....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

TrainteaAnnie · 2023-02-15T08:03:16+00:00

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust.. One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday. I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to. And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage. In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman. It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful. Help!

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:42

theworldhas · 15/02/2023 14:00

@WizardOfAus

*How many women do you see with porn addictions?
How many women use prostitutes?
Whats the percentage of men who frequent strip clubs compared to women
*

These three are all fundamentally because women have, on average, far lower sex drives. Therefore the market recognises the huge amount of money there is to be made exploiting this situation, with strip clubs and £100 billion porn industry overwhelming aimed at men (though that is dwarfed by the £500 billion cosmetic industry aimed primarily at women - another gargantuan market responding to differences in biological drives).

Pretending that men are just a naughty/bad version of women isn’t going to solve the more serious issues you mentioned (sexual assault, workplace harassment).

Men are free agents and chose to do those things, they're not animals ruled by their sex drives.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:29

AdamRyan · 15/02/2023 10:08

Maladjusted men think everything women do is about sex.
Wearing a vest? Showing off body, must want sex. Smiling at them? Flirting, must want sex. Not smiling at them? Frigid, must need a good shag.

Maladjusted men are the problem

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Yes. There's a horrible sub on Reddit called dykeconversion where men fantasise about raping lesbians straight. Brave campaigners are trying to get it down, but Reddit tolerates any bigotry (apart from anything against transpeople) bc it's a 'kink'.

One post shared by someone trying to take it down, as an example of the content, was a man saying he saw a lesbian couple holding hands and was hoping someone would convert (ie. Rape) them straight. Just seeing a female couple holding hands provoked a violent sexual fantasy. 🤢😡

Obvs those kinds of men are NOT typical thankfully, but platforms like Reddit are a big problem, giving then a free reign...

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:22

RadioactiveWear · 15/02/2023 09:57

I lived overseas in a completely different culture, which has changed my attitude to marriage. I am also married to someone whose mother is from another culture, unrelated to where we lived, and she seems to have a similar mindset.

It is just my observation that Western women seem to go for looks and lust, whereas other cultures put more emphasis on other traits. So, for example, in one place I lived young women openly talked of finding a man who can provide them with the 5 Cs of Cash, Car, Condo, Club and Credit. I used to think this was awful, but they seem to know something we didn't, that most men are ultimately selfish and can't be trusted, so make sure you find one that gives you a return on your investment. I heard it being described as a contact, you give me this, and I'll give you that. This didn't mean that people married men they didn't love, or find attractive, it was just that these practicalities were taken heavily into consideration. You don't see that here.

My MIL has often said that you should marry someone who is rich, it doesn't matter what they look like. I used to be shocked by this, but as I got older I can see that she too thinks men are generally a nasty bunch and if you have to put up with it, you may as well get compensated for it.

Not saying it is a good thing, just a different take on relationships.

Why put up with it? Sounds terrible : seeing marriage as a transaction where you provide sex & the man treats you badly but works v hard to make those 5 Cs.

I'd rather make my own money, not focus on materialism, and marry a man if I find a good & kind one.

What culture is this, BTW? One where women have less power so rely on men for money? Don't have to live that way in UK.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 15:58

5128gap · 17/02/2023 20:54

So, what exactly is your point here? That sexual violence is a crime committed equally by women? What are the stats then, if women are just as bad? How many of these 'rapes' (as you erroneously call them) were committed last year? By how many women?

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Come on, it's horrible for male rape victims to not call it rape. Whg should the definition of rape be phallocentric? It's unbelievably inappropriate. By that standard, a woman who was assaulted non-penetratively by a man or woman wouldn't have been raped either. We should change the definition as other countries have.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 15:22

MissMaple82 · 15/02/2023 11:25

Are you for real 🤣🤣

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She probably means this study.

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3463364

ThatChirpyLeader · 19/12/2024 03:41

Lol. All the butthurts with "women do to" awwwww the projection is sickening. Instead of BLAMING women, not participate in the bad activities. You are why women rather stay alone then to hook up with you. I see how your relationships go, you do what I most men do. Blame that female. If you have to say "women do it too" you need a new view on your life. Plus some therapy. Then make your own post complaining "how terrible women are" but again I've never been raped by a woman. Plus a woman has never befriended me to get into my pants. So no. Not women do it too, if you say this. You def are a terrible dude/woman and need help. Projection is a lack of educated argument and stay away from the women..

RantyAnty · 21/08/2023 17:27

neommear · 21/08/2023 03:46

I always put myself in the cheater role, immoral or not, and it seems to give men in my life too much to focus on to think about cheating on me. I'd rather not have to, but before I started flirting with men blatantly and causing all types of drama for my partner, I was always in the cheated role. For some reason if you keep them busy and vulnerable, they don't cheat. I'd rather a peaceful relationship, but I do like male companionship too much to give up on relationships, and if it's going to be either of us in that worried role, it's going to be him

I can understand this.

If they think you're faithful, at home, doing everything expected, a guy can feel free to go off and do what he wants knowing he can come home to a clean house, hot meals, and regular sex.

I guess I would call it having a sure thing.

Then again, it just solidifys that a lot of men really just see us as an appliance for their needs.

