Page 2 | ....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

TrainteaAnnie · 2023-02-15T08:03:16+00:00

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust.. One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday. I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to. And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage. In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman. It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful. Help!

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:33

@5128gap I'm only suggesting that both parties go into the contract with their eyes wide open and fully understanding the consequences and looking at some common scenarios that play out. Far too many people go into marriage when they are in the love bubble thinking their beloved can do no wrong. This couldn't be further from the truth, it should be mandatory for everyone to fully understand the financial implications of getting married.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:30

@Sandra1984 that's because prenups are worthless once kids arrive in the UK.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 10:55

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 10:44

@Begsthequestion I also wonder why you think men have for millennia headed up institutions to enforce religious and marital rights which require monogamy, if they hate it so much?

The patriarchy was all about controlling women to make sure she didn’t get pregnant from another man and pass the child as the husbands. There were no DNA tests in the old times so monogamy was a must in order to pass one’s genes . Of course monogamy never applied to men, duh!

Yep, once a surplus of wealth was created via agriculture, men wanted to control it, and have inflicted all kinds of violence to do so.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 10:53

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

Are you not going to address my question? You said men are not awful, they just lied about wanting monogamy all this time. Sounds pretty awful to me.

5128gap · 20/08/2023 10:49

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

There are ready laws about the division of marital assets.
The second is both pointless (how are you going to know as a 20 something how you'll feel if your 50 year old husband gets ED and stops wanting to try/wont seek help? You'd probably not imagine it as a possibility. Men don't tend to shout about it.) and unnecessary.
People already know their options if their partner doesn't have sex with them. Leave, put up with it, have sex with other people. Attempts to put this on a legal footing take us dangerously back to the days of sex within marriage being a right that can be enforced. Dangerous times for women.

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 10:44

@Begsthequestion I also wonder why you think men have for millennia headed up institutions to enforce religious and marital rights which require monogamy, if they hate it so much?

The patriarchy was all about controlling women to make sure she didn’t get pregnant from another man and pass the child as the husbands. There were no DNA tests in the old times so monogamy was a must in order to pass one’s genes . Of course monogamy never applied to men, duh!

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 10:37

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

That’s called signing a pre-nup and it’s very common practice in the US but feels like something bad or “shameful” here in Europe. Culture is a funny thing.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 20/08/2023 08:58

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 08:12

I hear you OP, I have completely lost my faith in men.

Every day on the news, women and children abused, raped and murdered by men, men that they loved and trusted. Sick to death of it.

Sick of misogny, "banter", road rage, you name it, men are awful.
The misdeeds women are guilty of are just incomparable to the awfulness of men.

Things are on the news because they're "news worthy", i.e. they are unusual, outside the norm. It's ridiculous to lose faith in everyone because of the few (in the grand scheme, they are the vast minority) who are awful and do awful things. Lucy Letby is in the news because she has done something unimaginably awful. This does not mean all women murder babies, all young women murder babies, all nurses murder babies, all special care nurses murder babies.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

Begsthequestion · 19/08/2023 21:36

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 08:46

@Moopsi I pointed out that there was a different perspective, I did not blame her so don't put words in her mouth. Men are highly driven by sex and frequently unfaithful etc., sex is more important to men than for women and the idea of monogamy is unrealistic for some men for this reason. This doesn't make men awful it's just the way they are.

Well your theory makes men liars who can't control themselves, so that's pretty awful.

I also wonder why you think men have for millennia headed up institutions to enforce religious and marital rights which require monogamy, if they hate it so much?

Vault687 · 19/08/2023 21:21

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aurorauk · 19/08/2023 21:17

the men on here saying "women cheat too!!" need to have their heads examined. yes, women cheat, duh. but not nearly as often especially since they do the vast majority of work in the home while working and birthing and raising children. Yes, op, I know this is an old post but it's true. men are awful. generally. the commit most of the crimes and they treat women badly. it's just the way it is. hopefully things will change with time but it wont be any time soon. and what are guys doing on a forum for moms?!

Liz1tummypain · 18/03/2023 19:15

momager1 · 13/03/2023 20:09

I have an amazing husband (20 years this year) My first husband was an abusive asshole in everyway and made my life a living hell . I was married to him for 3 months shy of 10 years. I have said that god forbid something happened to my lovely husband, I will never marry again or even date. I had the worst husband and then the best...thats a 50/50 chance and I would never risk it. Plus no other man could live up to mine. He is not very romantic, can't boil water without burning the pot, but he can fix anything, he keeps my car gassed up as I hate pumping gas, and in 20 yrs I have not cut grass or shoveled snow or carried anything heavy lol. Tells me every day that he loves me and never leaves the house without kissing me goodbye. Not all men are bad, but I would never take the chance again

Not all men are bad, yes true. And I hope there's no continued suggestion on any parallel site run for men that all women are bad either. I like to think most men and most women are good, ( to varying degrees).

