Fed up with partner choosing the gym

It sounds like you're not really compatible - lots of people go to the gym everyday and arriving home at 7.30pm is not super late. Now the way he responded to you may have been out of order but tbh I would give short shrift to my partner telling me when I could or couldn't go to the gym, unless there were children in the household

@Laurdo not a man but I did actually find it massively helpful too. it also means we are all aware what the other one is doing and that it is a fair split. Not fair that it is 50-50 but also taking work and other things into consideration

Good idea. I used to argue that a grown man shouldn't need someone to list out what needs done in the house but in reality some men need it pointed out.

Like my husband would see there's a duvet cover on the duvet so see no issue whereas I would know that duvet cover has been on for over a week and needs washed.

People also have different standards and ideals. Maybe someone is happy to leave the kitchen a mess and just do a big clean up before bed whereas I like to tidy as I go because making dinner when there's stuff everywhere is a pain.

Some people leave all the housework until the weekend, some people prefer to keep on top of it during the week so their weekends are free.

They need to sit down as adults and discuss expectations and plan who does what.

@Laurdo one possible solution is to write the jobs and chores that need doing when they need to get done and then divided. He can fit his jobs around his schedule she agrees to not nag as long as the job gets done etc

Yeah absolutely. The issue is him not pulling his weight at home, not the gym. There is no reason why he can't continue to go to the gym but also do more in the house. OP is blaming his gym going when that's not the issue.

It sounds like OP resents the fact that her BF has hobbies so is blaming that instead of addressing the real issue here. The BF of course needs to up his game when it comes to household tasks and OP perhaps would have had a better response by bringing this up with her BF rather than telling him he shouldn't golf at the weekend.

@Laurdo that is somewhat different though to having a partner that by the sounds of it does nothing in the house and refuses to do absolutely any of the bigger jobs and expecting their partner to just do it if they want it done.

This. My DH leaves the house at 6.30am and doesn't get home until 4.30pm. I WFH 9-5. We have kids so while they're having breakfast in the morning I put a wash on and empty the dishwasher from the night before. Takes 10 minutes. I'll tidy wee bits and bobs during the day, make the bed, clean the kitchen once I've made lunch etc. Later on while I'm cooking dinner he'll hang the washing up. We both do our bit in the evening with any other household tasks needing done in and around our hobbies and childcare.

My mum's advice to me when I was younger was to never marry a man with a hobby! This was because of my dad - but from what you have written he was much worse than your dp (he was an artist with a day job, so spent most of his free time painting and also played tennis a lot - we didn't see him much).

I go to the gym every evening after work and I am usually not home before 8 and I will cook then. I wouldn’t want to build furniture on a weekday. can you not do these things at the weekend? Maybe you can get yourself a gym membership. It’s more fun and better for you than clearing crap out of drawers!

Like I say when I worked 3 days a week esp once kids started school and on the 3 days I did work I was only a 15 minute drive from the office I did most stuff. H worked full time over an hour's commute away. I still had loads more time than him. Now it's reversed he does the majority. Sometimes he needs a nudge as he subscribed to the "but I'm still working" when WFH with a tonne of flexibility and loads more time than me. Swings and roundabouts. Occasionally booking out a weekend day to do big jobs is ok but I'd be pretty pissed off if a partner with loads more time than me deliberately didn't do it in the interests of "fairness".

Move out.

4/5 times a week is a pretty standard frequency for going to the gym, not excessive imo. I do 5/6 with running on top
of that, but I go very early or at lunchtime during the week to minimise the impact on family time.

I would ask them if they can look at changing the time they go for a couple of sessions so they can get these tasks completed. I wouldn’t expect them to reduce they gym time.

@Courgeon problem is these jobs do need to get done at some point. or are you suggesting that these jobs never get done or take over a year and expect the person who does work from home to either do it themselves or suck it up no matter if it reduces their quality of life?

