Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

I think the bonding/control freak stuff is neither here nor there. If someone can’t tell the difference between one parent going on an obligatory work trip, leaving the other parent behind with the baby, and whether or not you choose to both go for an optional leisure break, then it’s a pointless discussion. The decisions people make about the former will be very different from those about the latter, on an individual basis (I have no opinion on whether mothers or fathers leave the baby overnight with anyone else, I just don’t care, I did what was right for my babies and have no opinion on others). The mother/father being more or less bonded is a red herring, and feels like an attempt at division whether intended or not.

Everyone is different, just don't let people question what you and your partner feel is right for your baby unless you are endangering them. Breastfeeding is great if it works out but if it isn't what you want or you struggle with it then that's great too. Aren't we lucky that we have clean water, excellent feeding equipment and baby milk that is safe and nutritious. Looking at my GC now I can't even remember which ones were breast and which were bottle or how long breastfeeding went on. The thing babies need most is love and that should be available to them all, breast fed, bottle fed, left with someone trusted overnight or in a carrier with mum 24/7.

I have six GC, one has never had a sleep over, one had their first sleepover at 6 weeks, the others all fall somewhere in between. I put no pressure on, it was up to the parents, some felt they needed or wanted an overnight break and I was happy to help, some didn't feel ready or didn't feel the need and I was happy for them. They wouldn't give you any clue if they'd been left for the first time at 5 weeks or 5 months or 5 years.

Try not to worry about it now, when the time comes you will know what's right for you.

Yes, exactly right. My DH was SAHD to 4 DC from 6 weeks on. And from birth to prior to that we split the baby/child care as evenly as possible although he did a bit more as I was recovering from childbirth. Never had to show him anything, and he was an adopted only child raised by his grandmother with zero baby experience and I’d had tons of baby experience. I would give him verbal tips and suggestions based on my experience with siblings and babysitting, but he worked out what our DCs individually liked and responded to all on his own.

He even developed a “baby boot camp” method of strengthening play exercises to gradually hit milestones of lift themselves, roll over, sit up, crawl…etc. Mums call it belly time, he called it baby boot camp. It was adorable. They would kick their legs, smile and get all excited when he would do his version of belly time play.

Men should be encouraged to break free from the lifetime of social conditioning.

I'm gonna say generally yes tbh.

I was brought up with a really involved dad too, so my frame of reference was that dads can do anything mums can do (beyond breastfeeding) so I guess I never even thought to make a list?
My dad - who is in his 60s - babysat my kids alone if my mum was at work, from really early on. And I never left him a list either 😂

I really hope the stigma is changing. Mine is 13 now.

Sorry- hope I am not derailing the thread either!

One of the joys of MN though is (despite the sometimes 'robust' discussion) is that you get so many views. That is one reason why I always chime in to say 'I found this hard or that hard' because IRL (in my experience) people are sometimes less willing to admit they struggle. At least in the baby and toddler groups I went to. Literally everyone seemed to consider parenthood a breeze and I was on the floor.

I formula fed both of mine and never had anything but support. The only annoying thing is they put me in a room with breastfeeding mothers with my eldest and they had a lactation consultant in the room all frigging night helping them breastfeed - mybaby was asleep and I could t sleep because they had the lights on and were chatting. It’s a great service that they have, but would probably be more useful if they put the breastfeeding mothers together so that bottle feeding mothers could sleep and therefore more breastfeeding mothers could get help!

You have put it well. Four children, never left a list for DH as I rightly assumed he knew how to care for his own child.

Fair enough.

I struggled breastfeeding and only tried because of external pressure. It did not work for me, (I once pumped non-stop for the duration of the Titanic movie I was watching and got less than 50 mls out). and I think contributed to my feelings fo distress. I used to start sobbing when DS woke up from a nap as I knew I 'had' to try again. I honestly wish I had never bothered and just went ff from the start.

The pressure at the time was amazing. My HV kept writing in her notes 'exclusively breastfed' when i kept telling her I was nowehere close and was formula feeding. I still am perplexed by that.

Denying that men are as caring, loving and committed as women is maybe for your wellbeing, I'm thinking of the baby and how important the love of two parents is. We should be promoting the bond between babies and both parents if the baby is fortunate enough to have two parents there for them.

My babies responded to and bonded with their fathers as much as with me but then I wasn't one of those mothers who felt the need to insist otherwise.

I was like you. Didn't see problem and found it so unfair when women were berated for wanting to leave their babies for a night out or whatever when men can swan off whenever .

Then I frikking cried on the way to tesco because we left DD home with my mum. Stupid hormones.

what I meant is that men have historically been brought up seeing that there is no need for them to be involved parents, so they don’t do their “fair share” in the early days, which leads mothers to feel like they can’t trust their partners to do parenting. When in actual fact, if mothers just left baby with dad without extensive lists on how to do every single little task, they’d manage. It’s all to do with ingrained attitudes of “women know best” and “men don’t know how to do …” that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Control freak was maybe the wrong choice of phrase - I tried to correct myself with the last sentence but I’m typing one handed because I’m holding baby.

