Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Not all women bond /it doesn't feel real and love a baby when it's still in the womb. Some don't bond until months later either. Myths and generalisations like these only make them feel worse, wonder what is wrong with them and endanger an already frail bond even further.

Women carry a baby for 9 months, then often go on to breast feeding. I think we definitely feel more attached. How could we not. We feel strong love when they're still inside us, a man wouldn't feel that.

In my experience, yes they are! You don't see men feeling hormonally panicked about leaving a newborn for ten hours to go off to work. Women are far more emotionally and hormonally attached, especially at the start. Bit by bit that bond develops with the babies for men when the babies start to grow up and develop a bit of personality. My husband definitely became more besotted with the kids as time passed.

This.

Ours honestly felt equally close to both DH and I. He would be forever holding a baby, wore a baby carrier everywhere when not at work etc. Honestly, I think some of that was an excuse ‘I can’t, I have the baby on me’, and I’d have to go over take whatever baby/toddler/young child he had so he had no excuse but to get up and do whatever it was. He was happy for them to sleep/sit on him 24/7, whereas with breastfeeding, toddlers, young kids I’d get a bit touched out after a while and would value some time with personal space around me and no kids clinging to me.

@Endlesslaundry123

Yes exactly

And that is true regardless of the sex of the parent

It's caring for the baby that helps create the bond. It's not rocket science that the more you do it, the better you are

@CherLloydbyCherLloyd yes exactly! The brain changes are about the closeness of the caring relationship.

@Botw1 I think that they studied families in which babies did, but from what I understood basically the more time you spend with the baby, the more your brain will change to attune to the baby.

So sad you're sobbing but without him you wouldn't be making a song and dance about pregnancy and childbirth, would you

My cousin and her wife have two children, my cousin took eight weeks leave each time (the birthing parent), her wife definitely had a closer bond with the children as babies as she was the primary carer. Now they’re older the children don’t show a preference, well, unless they want treats as one is a complete pushover.

A completely unfit, neglectful mother, obviously.

Just like myself.

Oh dear I didn't breastfed or go into labour I had pre planned c section due to issues I wonder what that makes me !

@Nuevabegin

Attachment theory doesn't have anything to do with how babies are fed or where they sleep

Op you sound pretty terrified tbh which is normal. There’s just a vibe of this baby isn’t going to affect my life, I’m not going to let it rule my life like all those loser , martyrs mummies out there…
Im 38 and all my dcs are older now but when they were babies I kept them close , breastfed them and slept with them , I didn’t want to be away from them initially as they were inside my body for 9 +months. My dh is hugely hands on, kids are older , we swap over all the time , I go running , lie ins , we go away for weekends , I have time to do hobbies , go out and so does he and we have 3 dcs with zero family help ( we unfortunately can’t go away together as our family never babysits so we have no support network).
We get a babysitter now they are older. I believe very strongly in attachment theory , so the first two years being absolutely crucial to a humans overall development, most of the brain is formed in the early stages, there’s loads of research on this if you want to read up. That doesn’t mean o was some martyr whatsoever, I had plenty of baths , watched movies , went out etc etc but had all my babies close the first couple of years. Breastfeeding was really really important to me and although it’s boarderline being wiped out in the western world (you’re very much in the majority if you formula feed) I really believed in it for its health benefits, bonding and attachment and basically it’s human milk for a human. Obviously it’s fine and pretty much the standard if you don’t want to . My dh had our babies in a sling loads, got up with them , comforted them etc etc but yes I think the relationship with the mother is more important at the very start tbh . Flame away . Look at primates for example and how the look after they’re young. Obviously many people can’t and as long as there’s another very loving primary carer then great but yes I believe that bond between the mother and baby is so important in the early stages but doesn’t mean you give up on your own life (I never did ). I loved the newborn stage , still read plenty , got out loads with baby, still had baths , still had lovely meals out ( way easier with one newborn ) . Definitely tricker with more small dcs all together and sleep deprivation (we were firm , routines etc etc , our dcs were awful sleepers anyway ) but now they are older and my dh and I have lie ins, wonderful times as a family and our dcs entertain each other .
Good luck op !

In the same documentary it also explained that the primary parent doesn’t need to be the one who gave birth.

I can’t find anything to support that, what I did read is that they administer oxytocin because it’s often not released in c section births, and they think this may be the cause of the higher incidence of PND in c-section births.

@MeanCanadianLady

I haven't read the full thread so maybe ive missed something

Setting women up as the primary care giver does tend to lead to all sorts of problems further down the line.

It is possible for both parents to be equally bonded even when accounting for biological differences.

But generally speaking it is a very common experience that is being dismissed as sexist somehow. 🤨

I went away for three nights when my baby was 4 months and had a lovely time. Had to keep pumping as I was breastfeeding but apart from that it was lovely. We both missed the baby but loved the time away. My parents treasure the special time they had with their grandchild while he was so young.

At that age they barely know who is looking after them, so a few nights really makes no difference

@MeanCanadianLady

I’m simply saying it’s not a crime to acknowledge biological differences. You want to disconnect our emotions from our bodies and hormones because it’s not convenient to your narrative.

I haven't said anything like that though

I haven't said it's not a real experience. It is but it's not the only one

@Endlesslaundry123

What if they don't have a primary care giver?

I think you want me to make it a competition. But I’m simply pointing out that’s this is a very real experience. I’m simply saying it’s not a crime to acknowledge biological differences. You want to disconnect our emotions from our bodies and hormones because it’s not convenient to your narrative. But they are very much interconnected.

The pps that in the same breath say it’s sexist to acknowledge those differences because it hurts the fathers chance to bond with baby but then blame them for lazy parenting or say they are doing something wrong when they struggle to bond is very interesting and a little hypocritical.

I remember my husband was caring for our daughter day in and day out but all she wanted was me for the first three months and it hurt his feelings. He was not a lazy parent and he was doing everything he could to try to form that connection. I remember him sitting down and confessing his feelings where hurt that she would only stop crying when I held her. He said “I feel like I could get hit by a truck tomorrow and she wouldn’t be affected by it.”

And we are in canada so we both had parental leave. So no sexist government policies getting in the way here!

So yes I find it offensive that men are being blamed for struggling to connect because I watched it first hand. A man who is not lazy who did the whole shirtless skin to skin contact literally every single day. She didn’t hit her “daddy phase” until five months though. That’s when she noticed he existed and she bonded with him finally.

In the documentary "babies" it explains that the baby's primary caregiver's brain changes significantly when baby arrives, and any secondary caregivers' brains change by about 1/3 as much. It's biological..... We get really attached to our babies!

Yes if you breastfeed

Even mothers who get c sections have the chemical oxytocin boost. It’s initiated when the placenta comes off of the uterine wall. So even if this is done manually she experiences it.