Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

I would say wait and see how you are before you book if you can.
It's hard to predict how you will feel after the birth, how settled you will feel, how everything goes afterwards. It took me a long time to leave my first overnight. My experience is that motherhood profoundly changes some people when others take everything in their stride.
I'm all for life going on but still would advocate that each person should be prepared to find their new role challenging in unexpected ways.
You may get to April and want to go somewhere a bit nearer over night having established some nights away in an earlier pattern.

I think my partner was just as attached as I was. He took 5 weeks off and then avoided any overnight stays for work where possible.

Obviously when they were newborn, they needed/wanted me more but my partner still wanted to be around as much as possible. Even as they got older, we haven’t been away from them very much at all in terms of overnight.

I know some people that left their babies overnight at only a few months old, neither of us could have done that. You just have to wait and see how you feel.

A dad isn’t actually the same physiologically pre and post birth. They have hormone changes as well.

Plus none of this matters to baby. Baby bonds with whoever is caring for him/her. If it’s always mum, then that’s the only bond that will form. If it’s equally both mum and dad, then baby bonds with both equally.

This is all well studied. Going by your observations in a society where it is usually the mum due to gender roles and expectations doesn’t mean it is predetermined by biology or any other reason.

Plenty of couples the mum goes back to work early and the dad stays to be a SAHD.

*bond

You won’t want to leave your baby at all for months. And then you will leave them and they’ll be fine and you’ll be over it.

I left my first baby for the first time at around 6mo to pick up my husband from the airport. It was around 90 miles (180 round trip) and we stopped for lunch on the way back so it was a full day of around 6 hours. As the miles fell away behind me, I kept thinking of how I hadn’t been this far from her since she was conceived. I can still remember now, a single tear rolling down my cheek as I sped along the M6 while I pictured her as a blastocyst. It’s utterly bizarre.

You may not believe this but, I am a very practically minded person. I’m not silly about my kids and I’m not a helicopter parent. Just prepare yourself to be obsessed with your baby.

Your husband will love baby as much as you and is just as capable, of course! But, he probably won’t experience the same churning feeling in his stomach the first time he leaves the baby.

However, like I say, you get over it.

My first baby now only leaves her room for food and 45 minute showers. I almost never think of her fondly as a blastocyst anymore.

I think it’s you Onnabugeisha that needs to step away from the thread

you are the one that seems very angry with the patriarchy and the role it has apparently had with forcing us to believe with have a bind with our babies that isn’t actually there 🙄

Because some people are so hellbent on equality in all things that they have to pretend biology isn't real.

It's also biologically "normal" for this not to be the case too.

The majority yes, but not every Mother feels the same, BF or not.

The only thing I would say OP, if you want your baby to bond equally wih=th your DH is that your DH does as much as equal caring for them as possible. It is harder when they go back to work, but they have to compensate when home. My DH went back to work and I did almost all of the caring because I felt sorry for him having to work after sleepless nights etc. It was in retrospect a mistake as it did have a big impact on bonding. As a pp said, all he saw was a small noisy stranger. That was just my experience- DH is not a natural father I would say although he did come into his own eventually- but if I had that time again knowing what I know now we would have done things differently.

I’m sorry but you are taking general statements regarding nature vs nurture and taking them way too personally. You might want to step away from the thread as it’s obviously upsetting you way more than it should.

A woman’s body and brain undergo physiological changes after having a baby. Hormones are dking all kinds of things. A dad is physiologically the same pre and post baby. Why is that difficult or controversial?

No I think it’s very clear what you were saying. You know exactly what you meant. We both do.

There’s various things at play here, some biological and some societal, which can be hard to separate from each other.

Our babies have been living in us and are born with strong instincts to stay connected to us, they know our smells, voices and body rhythms in a way they don’t know any other caregiver, no matter how involved. We are animals at the end of the and more is inbuilt and instinctual then lots of people seem to want to think about. Baby has a strong need to stay close to us for survival as they cannot look after themselves or protect themselves at all, all they can do is call out for mum to keep them close. Breastfeeding of course will reinforce this as mum is the source of food and most comfort as a result. We know there are literal, observable changes in the brains of women too when we become mum’s, to make us want to respond to and care for our babies.

However active caregiving by others also builds bonds with baby over time. The same research showing changes in mum’s brains shows that over time these can happen with other care givers too, if they put the work in to really bond with and care for baby. But very few dad’s end up doing actually half, even if formula feeding. Especially if they’re going back to work soon after baby is born. Mum is with baby way more and will become the primary caregiver whether you like it or not. Dad can be very active in the time he has but it’s not going to be equal and baby will feel that. Also whilst dad will probably do a lot, you’re most likely to be the one who responds to baby more instinctively as well - your response to your baby crying for example might surprise you, it’s visceral, and I don’t think Dad’s or other carers feel it the same way even if they’re affected and responding.

Baby is also programmed to seek one very secure attachment at first for their safety, only later will they build strong attachments with others as well. We know babies separated from their mums from birth onwards suffer trauma even if actively cared for by others straight away (such as in adoptions) though I appreciate that’s beyond the scope of this thread!

If Dad was the one with them all the time they would attach to them, but there is a difference between being mum and being dad, there just is. Some of it nature, and some of it compounded by societal things like dad going back to work sooner and expectations around mum and dads roles that we are indoctrinated our whole lives and can be hard to undo.

I could write more but I fear this is too long already!

And wait to see how you feel

neither way is wrong but I suspect you won’t want to

many congratulations

I think it’s to do with that you carry the baby so from when you find out you’re pregnant you are always with them and have that knowledge then for reasons to do with maternity leave you are the one who is always with them

I haven’t suggested anything of the sort about your DH. Im sorry you had a difficult birth and have PTSD from it. I have had EMDR for my PTSD and highly recommend it to help you.

You are taking my general statements that are based in science as personal attacks of your choices when they are not personal statements at all.

I’m pointing out that the choices we make from birth determine the bonds the baby forms. It’s nurture and so not predetermined by biology.

I believe it is stronger it’s meant to be

could babies survive without fathers around absolutely could they without their mothers no (even before formula women would help feed other babies)

we mostly feel our babies needs physically men do not not we awake just before our babies start to tell us they are hungry we few milk rush in many of us will feel physical pains or uncomfortable in the same way as our babies

it’s not about the patriarch (not dismissing how it has damaged society) this is about biology

of course some women don’t feel this but love and care for their baby just as much as do fathers. It primal

This. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My baby is 6 weeks old and I would say my husband and I are equally attached to our baby, however, we are in a more unique situation where we are both doing 50% of the feeds, changes etc due to him being self employed and him not having much work at the moment.

We left our baby last week with his mum and baby was absolutely fine and did not miss us at all (don't think she really understands who is who as long as her needs are being met) and although we could feel she was missing when we went away for the night, we were both fine too.

Sorry - symbols should be the ‘do not equal’ sign the slash in the middle has disappeared for some reason

I’d also say leaving baby with your partner is not the same as leaving baby with a 3rd party (no matter how much they love them!) I only took 6 months mat leave second time around and DH did 6 months of shared parental leave. I felt much more comfortable leaving 6 month old DS with his dad than I had leaving 1yo DD with her grandparents when I went back to work first time around. So IMO either of you going back to long work days == leaving baby with grandparents while you two head off together. I’ve had plenty of nights out since DS was born, as has DH, but we’ve very rarely been out together because I don’t think DS will settle for anyone who isn’t us yet.