choice (eg not into casual relationships).

But it isn't led me to label all men as vile. That's appalling.

CloakAndTin · 15/02/2023 08:42

You'll get women on here saying "well my man would never cheat, I trust him implicitly. Don't judge all men blah blah", then everyday another thread of a woman exposing a cheating partner and exclaiming he's the last man in the world she would believe would cheat, she can't believe it. They're all capable of it, even the "good" ones.

Cheating is one thing, but my own growing disgust for men and fear for my daughters and granddaughter, comes from the daily bombardment of news reports detailing male violence against women and girls. Murders, rapes, assaults, harassment. Police officers raping and murdering, taking selfies with female murder victims. There was so much on one day recently that I actually wept. I'm starting to think most men don't see women as sentient beings. We really are service humans in their eyes - there to satisfy their wants and needs.

Women are right to be wary of men. How many women have ever placed a hidden camera in a men's toilets? Bought worn mens shoes/underwear as part of a fetish? Put a camera under a changing room door to film a man getting undressed? Posted explicit images of their unknowing partner on a porn sharing site? Deliberately rubbed up against a random male on a busy tube train? Flashed at children in the local park? Phoned a male grooming salon and breathed heavily down the phone or asked the male salon owner what underwear he has on (I used to own a salon - this was a semi regular occurance, along with wanting a detailed description of what a bikini wax involved).

Now, sadly, even our rights to any space away from them are being removed - by men. Even in refuges where most women end up due to male behaviour.

It's a bleak outlook for women I'm afraid.

saraclara · 15/02/2023 08:41

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 08:32

What is about 33% of British men have a criminal conviction.

I just googled this as it seemed so unlikely, I thought it couldn’t possibly be true. Fucking hell. It is.

And let’s not forget the vast numbers that get away with rape and sexual assault.

NAMALT, but most are.

And 21% of women have criminal convictions, down from 26% a few years ago.

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:40

There are good men, but there are a lot of guys that feel entitled to do whatever the fuck they want.

Sirzy · 15/02/2023 08:40

saraclara · 15/02/2023 08:35

Reverse the sexes and this could be the title of a post on an incel board.

Very true.

namechangeforthisbleep · 15/02/2023 08:39

These threads are weird. In my circle non of the husbands are twats. I believe there are lots around but surely people know there are many decent men out there

pictoosh · 15/02/2023 08:39

I can't stand them either for the most part. It's not entirely their fault. Society indulges and upholds men in becoming the twats they are.
Of course there are genuinely nice men out there...but they're rare.

Mooshamoo · 15/02/2023 08:38

Is monogamy natural though?

I think it was imposed by governments in old times.

I dont think it is natural for a lot of humans.

"You can only be with me and no one else".

Maybe we need to accept that men will always be with other women. We also need to be with other men.

ArseMenagerie · 15/02/2023 08:38

plumduck · 15/02/2023 08:35

A quick Google brings up many articles saying actually women have started many wars

Lol