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Original poster

Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

290 replies

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:16

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

OP posts:
ClearMoth · 13/02/2023 08:08

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:07

@JudgeRudy wow own room straight away. I've not heard of that before. Did you use a monitor? Did you find your baby slept better?

It is strongly advised by the NHS that the baby shares your room for the first six months to reduce the risk of them dying from SIDS

Weallgottachangesometime · 13/02/2023 08:08

I think it’s inevitable the relationship between a mother and infant is different than between a father and infant in the first few days/weeks/months of life. Of course the parent who grew and gave birth to the infant and in the majority of cases is the main care giver is going to have a different relationship than the other parent who didn’t grow/birth the baby.

However I think after the initial couple of months the bond with parents depends entirely on the time dedicated to the relationship. Any parent who spends the majority of the time with the baby is going to have a different relationship than a parent who spends a lot less time caring for the baby, regardless of if they’re mum or dad. A 3 month old baby who has been home with one parent, cared for over night by that parent etc will obviously have a greater bond with that parent, and notice them missing more than they would a parent who is with them only a couple of hours a day or doesn’t provide much time/care for them. obviously ideally both parents would have an equal role and an equal bond with the baby over time, but most people’s circumstances mean that is difficult. When my children were under 2ish they only wanted me if they were Ill or sad and showed a preference for me over my partner. Not because I was their mum necessarily but because I was with them all the time and so I was the one they were used to. It’s an oddly intense set up, but in reality there was no other way to manage childcare to allow for someone else to have that same level of bond with them.

^all just my opinions of course

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:07

@JudgeRudy wow own room straight away. I've not heard of that before. Did you use a monitor? Did you find your baby slept better?

OP posts:
ClearMoth · 13/02/2023 08:07

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:05

@ClearMoth no, I just don't want to.

Ok. Hard to address that point at it seems like it is related to your concerns that the baby will not bond with you both equally.

You might find that your feelings about a lot of things change when the baby is in your arms.

Quartz2208 · 13/02/2023 08:06

The thing is bonds are both instinctive and created. If both parents are involved bonds are strong

but your oh is leaving the baby with you - Paris is leaving with your mum. Starting getting that bond strong as well - the grandparent bond is important can mean it is fine to leave

but also wait you have no idea how you will feel

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:05

@ClearMoth no, I just don't want to.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 08:05

I don't think mums love or are attached more as such but I do think many (definitely not all) women to young babies would feel uncomfortable leaving them so example a mum to a 3month old might not want to be away from her baby but a dad might not mind. It also depends too on who baby is left with. More childcare is left to women so they're more skilled. Mum knows the routine better. When dad's working away he knows baby is with the best carer possible. When mum is away she might worry dad doesn't know the nap routine or will forget things, use wrong wet wipes. As kids get older it's more annoyance than worry.
The amount you 'worry' is not related to how much you love your child. Your personality will influence as will your trust in the temp carer.
I don't think women have double standards but might try to forewarn you that your hormones might affect how you feel.
I was happy to leave my kids if needed. I didn't even have either of them in my bedroom for one night. Returned from hospital then straight into own room. Im not a worrier in general. I love my children very much

PepsiMaxandPringleStacks · 13/02/2023 08:04

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 06:23

I can’t believe that was the consensus on those threads.

No mums are not closer than dads to their babies unless the mum & dad have made it that way by their actions from birth onwards.

The problem is this societal message of a mystic mother and baby bond and the old patriarchal trope that mum knows baby best. The pressure on mums to be 24/7 with their newborn is immense. And then if you do this, every day you are not handing baby off for equal time with dad is a day you are making this into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Babies bond with whoever cares for them from birth onwards. If you want dad to have the same bond as you, then you have to start with dad being equally hands on from birth. This can be done even if breastfeeding, as the actual time feeding is very small and dads can hold a fed baby to sleep.

It's not a patriarchal trope that mum's know baby best, it's a natural intrinsic biological fact

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:04

@CrackingCrackling oh that sounds great! You are very lucky!

OP posts:
ClearMoth · 13/02/2023 08:02

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:31

I’m not angry in the slightest. After all I’m not the one swearing at posters making wild accusations.

