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Original poster

Husband and weird phone behaviour

61 replies

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 18:24

My husband has always been hiding his phone from me. Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site. This is why I hate him hiding his phone and I always feel something weird is going on.
I have suggested we both keep our phones open for each other to check and won’t hide phones from each other but this makes him furious.

Anyway, today he asked me to come and see a message his lady friend from work had sent to his phone (not a work phone). The message was about his salary issue, some unpaid salary he will be getting soon, with some smileys added. He only wanted me to see this message and the amount mentioned.

So as he asked me to come and see the message, I was like ok, let me see it. And his reply was that I should read it while he holds the phone, because the whole conversation is not meant for me to read. Honestly it hadn’t even crossed my mind to read more than what he asked me to read. He said the conversation is “secret.”
Am I being unreasonable because this made me suspicious. What is it that he is chatting with this lady (during the weekend) that I should not see? Also his job is nothing secretive or serious and any serious work related conversations should be on his work phone anyways, if I’m correct.

Ofcourse he got angry when I told him how weird the whole thing sounds to me. He shows me one sentence from the conversation and tells me the rest of it is secret and I should not touch his phone. Then why does he even show me any messages in the first place ?

I have noticed his phone behaviour is beginning to make me crazy. He has never apologised the things I have seen on his phone before and still keeps hiding it. And calls me crazy because I find it hard to trust him. Maybe breaking up is the only option because I have a feeling he is not being honest with me and has a secret life online.

OP posts:
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Dollychopsporkchops · 03/01/2025 00:49

@Karoliine what is the point/purpose of this post?

Hes cheated multiple times yet you’ve stayed? He’s behaved like this repeatedly; hiding the phone, gaslighting, being secretive..yet here you are with him.

Of course the cycle will continue and continue and continue, because you let him. He’s not sorry and even if he apologises he’ll be up to it again if you stay.

So again, what do you want to get from this post? Affirmation that his behaviour is weird? Well yes, it is weird. No man should have hidden conversations that his wife shouldn’t be able to see - especially from another woman.

Will this affirmation do much? I hope it will.

Teddy2424 · 03/01/2025 00:25

Wow, what a lovely bunch of people. I’m horrified reading through the replies. This poor girl is clearly being emotionally abused and typical of victim blaming mentality to point the finger towards her for the cheaters wrongdoings. I bet not one ye have been cheated on and if it is probably by someone in a surface level relationship. Clearly not educated on abuse she’s been gaslighted and blamed and coming here for support, being brave enough to open up and she is being cut into like she is causing her own abuse, cheating and problems. By people who haven’t a clue what she is experiencing. Horrible to see. Hope you’ve came through the fog and the blame he places on you and finally are free. You deserve better and none of this your fault.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 11/08/2023 00:16

The answer to this is clear OP. You are being abused in more ways than one, he's already cheated on you, and is either doing it again, and/or playing mind games where you are forced to worry and wonder about what he's up to. A marriage is supposed to be based on trust, but he's already proved that he can't be trusted, and by allowing him to continue as he is, you might as well be saying 'OK, carry on cheating, and treating me badly, I'm not worth anything more'.

So, now is the time to pack your bags, and end this marriage OP. You haven't mentioned children, so if you don't have any, this should be pretty easy to do, assuming of course that you have a job, and hopefully the support of friends and family. It's time for you to put an end to this abysmal situation, get back your self esteem, and work towards a happy, and fulfilling life without an arsehole like this constantly bringing you down.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/08/2023 00:03

I know this is a zombie thread @Karoliine but could you come back and let us know how you are now please?

I hope that you are well and happy, and no longer have a gaslighter in your family 🩷

Mmhmmn · 10/08/2023 23:57

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 11/02/2023 18:54

Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site.

Didn't really need to read the rest.

