Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

Not every mother goes into labour.

Not every mother breastfeeds.

@MeanCanadianLady

Seems like it's you making it a competition

Different isn't better and as you say, everyone is different

Not every mother bf. Does that mean they have a lesser bond than mums who do?

Mums are different to dads but both can bond equally.

Thats a good thing

Exactly it shouldn’t be a competition but others are making it out to be. Of course men produce oxytocin. Everyone does. It’s natural. We all produce a small amount of it when we hug, kiss, cuddle. That’s normal.

But it’s also different for mothers because our brains are quite literally FLOODED with it first when the birth happens because we literally do not go into labor without it. And then again during breastfeeding. The baby’s brain is also flooded with this hormone during the birth and breastfeeding. So is it so wild to conclude that initially we get a bonding boost?

Did you know that mothers experience huge amounts of brain development that is only second to puberty during postpartum? Why is it bad to acknowledge that it’s just different? It’s not as if dads won’t get their turn later! But somehow it’s misandrist that biology just bonds us differently with our babies in the early days? Why is that so wrong? Please tell me?

And I think every pregnancy birth and postpartum is different. I am not denying that. My sister for example had a huge nesting instinct to the point that she legally cried when someone out a dish in the sink. She actually needed medication for it it was so bad. I didn’t get the nesting instinct at all.

Just because I didn’t experience nesting doesn’t mean my sisters experience was not real. So I’m thinking perhaps some mothers are simply less affected by this bonding instinct but because they didn’t notice it as much they are trying to paint the mothers that did notice and experience it to a greater extent as just awful controlling man hating mothers.

I would have happily left DD at 2 days old, DH was attached to her 24/7 and took 6 weeks off work (no paternity leave where we are this was all holiday leave). I wouldn’t assume anything about how anyone would feel.

People are ridiculous! I went back to work when my youngest was 10 weeks. Myself and DH both work 4 days (me 30 hpw and him 40). We both have three days pw solo parenting and both four days at work. Pretty much equally split. I don’t think I’m more attached to our children than he is at all.

@MeanCanadianLady

Dad's produce oxytocin too. The more direct care they do of their own infant, the more they produce

It doesn't have to be an competition.
It is possible to share care and for both parents to be equally bonded

Surely that's the ideal?

Of course they are, it’s evolution, the baby relies on its mother completely when that young. It’s just nature/survival.

Yes breastfeeding is just so misandrist isn’t it? Just awful! Perhaps we should all get mass mastectomies to even the playing field so men feel better about it? Those pesky oxytocin hormones forcing mothers and baby’s to bond in the early days are just being in the way of men!

I would wait to see how you feel. I left DS2 for 4 days to go to HK when he was about 7 months old but I doubt i'd have left DS1 at that age to go half way across the world. Your question about mums having more love/bond with their children, I'm not sure that's how i'd word it but for most mums, having a child is different to most dads feelings. I wouldn't say they love them less or have less of a bond, but there is a difference, IMO.

Not IME

I never had that can't bear to leave them thing. Despite bf.

We both cared for them alone from birth. Neither was more bonded than the other

I think some women set themselves up as default parent so they can feel needed. They then judge other women who feel differently and tell them there must be something wrong with them. Maybe it's an insecurity thing.

There is evidence that shows that a mum who chooses to spend a few days away from their baby, knowing that they are with the other parent, is negatively impacted?

There is evidence that shows a child who has secure attachments to both parents is negatively impacted because their primary caregiver so happens to not be their mother?

How does this work for adoptive families who adopted at birth?

Wanted to add, yes my husband works full time and I am unable to work and that has made absolutely no difference

No, it’s because they don’t try. They don’t actively engage themselves in nappy changes, bathtimes, bottle feeding if applicable, playtime, general caring.

Mums don’t automatically know how to be a mother. They learn it through trial and error and dads have to as well. Many just don’t bother.

I would say no I am not bonded more than my husband. I also would go away and leave my child with grandparents or my husband. I would say though untill u have ur child will have no idea how u will feel. Its a real individual choice and I think it should be . The never leave their children are no more right than the leave their child.

@CherLloydbyCherLloyd It is detrimental for mum and baby to be apart, yes. Decades of research has shown this.

wait till the baby is here!

women carry the baby and bond for 9 months and are closer - its a fact

Gosh, that's so sad. Poor men. They really get the worst of pregnancy and childbirth. [crying]

I never needed any nappy type thing for either of mine - I did wear Tena pants in hospital with my second and I’d recommend them as you can just rip them off to pee - but I wore seamless primark high waisted pants from the day I went home. A standard maternity pad was fine inside. I you can wear normal pants with Spanx on top!

Your last two words maybe explain why so many fathers feel unneeded and unwanted in their baby's life. They are pushed away by the woman and then criticised for not being able to look after the baby when the woman wants him to.

Thanks @CherLloydbyCherLloyd - I did have a vision that I could still be in a nappy type thing trying to hold everything together - so Spanx sound like an improvement on that!

Good luck! I’d advise getting some Spanx or similar for under whatever you are wearing to wedding - not to make you look slimmer, but the tight fabric over your incision will help support your muscles and help you dance all night if you want!

@Animallover87 I think I'm really similar to you! First baby, also due in august via c-section (maternal choice), I won't be breastfeeding (no excuses, other than I don't want to), I'll be an older mother, and I have a very clear expectation that my partner will be an equal parent. He'll be taking 2 months off with me after birth, I'll go back to work at 6 months and we'll do SPL after that. We're already dreadful parents, we have 2 weddings booked in during those first two months, and plan on leaving the baby with my mum for the day both times (she is on board with this!). We have of course caveated that we may not be able to attend, as who knows how I / the baby will be feeling.
I think that the parents on this thread are falling into 2 camps over your question, and I've an idea which I will be in, but obviously I can't really comment until baby's here. I'm sure we / the babies will be fine whichever way it all works out!

I blame the hormones 😂 Took me 5 months to be able to detach myself from baby for 2 hours to get my hair done.
Some mums deal with this a lot easier. I’m not a very emotional person by any means, but having a baby completely threw me off. It depends, but you won’t know until you’re there.

You should absolutely go! I left my first overnight when she was 6 weeks old then again for 3 nights when she was about 11 weeks old for my sisters hen do. I mean you miss them but you still need sometime as a couple!

Of course the stronger bond is between mother and baby - the baby literally grew inside her body and there are strong biological reasons for this attachment - hormones, instincts and so on. You can’t just decide that the bond between the baby and father is just as strong or important, because it simply isn’t. Socialisation plays a part in how we view modern motherhood, but we are still animals.