girlfriend44 · 13/03/2023 21:20

Not all men are like your saying. Your just reading the bad stuff.

momager1 · 13/03/2023 21:08

lol Yes he does. but he is married to our amazing daughter in law hahaha.. sorry

cassiastatham · 13/03/2023 20:12

momager1 · 13/03/2023 20:09

I have an amazing husband (20 years this year) My first husband was an abusive asshole in everyway and made my life a living hell . I was married to him for 3 months shy of 10 years. I have said that god forbid something happened to my lovely husband, I will never marry again or even date. I had the worst husband and then the best...thats a 50/50 chance and I would never risk it. Plus no other man could live up to mine. He is not very romantic, can't boil water without burning the pot, but he can fix anything, he keeps my car gassed up as I hate pumping gas, and in 20 yrs I have not cut grass or shoveled snow or carried anything heavy lol. Tells me every day that he loves me and never leaves the house without kissing me goodbye. Not all men are bad, but I would never take the chance again

Does he have a son? Asking for a friend🌷

momager1 · 13/03/2023 20:09

I have an amazing husband (20 years this year) My first husband was an abusive asshole in everyway and made my life a living hell . I was married to him for 3 months shy of 10 years. I have said that god forbid something happened to my lovely husband, I will never marry again or even date. I had the worst husband and then the best...thats a 50/50 chance and I would never risk it. Plus no other man could live up to mine. He is not very romantic, can't boil water without burning the pot, but he can fix anything, he keeps my car gassed up as I hate pumping gas, and in 20 yrs I have not cut grass or shoveled snow or carried anything heavy lol. Tells me every day that he loves me and never leaves the house without kissing me goodbye. Not all men are bad, but I would never take the chance again

vera99 · 28/02/2023 18:11

PartridgeInAChair · 18/02/2023 20:06

I do wonder if I'm a bad person because I find Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr & Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge) really funny.

back of the net ........

PartridgeInAChair · 18/02/2023 21:51

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 20:12

I do feel for you and realise that not everyone's lives have mapped out the same. I have just had drinks with Husband and friend couples and had a really nice time.

Then again I will be accused of being smug.

I have had other things to deal with which I can't go into detail because I already think I've gave too away and don't want to be recognised.

Even though I've disagreed with posters I know everyone has different feelings.

I do dislike one poster who I hope I never come across again.

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This was me trying to be kind.

My life has not been perfect.

People can have bad experiences that are not about relationships.

I feel that Myself and Pissy Flaps, Vomit etc got angry but if we are probably all good people.

SamanthaCaine · 18/02/2023 21:26

PartridgeInAChair · 18/02/2023 19:54

I hope everything is going OK.

I do realise that the thread went mental. Good luck to your future

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It did didn't it 🤣

But ultimately, hats off to the OP and best wishes.

PartridgeInAChair · 18/02/2023 20:06

I do wonder if I'm a bad person because I find Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr & Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge) really funny.

PartridgeInAChair · 18/02/2023 19:54

TrainteaAnnie · 17/02/2023 10:57

Hello everyone, can't believe the amount responses on this thread. Have been doing lots of reading and have found lots of you to be incredibly helpful! Thank you.
Incase anyone is curious, I've decided to give this guy a chance. It's my responsibility to manage my anxieties in relation to my past experiences with men. I don't want to live in fear of love. And equally I don't think it's fair to be with someone while not trusting them, that risks a toxic situation.
I actually decided to be very open with him last night and said to him I know the onus is on me to get past these insecurities but that I wanted to be honest with him incase I stumble along the way. He was incredibly supportive and understanding, and has been very nurturing this morning. He said that trust is a two way street and as a man he has had his own moments of insecurity too. He said whenever a small doubt creeps in he makes a conscious decision to assume trust.
It's early days, I'm going to take my time. But I do want to be in a loving, trusting relationship. So I've got to work on myself, and work together with him I guess.

Thanks everyone

I hope everything is going OK.

I do realise that the thread went mental. Good luck to your future

Liz1tummypain · 18/02/2023 11:11

@Pissy, yes I agree

FlissyPaps · 18/02/2023 11:03

And yet in my life it has not occurred to myself or any of my friends

You can only speak for yourself. You have no idea if any of your friends have been raped. Like you said, it’s not an easy to thing to share.

Liz1tummypain · 18/02/2023 08:38

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 23:23

There's no evidence false accusations of rape are higher than other crimes
But even if 50% of reports were false, thar still means 49/50 genuine victims don't get justice
That's not OK....is it?

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Yes I agree that it's not ok. And yet in my life it has not occurred to myself or any of my friends, although of course I accept it's not an easy thing for any woman ( or any person),. to share. And I still think posts such as this let users propagate the idea all men ,or a large proportion of them are rapists and that is decidedly false.