Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

Hormones and breastfeeding do lead to a close bond for mum; not sure why you've decided against breastfeeding without trying it as it's much easier for many than bottles, but it does make for a close relationship. You might be missing though that lots of dads find it hard to leave the babies for days too, in fact often where I've worked the new dads don't travel for months either. The baby will probably feel close to both of you; many babies are very clingy, that's how they're made. I remember DS bawling his eyes out when I took him away for one night. Stopped with Daddy on video call, started again when we turned it off. We didn't try that again until he was much older. The closeness means that a few hours apart is delightful, whether for work or for fun. That amount of time extends as they get older.

Some people are fine with leaving their child even when they are tiny, and aren't too fussed if the baby cries about it on whoever they are left with; they will tell you that all babies cry. Some people have relatives in the house every day so the baby knows them incredibly well; that's a different lifestyle than others have and undoubtedly makes leaving the baby easier. Some babies are much clingier to mum or to mum and dad than others, and all of them are more clingy at development stages so they'll be easy about being with others one week and fully attached to mum the next.

I don’t even care if my comment gets deleted or I get banned. @Onnabugeisha totally crossed the line and I have ZERO regrets.

I have a four week old and an almost two year old.

My personal experience is that when very tiny, they have both had a clear preference for me. DD will quite often cry for ages with her dad and then stop crying as soon as I take over. I don't know whether it's because I'm the one with the boobs, or whether it's for another reason like her being more familiar with my smell, or me being more confident handling her. At the moment, even if she was formula fed, I think she would be OK if her dad went away for a few days, but she would really struggle if I did.

I know it doesn't last forever and she will develop a relationship with her dad, as DS did. And I have been away overnight quite a few times since he was born, starting with one night when he was 7 months old, then two week-long work trips when he was 11 and 13 months old, and then finally two weekends away with my friends when he was 15 and 18 months old. But it definitely wouldn't have been great in the early days.

Formula feeding does of course make a difference, and all families are different. But if you wanted to leave your formula fed baby with another relative so you and your husband could go away together (as opposed to leaving the baby with your husband so you could go away alone), you'd need to make sure your baby was really familiar with that person. The first time we both went away and left DS overnight was when he was 21 months old and DD was born (so it was unavoidable). Luckily his grandparents were able to look after him, and he sees them all the time.

With newborns the difference is biology. They and their mums are programmed to want to be physically close to each other. We are a type of mammal called carry mammals. Are babies feel safe when close to mum.

As they get older, they can see better. They have lived experience on top of instinct. They have learnt that dad is a safe place too.

My children are now 6 and 4 and are equally attached and happy with both of us. Just last night my DD was happily sleeping in her dad's arms.

For babies (which is what those threads were discussing) the difference in bond is pure biology. Not to mention of course that mum has just given birth and could still be healing at 3 months pp.

Your biology is different to your husbands

Birthing is a pretty primal experience. Your body does things you never knew possible.

It is most likely that your body will feel ‘wrong’ being away from your baby in the early days.

Of course you can physically be away from your baby, but for most women it feels awful.

its an inconvenient truth, but we are still animals and if you look around the animal kingdom, mothers don’t leave their very young babies.

It’s very personal and different for everyone. Some parents wouldn’t dream of leaving their kids for a single night until they’re 18, a friend of mine just left her 6 month old with baby’s grandparents and went on holiday with her DH for a week.
Some dads will bond immediately with baby, some find it takes longer as baby is so reliant on mum (perhaps more so if EBF, cluster feeding) and some bond more when baby is a bit older and becomes more interactive.
I think as far as going away is concerned, breastfeeding plus a big part in how you’d feel about it, not in terms of baby’s connection to you, but you also have to worry about if baby will take a bottle, and then the mum has to pump regularly, which takes the fun out of being away. I went away for 2 days/1 night when baby was 5 months and I worried about milk supply dropping and had to pump every few hours. Enjoyed a night away but it was also a bit of a chore still.
So, very different for everyone. My DP was so in love with our DS immediately, but he definitely finds it easier being with him now that he’s 10 months old, plays a lot more, eats meals and isn’t constantly attached to my breast/crying when he’s taken away from a nipple.