“The reason “baby needs mum” is because either the mum is a control freak who doesn’t let anyone - including her husband - near her baby, or because dad is lazy and doesn’t help. Speaking about wider society, not specifics.”

saying “wider society, not specifics” doesn’t let you off the hook - you are literally talking specifics there

My partner was a SAHD when my eldest was a baby - we were both off for my whole maternity leave and he quit his job soon after I went back.

My daughter was equally bonded to both of us from day1. We both got up for every night feed. There was absolutely no “primary parent” - we both did equally for the first months, then when I went to work he spent the day with her and I spent evenings with her because I had missed her.

Now we both work part time and have two kids, and again, we both parent completely equally.

The reason “baby needs mum” is because either the mum is a control freak who doesn’t let anyone - including her husband - near her baby, or because dad is lazy and doesn’t help. Speaking about wider society, not specifics.

Interesting debate OP. My view is that everyone (mums, dads, babies) are all different which is why there is such a mixed bag of responses here. For me, I had a elective c-section, formula fed (purely because I didn’t want to breastfeed) and did lots of things that others on this thread would find incredibly difficult, such as leaving my DS overnight with grandparents occasionally from a few weeks old and going on our honeymoon for a week leaving DS behind at 9 months. I also only managed a couple of weeks with him in our room as it was like owning a tiny velociraptor (no crying just a very noisy sleeper 😅) and so guiltily put him in his own room against recommendations for my own sanity.

When I was pregnant I didn’t really feel any bond with him at all and I found it very hard to relate to some of my friends who seemed to have the complete opposite experience during their pregnancies. Again, this continued when he was born and I certainly didn’t feel that immediate rush of love I hear other mums talk about. My DS also didn’t seem to desire me over his dad or anyone else that wanted to cuddle him. He was a very chilled baby and it’s hard to articulate my feelings when he was a newborn because I know I did love him, as did my DH but it’s nothing compared to how I feel about him now at 18 months old (complete adoration and would go to the ends of the earth for him).

As for his bond with my DH, it’s incredibly annoying as I stay at home with my DS and yet this weekend he was a little poorly and all he wanted was to cuddle with DH. They have an amazing bond but I’m pretty sure my DH would say he felt similar to me when he was first born. It takes a while for everyone to get to know each other at the start but I wouldn’t say that every mum and baby have this primal, biological bond right from the off (only based on my own experience of course).

I forgot to add I think when our son was baby he was close to us equally just in different ways

My husband was better at bedtime routine and settling him I did other things like food, we both changed him

We left our child with my ils for a few days when he was little and more as he grew

We missed him like crazy but went way for a break, ILs were perfectly capable of looking after him

He goes to my parents now as we moved far away from the ils (no offence to them it is just what it is now)

My first baby was on NICU for 8 weeks. I didn't,'t have to work at the bond at all. It was a really visceral feeling. Dp was happy to go for lunch etc, I had to be prised away, every minute I was not with him I experienced like physical pain. I would only go to the parents room for a quick sandwich. I cried for my baby every night. He would turn toward me as I entered the ward every day. Not dp. They have a very close bond,but it was worked on. Ours was primal.

I have 3 DCs who are now teens. My DH is a very engaged and involved father. But he wasn't terribly interested when they were tiny babies. I think he had absolutely no idea what to do with them. He used to say he felt more comfortable with them when they became more interactive, so at a few months.

This.

We are mammals, whatever some humans may wish to deny it. I breastfed my dd and I couldn’t, neither did I want to be away from her for any length of time. She had a preference for me, which is entirely natural as I was her primary source of comfort and sustenance.

She of course bonded with her dad and the fourth trimester is a thing and dads can be there for their dcs as well. It’s entirely normal and natural for the baby to spend the most time with the parent, who gave birth as they as generally, but not always, are the one, who cares most for them in the early months. This then naturally forms a primary bond but in the event of the mum not being available, the baby will form it with whomsoever cares for them most. If I compare it to my dogs, I spend the most time with my dogs and feed them. They also tend to prefer me even though they love my dh and dd very much. If it were my dh or dd, they’d prefer them.

Your dh just needs to spend lots of time with your baby too and the attachment will naturally form. Babies become toddlers then teens. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon and there will be times along the way, where a preference is shown for one or other of the parents. Just because a baby shows the preference for their primary caregiver in the early months, it doesn’t mean this is fixed for life.

No, I don't think mums are more attached to their babies than dads naturally.

But it can become that way due to the pressures placed on the family. If you have to go back to work two weeks after your baby is born and are away from them five days of the week or longer than it is going to feel like you're less close to them compared to the parent who gets to be home with them all day every day.

Everyone is different. I had friends who didn't feel able to even pop to the shops without baby for literal months. I felt fine doing that within the first week, cos I trusted my husband and knew they'd be fine.

In general, women who have just given birth, or have recently done so, find it harder to leave their newborn than new dads do. You’ve just got over the birth, and you’ve been joined together for 9 months. It’s just harder.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaving baby with their dad to do whatever you need to do, but I think posters are just warning that you’ll find it hard.