Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

Animallover87 · 2023-02-13T06:16:00+00:00

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do? The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready. Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job. Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything. But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

Mila676 · 13/05/2024 21:21

Sorry, @Onnabugeisha but you are wrong about babies being born blank sheets and getting their characteristics according to caretakers actions. Even in the womb they are able to display different temperaments. Some are more active, some less, some are very smiley, some prefer being more serious. As you're supposedly so much into science you can research it yourself. Also kind remainder here that science is not all that is there to life. Btw if bond with mother wasn't important for baby's survival maternal instinct wouldn't be real. Having different hormonal make up from men and all years of evolution mothers are natural first choice. Quality time with father is important. Both relationships are important but different. Personally I think we should acknowledge and respect our differences instead of pretending we can swap one for the other.

Original poster

Animallover87 · 02/07/2023 18:01

Just noticed this thread has gained traction again. I'm only a few weeks away from delivery now so it won't be long until I can form my own opinion based on experience... eeeek 🤪

OP posts:

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 17:24

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 06:41

It’s more about the fact that the baby will not cope well. Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it. So in that sense yes you will feel more guilty about leaving it then your husband will because once it is born you will realize that baby does not care that your husband is its father. Not that the baby will hate him but he’s just not as familiar to the baby as you are. Trust me my husband and father were very deeply bonded at six months and she is a full on daddy’s girl now. But when she was very small all she wanted was me. So I felt this huge responsibility on my shoulders to do everything I could to make her comfortable. It’s just best not to make any big plans because so much changes when they are born and everything is just very different. It can be really overwhelming.

This!

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 17:23

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

The question wasn't are babies more attached to mums than dads. That is a different question.

MyTruthIsOut · 02/07/2023 16:49

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

👏👏

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 15:10

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 12:26

It is true...there will be outliers but you can say that of anything. Overwhelmingly women are more attached to their children than men. Its biology.

If I said women are more likely to have long hair than men doesn't mean that some men won't have long hair...you see? My statement is still true.

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Look at the title it asks Are mums more attached to their babies than dads? It doesn't ask if they more likely to be more attached or if most of them are more attached so it isn't the same as your example about hair. Do you see?

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 12:26

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 12:04

So you agree that a blanket statement that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are isn't true?

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It is true...there will be outliers but you can say that of anything. Overwhelmingly women are more attached to their children than men. Its biology.

If I said women are more likely to have long hair than men doesn't mean that some men won't have long hair...you see? My statement is still true.

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 12:04

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 19:40

Theres always outliers to every trend. Of course some women will abandon their children but overwhelmingly men do it more than women.

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So you agree that a blanket statement that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are isn't true?

MyTruthIsOut · 01/07/2023 19:48

It may be an unpopular view but I have always felt that the way a mother feels about her children is different to how the father feels. There’s just a deeper connection, I don’t know. I simply imagine that there’s just something that mothers feel that fathers don’t.

I believed it as soon as my babies were born and even though my children are 5 and 9 now, that sensation is still there.

Im guessing it’s a nurturing thing? We carried them, we birthed them, we nourished them….babies are dependent on us from the start of conception in a way they never need to be with their fathers.

My DH is an amazing father, he does so much with our children, is completely hands on etc (he probably does more with them than I do) but despite that, even he will admit that there is just something stronger and more connected about the relationship I have with them compared to the one that he has with them.

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 19:40

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 18:45

Fewer women abandon their babies but it happens so it isn't universally true that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are.

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Theres always outliers to every trend. Of course some women will abandon their children but overwhelmingly men do it more than women.

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 18:45

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:33

Agree. You only have to look at how many men abandon their kids versus the number of women who do

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Fewer women abandon their babies but it happens so it isn't universally true that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are.