There is no mystic mother baby bond. All bonds are created after birth…so yes they exist but only after you make them. Baby isn’t born bonded to you. Many parents with babies that spend months after birth in the NICU know this first hand. They have to go and visit and talk and touch their baby to develop the bond. Adopted babies have no bond with their birth mum, that’s why older adoptees miss the bond…

But old patriarchal beliefs die hard imho. We complain about the gender pay gap and then act like maternity leave of at least a year is inevitable. It’s not. It’s how society has set things up, based on the belief that a woman’s place is at home with the baby.

If you want to be home with baby, that’s ok. But it’s incorrect to tell women that it is biology and instinct and all this stuff that makes women think they are unnatural if that isn’t what they want to do. Then adding in the mum guilt by saying baby biologically is wired to need mum…that’s also not correct….baby doesn’t really care who is the primary caregiver so long as they have one.

I’m not angry, I’m pointing out that what you call biology and instinct and so on is really societal expectations and beliefs that prop up gender roles.

Show quote history

Giving birth to a baby that you've made in your own body and carried inside you for months isn't 'societal expectations' ffs.

It's weird that people are so invested in denying the importance of biology.

And op, from first hand experience, your bond with your baby will be completely different from your husband's, for the first few months at least. Regardless of how you feed the baby

Are you not breastfeeding because you don't want him to feel 'secondary'?

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:02

@gemloving omg that is hilarious 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 08:00

@Isthisexpected I don't want to breastfeed. Please don't try to make me feel bad about it.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 13/02/2023 08:00

Small babies usually develop a stronger attachment to one primary caregiver. It's biological. Usually that is the mother.

CrackingCrackling · 13/02/2023 07:59

I left formula fed baby with MIL for 2 nights at 8 weeks and he was absolutely fine! He settled for whoever held and rocked him. He's gone to MIL for 1 to 2 nights every 6 weeks since 6 months and absolutely loves it there as he gets spoilt rotten with 24/7 attention.

I honestly never noticed a difference in baby when being held by my husband or I. Genuinely.

By 8 months, my husband was the one who couldn't leave the room without the baby crying 😄 despite me being the main carer all day.

I honestly think it depends on the baby and dynamics of who and how they're cared for. Even now, my 10 month old enjoys the whole wider family when they are caring for him, the only time he shows a preference is when he's unwell or over tired.

RosaBonheur · 13/02/2023 07:59

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/02/2023 07:48

It had nothing to do with any patriarchal stuff, but I would have found it very hard to leave either of mine for any length of time. 2 hours shopping was about the limit, certainly when they were still BF. It was a very visceral thing, but I know not everybody feels the same.

I was once astonished when a friend (non Brit) told me she’d left her 4 week old first baby with her parents, to go on holiday with her dh for a month. No way could I ever have done that, but she evidently thought it nothing unusual.

Somebody mentioned on the hen do thread that a lot of it is cultural and I think that's definitely true, although going away for a month sounds extreme by any standards.

A lot of French women wouldn't bat an eyelid at leaving their formula fed baby to go away for an evening or a weekend.

When we got married, two of the couples we invited had just had a baby a few weeks previously. One of the couples lived in the UK (we live in France) and there was a massive rush for them to get their baby a passport so they could come to the wedding, and obviously he was there with them throughout.

I say obviously... the other couple, whose baby was about two weeks old, chose to get a babysitter and came to our wedding without their children. And they were on the dancefloor until 3am. Whatever works for you is fine. Their children are clearly not traumatised by their approach to parenting.

VioletaDelValle · 13/02/2023 07:58

No mums are not closer than dads to their babies unless the mum & dad have made it that way by their actions from birth onwards.

This. Plus society piles on the mum guilt. Just tune that out.

StampOnTheGround · 13/02/2023 07:57

I think it's ridiculous the backlash on here when a mum god forbid wants to leave their baby for something - you still need to do things for you to. Go away for his 40th (if you feel up to it!). Some don't want to leave their baby, others are okay to leave - it doesn't mean the mum who stays is more attached than the one that goes on a hen do/away without the baby.