Yep. This was enough to chuck him long ago. You must know you deserve better. Apart from anything else he could be putting your sexual health at risk.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 10/08/2023 23:53

Zombie thread

KajsaKavat · 10/08/2023 23:49

You’ve stayed with him and therefor kind of accepted that you’re ok with him cheatingZ sorry. He doesn’t deserve you or any other woman.

myrew57 · 10/08/2023 23:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LadyHarmby · 14/03/2023 16:10

Wake up, love. This is your life as long as you’re with him. He’s not going to change.

Choconut · 14/03/2023 16:04

It's power games OP. He loves that he knows what's in the messages and that you don't - but that you want to.

He's a liar, a cheat and is also gas lighting you - that's why you feel like the crazy one. It's all nasty and dysfunctional and you deserve a lot better, you should have left a long time ago, don't waste any more time.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/03/2023 15:50

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 19:07

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy, jealous and all that. He never said sorry for cheating or joining those sites and never really tried to understand how I felt. Instead he blamed me. So maybe he has brainwashed me and ruined my self worth. I’m really lost and just had to open up somewhere..

You will recover your self-worth when you ditch this sleazeball.
His unaccountability & blame-laying are abusive, & nobody heals from abuse while still in the relationship.

Get on to ChumpLady - she will do you the power of good.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/03/2023 15:47

You don't have a problem with his weird phone behaviour - you already know exactly why he acts this way.

You have a problem with your husband being a serial cheat.
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Have a browse round the ChumpLady archives, & benefit from her wisdom & snark. I'm sorry your H is such a disrespectful twat. Flowers

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:44

You need to leave him he has already been unfaithful and now he is gas lighting you.

I would have his bags packed if he doesn’t let you read those messages

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 00:14

Good grief you caught him basically cheating/being inappropriate twice and you’re still with him? He’s done it twice I promise it won’t stop no matter what you do and what he promises not to do.

Cakecakecheese · 11/02/2023 21:33

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 19:07

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy, jealous and all that. He never said sorry for cheating or joining those sites and never really tried to understand how I felt. Instead he blamed me. So maybe he has brainwashed me and ruined my self worth. I’m really lost and just had to open up somewhere..

He's really done a number on you. You deserve better and I hope you can begin to see that.

RampantIvy · 11/02/2023 21:07

He's a lying, cheating, gaslighting sleazebag, so I'm going to join in with the chorus of "why are you still with him?"

GettingItOutThere · 11/02/2023 20:58

you lost me at "the first time he cheated on me"

get rid

Carryonroundthecorner · 11/02/2023 20:52

Please leave this despicable bastard.

DaveyJonesLocker · 11/02/2023 20:51

He is rubbing it in your face that he's cheating on you.

Get rid. You deserve better.
And get and STI screening, he doesn't respect you, he won't have had any interest in protecting your health.

SunshineLoving · 11/02/2023 20:44

Leave him OP. He's a nasty cheat.

You can't trust him, you're not happy. Leave him and be happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 20:40

You're your own worst enemy at this point. Raise your standards and get rid of this dickhead.

Cheeseandpickleplease · 11/02/2023 20:37

My husband has always been hiding his phone from me. Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site.

This is when you end your marriage!

you are married to a cheating prick (to put it mildly)

mediumbrownmug · 11/02/2023 20:34

So, if I have this right, he’s cheated on you several times, is not sorry, and is making it clear that he’ll cheat again if he wants to. And is now rubbing your nose in it by refusing you access to his phone and taunting you with the fact that he’s having secret talks with other women that you can’t see. And you’re asking whether you’re being unreasonable?

Respectfully, this relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Here’s how it should work: if something makes you uncomfortable, your partner should care. And even if it turns out that your concern wasn’t reasonable, your partner should still be able to have a kind and respectful conversation with you about it that leaves you feeling that you are in an equal partnership with someone who values you and your feelings. And they should feel the same. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take. I’m not seeing that here.

Out of curiosity, how do you think he’d react if you cheated several times on him? Would he expect an apology?

IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 11/02/2023 20:30

He has shown you who he is, twice. Don’t let him show you a third.

EVHead · 11/02/2023 20:30

FFS why are you still with him?! Serial sleaze keeps being sleazy - hardly surprising!

Find your self-worth and leave the bastard.