For us the bond for the first few months was different. Especially if you breastfeed, I don’t think the 4th trimester is just patriarchy rebranded as a PP said. Mum and baby have biological needs and norms. My DH was very involved from day 1, was delighted to be a father and had a lot of time off work. But to start with that time was spent supporting me and baby.

DH did miss us when he was at work and wouldn’t have chosen to do any over night stays.

For us I think it evened out at around 6 months. I also went back to work around then. I had a night away for a hen do when DS was around 1.

Now DS is about 20mo and we parent very much 50/50. I wouldn’t say that there is a default parent even though I still breastfeed once a day.

I don’t think it’s ‘dads have less of a bond’ it’s dads have a different bond in the beginning. And it sort of makes sense, the woman grows and births the baby and biologically speaking is designed to sustain the baby as its sole food source for a long time. Of course that bond is different.

But it isn’t something to worry about.

My best friend left her 6 month old to go on a pre booked holiday to SA for 2 weeks. He was left with her Mum, and whilst it was hard they had a great time, he knew no different and it think it actually helped with the separation anxiety most mothers seem to get nowadays when leaving their babies overnight. If you feel ready to do it and trust your mum, do it! x

This. My baby was a dream. I was completely shell-shocked, I didn't even want to see anyone for the first 3 weeks

Underestimate biology at your peril.

It is biologically normal for infants to be more attached to their mother, especially if breastfeeding. Pretending that it’s all completely equal and that 9 months of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding can be shrugged off is seriously detrimental to women and babies.

I didn’t call you a liar, I corrected your not supported by science incorrect statement that a baby only knows it’s mum for the first three months of life.

And no every baby isn’t different AT BIRTH. They only become different based on the actions of caregivers.

You say yourself that DH will be back working long hours 2 weeks after the birth. As you're on maternity you will no doubt take on more of the night wakings etc. The chances are the baby will be most comfortable with you.

Wow what a way to twist my words!

In my experience my baby DID only want me and was not interested at all in her father. And I was pregnant during the pandemic so we were together and talking all the time. So perhaps YOUR experience was different. But I calling me a liar is completely unfair. I think I would have better received your comment if perhaps you simply said that every baby is different.

Baby can. Who baby feels closest to or wants is largely nurture not nature.

This feels all back to front to me - surely it's about who baby feels closer to, and the effects on them. That's mam in almost every scenario - even rubbish ones

Women generally are more baby focused in the early days. You’ve carried it around for 9 months so you want them close. It’s nature. One of the reasons some women leak milk when their baby cries. Your body is still in tune with the baby’s needs. Men don’t normally have this connection. It’s basically a small stranger that cries a lot and keeps everyone awake. My dh is a good dad but I didn’t see him really look in love until baby was a few months old. That said all women are different so some definitely will be happy to leave baby for varying amounts of times.

Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it.

Sorry but this is the old patriarchal trope of mothers place is with her baby recycled & rebranded for the modern age as a “fourth trimester”.

It’s not true that mum is all baby knows. Babies have been shown to recognise the voices of all family members FROM BIRTH. The voices they regularly heard in the womb, they know them. Father, siblings, grandparents, the lot.

Baby knows whoever cares for baby from birth. If it’s always mum for the first three months, then that is all they will know but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I left my dd after 4 weeks to go to an important function wasn't far away. We both just ended up sleeping.

husband and baby * goodness autocorrect is really biting me on the butt today!

Thank you, I didn’t think it could be unanimous. Usually there is a variety of opinions.

It’s more about the fact that the baby will not cope well. Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it. So in that sense yes you will feel more guilty about leaving it then your husband will because once it is born you will realize that baby does not care that your husband is its father. Not that the baby will hate him but he’s just not as familiar to the baby as you are. Trust me my husband and father were very deeply bonded at six months and she is a full on daddy’s girl now. But when she was very small all she wanted was me. So I felt this huge responsibility on my shoulders to do everything I could to make her comfortable. It’s just best not to make any big plans because so much changes when they are born and everything is just very different. It can be really overwhelming.