With dads, I don't think they are attached less but it is also seen as okay if they leave for a stag do or work or anything, nobody bats an eyelid.

gemloving · 13/02/2023 07:57

The love is incomprehensible before the baby is born. If you don't have children, it is impossible to understand this unconditional love you will feel. Men are wired differently but do let me know if you'd like to go for an overnight work trip 2 weeks after you've given birth but everyone is different. You're still bleeding, and I don't know, your body is still recovering. It always took me 6 weeks to feel normal again but again, everyone is different.

My first trip away was when my DS1 was 3 months for my friend's hen do, I was MOH. I did. breastfeed and pumped whilst there. It was ok and I had fun. Everyone tried breast milk whilst drunk which was hilarious at the times.

I wouldn't have put the strain on my parents having to wake loads in the night for my benefit, that's personal though. You might have a very calm child, but you could also have a very unsettled child. Only you know, if you're ready.

Isthisexpected · 13/02/2023 07:56

I think if you re-read those threads you'll see a lot of the replies were about what's best for BABY Which is being as close as possible to the primary caregiver during the fourth trimester. It's the mother's heartbeat, touch and smell baby craves, no one else's. It's also much better for baby if you TRY to breastfeed.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 13/02/2023 07:56

But... when my baby cried my breasts leaked with milk. If was away from her (even just having a bath) I ached for her to be next to me. I could hear her before my husband through the night.
I cant describe the maternal instincts I have. They are just there, she came from me and I carried her for 9 months. She is part of me

bakewellbride · 13/02/2023 07:56

It's not about how the adults feel but about how the baby feels imo. With mine I couldn't have left them when they were very young. Sure dh loves them just as much as me but they grew in my womb hearing my voice 24/7 etc and therefore crave that closeness to me and no-one else. Everyone thinks differently but that's my opinion.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/02/2023 07:54

evolutionary and biologically very different roles, with the mothers role more on the providing warmth and milk, and the fathers role providing resources and protection, for the first few weeks at least. So the natural inclination is for the female to stay closer and the male range further, in the nurture of a newborn

Obviously, we all vary to the extent that we biologically fulfill each role, but really, its just wait and see, there is no right or wrong.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 13/02/2023 07:53

My husband was devastated going back to work after 2 weeks off but had saved annual leave so he could do reduced hours for a while. He was ringing all the time and wanting pictures and couldn't wait to get home each night and got up earlier for work so he could spend time before he went to work.
Our daughter stayed at my mams when she was 6 months when we went away for my birthday for 1 night she was 15 mins away and as soon as we checked out we went to get her. The next time she was nearly 1 and a half. That was what we felt comfortable with.

The thing is work isn't an option, you need money to live. Going away is a choice.
It's not about who is attached more. My husband has a lovely bond with our daughter and doesn't like being away from her

HRTQueen · 13/02/2023 07:53

No it isn’t

our bodies are designed to protect and feed our babies a man won’t feel the rush of milk when his baby is hungry he won’t wake from sleep a few seconds before his baby knowing his baby is about to wake needing something he won’t feel physical aches and pains a mother often does

many mothers as children get older will feel their child needs them even if not physically in the same place

a man can be a father a not know in cases of babies being swapped at birth the mothers have nearly all said they felt this wasn’t their baby

its nature we are biological these bonds can be built but for a mother they are there (mostly) that is not the patriarch informing us it’s our own bodies with father it’s learnt

I find this dismal of how vital our role is as undermining to women as any sexist nonsense of women shouldn’t work or have a career

Twizbe · 13/02/2023 07:53

A 1 day old baby is different to a 1 week old, to a 1 month old to a 1 year old and so on.

At birth babies are driven by nothing but instinct with very limited eye sight. Instinct drives them to crawl to their mother's breast. (Look up breastcrawl it's amazing to watch)

As the days and weeks go by other influences take over and instinct changes.

It's the same for you. Instinct runs strong at first but as adults we can ignore it a bit. We might not want to though.

Dad doesn't have the same instincts as baby. He hasn't been through the same process as mum.

He can love and care for his child though. Right now 6 year old DS is snuggling with dad not me.