To be honest if someone is WFH and the other one isn't I would expect them to pick up the lions share of the housework. When h started WFH at the beginning of lockdown and I was out I expected him to put laundry on, keep the kitchen tidy and cook tea most evenings. He had no commute and it's easy to do small jobs like that in between working. The "but I'm working too" doesn't wash. When I worked part time and a lot more locally than him I did most of it. Sorting out a wash load especially when you don't have DC is not a big job. I wouldn't want to give up precious weekend time to do "jobs" on a regular basis either. If H finishes at 4 due to WFH and I didn't get in until 6.30 the tip run would be his job.

To be honest his world became very small and he became fixated on the house due to WFH and it became irritating. I often leave at 7 and get in at 7 and used to spend a lot of time driving in my role. To have him then pecking my head about house stuff did my head in. He did a 9-4 most days so had 5 hours more free time than me.

@melj1213 you might have a point there. maybe the only way for the husband to get the point he needs to start pulling his weight is to just let the jobs sit and wait until he does them. not nag him but make sure he is inconvenienced by the jobs not getting done. his laundry not washed, flat pack boxes for the furniture in a space that causes him the hassle rather then OP. maybe then he will see why these unimportant tasks are infact important for the household.

You're upset that your partner is keeping fit / active?

YABVU

It’s hardly that outrageous, is it?

During the week, we eat around 6-6.30 because we eat together as a family, and the kids often have sport and other activities in the evenings. 🤷🏻‍♀️

When entertaining, or even just is at the weekend, it’s later.

Different people do things differently shocker.

Why are you trying to nest and make a lovely home for a man who isn’t interested?

I think YABU - there's nothing wrong with going to the gym every evening and your partner doesn't have to give up his golf to do a tip run, but by making ultimatums you're coming across as controlling.

You're "waiting around for him to be free" out of choice. It's perfectly normal for someone who enjoys the gym to go daily after work, and even if it wasn't the gym when you account for commuting and then doing an odd errand on the way home or a club/hobby then it's not unreasonable or unusual for someone to be getting home at 6:30/7pm and eating dinner at 7;30pm. You either need to have a snack earlier on so you can eat later with your partner or accept that you're not going to eat together every day.

Decorating a spare room, including building furniture, is something you either do as and when you have a bit of free time or you block out a weekend to get it all done in one go. Clearly your partner doesn't see it as the priority you do as he's happy to let the jobs wait, which isn't wrong it's just different. Similarly with his drawers - if they're his drawers and his stuff then he can keep whatever he likes and he doesn't have to sort them out because you want him to, you're not his mum telling off a belligerent teenager to tidy his room!

It seems like you WFH has meant that you're taking on more of the house admin but was that a mutual decision or have you just taken it upon yourself and are now holding that against your partner? There is going to be a natural redistribution of household tasks when someone is WFH as obviously you are able to do more just because you're in the house as opposed to being in the office (eg putting laundry on first thing then hanging it out at lunch so it's ready to be folded and put away by the evening as opposed to putting it on first thing and hanging it out in the evening when you get home so it's not dry till the morning) but that doesn't mean you're obliged to do them.

You could easily do your work day, have some free time to relax until 7:30, have dinner together then both do some housework in the evening

Can't you just crack on and eat your dinner earlier, OP? Plenty of couples who work differing shifts don't eat together.

I'd not want to sacrifice my health and compromise mental wellbeing/self image just to eat an hour earlier tbh. It's an integral part of who I am so anybody who couldn't live with that wouldn't be the right person for me.

I’m seriously surprised to read people saying they eat earlier than 1930 - I honestly don’t know anyone who does. For those that do - have you always? I couldn’t imagine eating a main meal that early!

Just to say I’m another poster who thinks a 7:30 dinner is too late. I wouldn’t want to be doing any life admin work in the evening after that!! I’m an early riser/early to bed and get tired in evenings after the usual drudge of cooking, dishes and bedtimes!

I wouldn’t change my exercise routine for a partner if there are no children at home tbh. I also wouldn’t be doing everything at home.

Same here.

I'd find a partner trying to dictate things fundamental to my physical health more intrusive than them dictating what haircut I should have etc.

However, he needs to pull his weight even if it mean sacrificing his remaining free time. I manage 4x gym sessions a week at 90 mins each alongside often working 12hr days.

Well DH wants a home office/gym in the garden so I might be able to exercise more one day!