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:33

BeverlyHa · 01/07/2023 18:31

as a matter of natural fact, the mother carried the baby for 9 months, gives birth which is a life and death matter in itself and all the rest.....in many cases yes, the relationship is different , and looking at how many men here just abandon their wives with newborn kids for another woman without even a single act of thought or shame, my answer would be , yes, women love their kids in definitely stronger way, though I am not a sexist against men and dads. My kids have a dad whose soul is as caring and gentle as mine is

Agree. You only have to look at how many men abandon their kids versus the number of women who do

BeverlyHa · 01/07/2023 18:31

as a matter of natural fact, the mother carried the baby for 9 months, gives birth which is a life and death matter in itself and all the rest.....in many cases yes, the relationship is different , and looking at how many men here just abandon their wives with newborn kids for another woman without even a single act of thought or shame, my answer would be , yes, women love their kids in definitely stronger way, though I am not a sexist against men and dads. My kids have a dad whose soul is as caring and gentle as mine is

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:31

Of course mums are more bonded to their babies than dad's are. Its not cool or fashionable to say it but at the end of the day, we are just mammals. Its how it works. Doesn't mean dad's don't love their babies and can't make great parents though.

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 18:28

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 01/07/2023 12:43

@ancientgran oh God the nesting thing was totally uncontrollable for me but only in one pregnancy. I was literally up ladders cleaning my windows and getting rid of cobwebs, my DH was constantly worried I was going to fall

Madness isn't it. My house has never been as clean since. Isn't it funny to only get it in one pregnancy, it was my 2nd and I can truthfully say I had no desire to scrub the house with baby number 1, 3 or 4.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 01/07/2023 12:43

@ancientgran oh God the nesting thing was totally uncontrollable for me but only in one pregnancy. I was literally up ladders cleaning my windows and getting rid of cobwebs, my DH was constantly worried I was going to fall

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 11:44

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 15:40

Exactly it shouldn’t be a competition but others are making it out to be. Of course men produce oxytocin. Everyone does. It’s natural. We all produce a small amount of it when we hug, kiss, cuddle. That’s normal.

But it’s also different for mothers because our brains are quite literally FLOODED with it first when the birth happens because we literally do not go into labor without it. And then again during breastfeeding. The baby’s brain is also flooded with this hormone during the birth and breastfeeding. So is it so wild to conclude that initially we get a bonding boost?

Did you know that mothers experience huge amounts of brain development that is only second to puberty during postpartum? Why is it bad to acknowledge that it’s just different? It’s not as if dads won’t get their turn later! But somehow it’s misandrist that biology just bonds us differently with our babies in the early days? Why is that so wrong? Please tell me?

And I think every pregnancy birth and postpartum is different. I am not denying that. My sister for example had a huge nesting instinct to the point that she legally cried when someone out a dish in the sink. She actually needed medication for it it was so bad. I didn’t get the nesting instinct at all.

Just because I didn’t experience nesting doesn’t mean my sisters experience was not real. So I’m thinking perhaps some mothers are simply less affected by this bonding instinct but because they didn’t notice it as much they are trying to paint the mothers that did notice and experience it to a greater extent as just awful controlling man hating mothers.

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I have 4, I only had the nesting thing once. I had a home delivery and the midwife commented that she'd never seen such a clean house and my mother told her I'd spent the previous week scrubbing and polishing everything in sight. The night before I went into labour I was scrubbing the kitchen walls and floor with a spare tooth brush. It took hours but if I'd needed surgery I think my kitchen was sterile enough to act as an operating theatre.

I've had your experience and your sisters and I know which I prefer, going into labour exhausted from scrubbing floors and walls isn't the most sensible thing to do but when you have that compulsion it is hard to fight it. I'd love to know what made me do it that time as I could be accused of being a bit of a slob on the other 3 occasions.

I don't think all mothers experience their brain being flooded with oxytocin, at least in the early days as some find it painful and frustrating. If it works for you it is a wonderful thing but it doesn't work for everyone. I did it for a total of 5 years and yes the magic worked for me but I know plenty of women who hated breastfeeding and were so much happier when they went on to formula.

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 11:34

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/07/2023 07:02

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Not all women bond /it doesn't feel real and love a baby when it's still in the womb. Some don't bond until months later either. Myths and generalisations like these only make them feel worse, wonder what is wrong with them and endanger an already frail bond even further.

