Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

@Animallover87 no, monitors weren't usual then. I had a small basket which I put straight into the cot. I figured the transition from basket to cot would be easier if the scenery remained the same. I breast fed my first. Sometimes I'd feed from my bed but usually ld go to her room. By 6 weeks there were no night feeds after midnight.
I wasn't concerned. My SIL though would constantly check her own baby was warm/cold enough, hadn't been sick, was still breathing etc...she constantly worried.
She had miscarriages and a stillborn tho, I had straight forward simple pregnancies breastfeeding etc. Maybe that influenced.
I never had the kids in my bed as children either.

You haven't even got to the middle of your pregnancy yet!

Yes, the baby will be born needing you, not DH, baby knows your voice, footsteps when born, then will know your milk smell. Basic survival stuff. Your DH and baby need to get to know each other, then bond.

It's men who came up with the idea that our 'minds' are entirely separate from our bodies. And it's nonsense.

No, actually that was second wave feminism that showed scientifically there is no such thing as a female brain vs a male brain. It’s not nonsense by the way, it was necessary to prove women could do the highest status, most demanding traditionally male roles.

@MeanCanadianLady I agree with the importance of recognising that there is a basic biological difference between a mother and father in those early days. Not just for the parent but for the baby.

I think bf often causes a closer bond between mother and baby. Mum becomes primary source of comfort and sustenance. There’s a marked preference for Mum for a few months at 8-16 weeks. Possibly not everywhere and for all families but often the father heads back to work after a week or two and the mother is the primary care giver. You aren’t going to develop the same bond in an hour or so in the evening. It evens out over time generally speaking.

And then of course the baby becomes more attached to the primary caregiver in the early months so there is more guilt etc

I think some of it is just habit. If you spend 24 7 with someone because you're on mat leave, then it's going to be a bigger deal to leave them than if you already leave them 9-5 plus commute

If you’re in UK you can do share leave somehow I think.

I wonder if countries with better paternity leave have more engaged fathers. It’s sad that most men only have 2 weeks. I think equalising paternity pay would be a big shift in normalising fathers caring for their babies.

So pregnancy and giving birth just happens in a sort of separate module, in your view, that has zero interaction with the rest of the person?

Humans aren't modular robots. We are animals. Specifically, apes.

It's men who came up with the idea that our 'minds' are entirely separate from our bodies. And it's nonsense.

I think it’s a form of faux feminism when we act like our own biology is somehow oppressing us.

My child is my child. They were very much born with their own individual personality. My motherhood experience was very biological and instinctual.

I don’t think that is wrong or anti feminist to say.

My husband was extremely involved in the first few weeks even to his own detriment because I was too sick to get out of bed. (And no that is not an invite for anyone who is not my doctor to sit and diagnose me or recommend treatment plans.)

Yes I breastfed my child but that was the end of it. For the first solid two months my husband was rocking, singing, changing diapers and putting her to sleep. But she cried and cried until she was touching me again.

Who knows maybe my baby was just born as an evil sexist bastard child. 😂

I felt extreme guilt for not being able to do much to care for her. We had no supportive family so no one to help which is why I get so emotional when it is obviously and strongly suggested that my husband was somehow not sufficiently involved with her care. 🤨

She just preferred me and that’s the end of it. She knew the difference between us both as soon as she came out. It actually hurt my husband’s feelings a little bit but he still loved her like crazy.

It’s just an inconvenient truth I guess. Trying to fight nature and treating it like it’s the enemy does women no favours. Sorry!

I definitely didn't want to leave my babies when they were tiny. It wasn't a "I shouldn't" feeling; it was instinctive I think. I don't think DH had a lesser bond but his bond was different in the early days, because he hadn't carried and birthed the baby and wasn't pumped full of those postnatal hormones!
I also felt societal expectations were quite different to what's been described on here. I felt huge pressure (with my first) to "snap back" - snap back into shape, get back in the gym, get back on date nights with DH, get back my social life, get back out living life as though I hadn't just been through a life-changing experience and was adjusting to this tiny new human I had to look after! I felt pressured to leave DS1 when I wasn't ready, and that I was being silly or over the top by wanting him close. Everything felt designed to separate us - give bottles even if you bf so other people can feed! Get him in a cot or moses basket! Put him down so he doesn't get used to being held! Leave him with a babysitter so he gets used to being left! Get back to work and get him in nursery! As soon as he's 6mo get him in his own room! I felt really hurried through those first few months.
With my second and third I definitely took things more at my own pace and I'm glad I did, but I still feel like people's expectations are that I should be getting on with things as though I don't have young DC. Even recently someone was shocked that on my half days, I collect DC early from nursery so we have the afternoon off together. This friend seemed to think I should take that as "me" time or get stuff done around the house. I don't want to! I want to be with my kids! Anyway, that's just my experience and everyone will perceive things differently.

I think you're making a valid point, OP. Look at the number of single mums out there, compared to single dads. Mums are generally the primary caregiver.

You don't think that men and women are 'wired differently'? Do you think that men can get pregnant?

When people talk about men and women being wired differently they generally aren't talking about physical biology.
Of course there are physical differences and only women can get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed.... but beyond that? No, men and women are equally capable of bonding and caring for a child.

It would be very odd if they weren’t, given that they gestate and give birth to them and are designed by nature to be their primary source of nutrition for some time.
My own granddaughters have become very close to their father as a result of him always being as involved in their care from birth as possible. Child/parent relationships with both parents evolve over time.

So in your view, the minute a woman has given birth, she's indistinguishable from any other human being, both from the baby's perspective and from her own?

Mums have a closer bond usually . Maybe see how you feel nearer the time .you could always have dinner out nearby for an hour or two .maybe go to Paris at a later date .

Sorry, not it’s not a natural, intrinsic, biological fact. If a mum knows her baby best, it will be because she has logged the most hours caring for the baby. You are ascribing what is a labour of love to biology, thereby minimising and dismissing what is traditionally considered to be women’s work.

You do what feels right for you OP when the time comes. I wouldn't have wanted/been able to go away as I was EBF, sleep-deprived and mentally and emotionally motherhood hit my like a freight train! And I say that as someone who is also very logical in her decision-making and holds down a demanding job!

Not really answering your actual question, but it's worth bearing in mind that one of the reasons we have maternity leave is to enable mothers to physically recover from pregnancy and labour, plus there are the mental health risks of PND. It's not 'just' about bonding with the baby, or assuming mums love their babies more/are more suited to looking after their babies than dads. Yes it's crap that dads only get 2 weeks paternity leave (should be more), but I think we're doing mothers a disservice if we don't recognise the very specific needs post-partum that maternity leave is there to address, that simply aren't interchangeable with the needs of dad's.

OP ignore the people trying to make you feel bad about not breastfeeding. It's none of their business.

You don't think that men and women are 'wired differently'? Do you think that men can get pregnant?

Men are wired differently

This is just not true and just perpetuates gender stereotypes.

but do let me know if you'd like to go for an overnight work trip 2 weeks after you've given birth but everyone is different. You're still bleeding, and I don't know, your body is still recovering. It always took me 6 weeks to feel normal again but again, everyone is different.

This is a different issue entirely and is nothing to do with bonding with your baby. It's about recovering physically from pregnancy and childbirth and absolutely needs to be factored in to any decisions.