WhatNext96 · 21/08/2023 06:41

@neommear i think what you put is really interesting! Can you expand a bit more about what you do exactly to put yourself in cheater role?

neommear · 21/08/2023 03:46

I always put myself in the cheater role, immoral or not, and it seems to give men in my life too much to focus on to think about cheating on me. I'd rather not have to, but before I started flirting with men blatantly and causing all types of drama for my partner, I was always in the cheated role. For some reason if you keep them busy and vulnerable, they don't cheat. I'd rather a peaceful relationship, but I do like male companionship too much to give up on relationships, and if it's going to be either of us in that worried role, it's going to be him

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 20:01

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 19:30

@Sandra1984 when you consider the amount of legal and other professional advice people get before buying a property, marriage is a much bigger legal contract but people often get none at all, it's utter madness, the government should be spelling out the risks to help people beforehand. A guy could be seduced by a hot woman who starts cheating on him after a few years of marriage and he will end up having to give her half of everything he has worked for his entire life!

well if she has been a home maker for years, had to raise and take care of the kids which stopped her from working of course she deserves half of everything! Marriage is there to protect women and children mostly that's why I think moving in with a guy and breeding out of marriage is nuts, but that's just me.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 19:30

@Sandra1984 when you consider the amount of legal and other professional advice people get before buying a property, marriage is a much bigger legal contract but people often get none at all, it's utter madness, the government should be spelling out the risks to help people beforehand. A guy could be seduced by a hot woman who starts cheating on him after a few years of marriage and he will end up having to give her half of everything he has worked for his entire life!

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 16:57

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 16:37

@Sandra1984 maybe the time has come for us to accept that monogamy is just an unrealistic ideal, especially as we all live so much longer.

agreed, I'm not a fan of monogamy either, but If I was and it's what I wanted for my marriage I would be rightly pissed off to be mislead.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 16:37

@Sandra1984 maybe the time has come for us to accept that monogamy is just an unrealistic ideal, especially as we all live so much longer.

TheScottishPlay · 20/08/2023 13:26

PandasAreUseless · 15/02/2023 08:30

My DH, who I've been with for 18 years, is a seriously good egg. So are many of our male friends. I'd probably be happy enough with most of them actually.

But every woman I know, including me, is pulling the man in their life UP.

My forward planning and diligence is why we own a house and have savings. I'm the reason my husband eats healthily (even if he cooks - its me pushing for healthy choices) and doesn't drink himself to death. I've pushed him to make career choices which have been beneficial for him. And so on.

And yes, women can be dicks too. But the overwhelming majority of the violence, depravity and corruption out there is due to men.

This.
My DH is generally lovely but I definitely invested a bit of time and effort seeing beyond and smoothing the edges of his Loaded mag fuelled 'ladness' (this was the mid '90s) before we got together seriously.
He would have still been doing his student job which he still did for a few years after graduating if I hadn't encouraged and supported him to use his degree.

In turn he has encouraged me in my career, especially through redundancy and retraining.
I definitely have a bit of menopausal reflection about his behaviour then though!

PifandHercule · 20/08/2023 12:50

@Lawandsawdus This!

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 12:49

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

@Sandra1984 women cheat just as much as men!

No way. Women do cheat too that's true. Fact 1) I yet need to hear of men complaining of being too many married women on Tinder who string them along, fact 2) There's a whole sex industry out there full of busy escorts, dominatrixes, happy ending masseuses and cam girls that cater to men (and guess what? Half of their clients are married). Let me not get started with all the threads on MN of married/partnered women in distress because of their cheating guy compared to those of men in the same position. Sticking to monogamy seems to be a male problem mostly.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

@Sandra1984 women cheat just as much as men!

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:58

@Luckydip1 In Italy when you get married you have to decide whether to pool your assets (up to that point) or keep them separate. I think it's a really good idea and if nothing else, it reinforces the idea that you are signing up to a legal contract.

That's a much better approach, we should do that here!

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:22

@Begsthequestion I think when men and women are in love they can get carried away with the romantic notion of marriage without understanding the consequences.

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 12:13

Longagonow96 · 20/08/2023 11:58

Rubbish.

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If you think with your dick that's fine by me, but don't mislead me into thinking we're getting in a monogamous marriage when you perfectly know monogamy doesn't work for you, problem is many men want their cake and eat it too, they want the stable family, the steady sex and emotional support AND some puss-y on the side.

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:58

@Luckydip1 In Italy when you get married you have to decide whether to pool your assets (up to that point) or keep them separate. I think it's a really good idea and if nothing else, it reinforces the idea that you are signing up to a legal contract.

Longagonow96 · 20/08/2023 11:58

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 08:09

Maybe we all need to lower our expectations, men think with their dicks so it's no surprise that they are unfaithful, maybe that's what we need to accept to avoid unnecessary suffering.

Rubbish.

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:56

I've always thought that it is very unfair that women are branded as hormonal and emotional when testosterone seems to be very key in so much bad behaviour.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 11:45

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:37

@Begsthequestion I think both men and women go into marriage intending to be monogamous. Everyone needs to be far better educated of the consequences of signing the contract if they get divorced and look at common scenarios. If your partner cheats on you she or he still gets half of your assets even if they were inherited. Not everyone would consider that an outcome they would want so maybe they would be better off not getting married.

So you're saying, based on previous statements, men are just fooling themselves about wanting to be monogamous, and then unable to control themselves when it comes to sex, so they cheat.

Basically, you think men are fools who don't know themselves and can't control themselves.

A bit like children then, except they should know better.

Sounds like you do think men are awful after all.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:37

@Begsthequestion I think both men and women go into marriage intending to be monogamous. Everyone needs to be far better educated of the consequences of signing the contract if they get divorced and look at common scenarios. If your partner cheats on you she or he still gets half of your assets even if they were inherited. Not everyone would consider that an outcome they would want so maybe they would be better off not getting married.