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Couldn't agree more and making mothers who don't bond immediately feel worse is pretty low.

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 11:32

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:31

I’m not angry in the slightest. After all I’m not the one swearing at posters making wild accusations.

There is no mystic mother baby bond. All bonds are created after birth…so yes they exist but only after you make them. Baby isn’t born bonded to you. Many parents with babies that spend months after birth in the NICU know this first hand. They have to go and visit and talk and touch their baby to develop the bond. Adopted babies have no bond with their birth mum, that’s why older adoptees miss the bond…

But old patriarchal beliefs die hard imho. We complain about the gender pay gap and then act like maternity leave of at least a year is inevitable. It’s not. It’s how society has set things up, based on the belief that a woman’s place is at home with the baby.

If you want to be home with baby, that’s ok. But it’s incorrect to tell women that it is biology and instinct and all this stuff that makes women think they are unnatural if that isn’t what they want to do. Then adding in the mum guilt by saying baby biologically is wired to need mum…that’s also not correct….baby doesn’t really care who is the primary caregiver so long as they have one.

I’m not angry, I’m pointing out that what you call biology and instinct and so on is really societal expectations and beliefs that prop up gender roles.

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I used to work with a woman who walked out on her twins when they were a few months old. Their father stayed and brought them up so I reckon his bond was stronger than hers. I also knew someone who couldn't cope when they found out their baby had CF and she also left and dad stayed. Of course I know too many mothers who stayed to be able to count them but I agree it isn't automatic that the mother's bond is stronger.

I am also amazed that with all of mine (but particularly the first) in the first few days if they were unsettled with me a midwife could take them and quickly settle them. That would be someone they hadn't heard during pregnancy but the baby obviously felt more settled with than with tired, sore, hormonal mum. If the fourth trimester was true they'd have settled better for me wouldn't they.

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 11:20

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 06:46

Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it.

Sorry but this is the old patriarchal trope of mothers place is with her baby recycled & rebranded for the modern age as a “fourth trimester”.

It’s not true that mum is all baby knows. Babies have been shown to recognise the voices of all family members FROM BIRTH. The voices they regularly heard in the womb, they know them. Father, siblings, grandparents, the lot.

Baby knows whoever cares for baby from birth. If it’s always mum for the first three months, then that is all they will know but it doesn’t have to be that way.

So glad to find someone else who thinks the fourth trimester is some sort of con trick.

Mine heard their dad's voice more than mine when I was pregnant as he sings all the time and I'm pretty quiet but I still question how much they really hear, I mean if I lie down in a bath of water and someone starts talking to me I can't hear much and what I do hear is distorted so imagine what it is like in a bag of fluid held in a layer of flesh inside a body with a layer of fat between it and skin and then you mostly have clothes on. I can't believe they hear voices very clearly, a rhythm maybe but not the voice.

As for scent well you smell through your nose so every smell is new when they are born and I certainly wasn't touching mine when they were in the womb.

So yes a con to keep women in their place.

I absolutely believe that babies need to be held, loved, comforted as they come to terms with this new world but dads can do all that as can siblings/grandparents or even the aupair.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/07/2023 09:37

@Onnabugeisha it’s not a ‘societal message’ or anything ‘mystic’ - it was nature’s age-old way of ensuring that babies were not just dumped in the forest for sabre-toothed tigers to devour, while mum went off looking for nuts and berries. And many of us are still governed by the same instincts.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/07/2023 09:36

Yes of course they are.

You only have to look at the numbers of deadbeat fathers that abandon their kids and that the overwhelming number of single parents who are women to know.

There are exceptions of course but in general yes undoubtedly.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/07/2023 09:30

Can’t speak for anyone else, but for a long time I couldn’t have left either of mine for more than an hour or two.

Wait and see how you feel, OP.

OTOH a friend of mine left her 4 week old firstborn with her parents for a month while she went on holiday with her dh. But she was from a culture where this sort of thing was nothing unusual.

Valeriekat · 01/07/2023 08:42

Evolution?