Fed up with partner choosing the gym

No I don't think dinner should be on the table. I think he should cook when he gets in and eat at 8. A perfectly normal time for adults to eat dinner

At all these people saying have dinner at 7:30… that means they think you should have dinner on the table for him to walk in to. Don’t do that- be out for a walk or reading with wine and when he gets in ask him what’s for dinner. The gym is ok, not pulling his weight is not. Stop doing it for him, get a few boxes you just dump his crap into, leave his washing and stop cooking dinner. If you eat cereal for dinner for a couple of weeks it’s worth it to highlight that you’re not the domestic slave. Or get a nice piece of fish for one and cook it up. Look surprised when he’s grumpy- what do you mean I didn’t cook you dinner? But you don’t cook me dinner so why do you expect me to? This relationship goes both ways or not at all, I’m not your housekeeper.

Gym attendees tend to go early am.

I was always home by 6
Dh akways home by 5.45
DB always home by 5:30
SIL home by 6
BIL home by 5.00
Bil home by 5
SIL home by 6
Dss works from home
DSS hybrid, never in later than 5
Ds works from home

No one ever home at 7:30. Maybe it’s because we live in the north. DH commutes for 50 mins.

He's not never there. He's spending plenty of time at home.

The gym and him not helping with chores are two separate issues.

What world are people posting from, in which everyone is home by 5:15pm steadfastly doing chores each night?

How often is OP building cupboards?

I wouldn't cancel plans to run to the tip. That can wait.

@StarsSand by the sound of her building the wardrobe on her own if she did not do it then it would just not get done so yes he is selfish because he knows if he leaves chores and jobs long enough she will just do them being utterly fed up

@StarsSand I am sorry but if I did all the cleaning, all the laundry, built a wardrobe all on my own as my partner is never there and I asked for one tiny favour of just for one weekend to go to the tip instead of swanning off to his hobby like he does every weekend I would be bloody livid too.

7.30 is a completely normal time to get home. Many, many people don't get home from work until that time.

the fact he can work, gym and be home for 7.30.shows hes very efficient

The chores are a separate matter. He should be doing half the chores.

He has plenty of time after 7:30 on gym nights, or right after work on the day he comes straight home, or on the weekend or in the morning.

But it's two adults, how many hours of chores can there be a day?

I don't think she can blame the gym for it. If she chooses to spend his gym time doing his half of the chores then she should stop, leave them for him to do at 7:30, and attend to interests of her own.

It's the sort of lifestyle I had in my twenties but it's not sustainable with children. You need to talk to him, will he expect to continue this way with children? You will be left with all responsibilities and I would walk away if he still insisted on the gym routine so frequently.

I have a disabled ds, a dd with autism and a younger dd. I wish I had a partner to share the financial and emotional stress. I would think very carefully if I were you.

She said he goes 4/5 evenings a week and is home by 7:30.

So it's not every day, and even then he is home by 7:30! What time is she going to bed? They would spend hours together every evening.

Presumably they then spend the weekends together.

A lot of city workers never get home before 7:30.

It's bizarre to run home at 5pm every day to spend time with a spouse who can look after themselves.

@StarsSand trust me no one likes to do these daily chores but they need to get done. I would love to have the energy and time to do my hobbies. unfortunately as an adult I realise daily chores and life take priority. sounds like OPs partner is more then happy to basically let his partner do all the chores and cleaning while all his free time is for leisure.

And l don’t think it’s ‘controlling’ to be pissed off that you are second best to the gym. You obviously want to see him, why can’t he prioritise you some of the time.

I’d have ended this relationship. If I’m in one l want to see my partner and not come second to his gym obsession.

This is what l think.

What’s the point being in a relationship if you hardly ever see your partner and can’t be bothered to want to get home to them at a sensible time a few days a week?

l know no one who gets home at 7:30, eats dinner at 7:30 and goes to the gym every night. No one.

Don't know why they're living together with some of the answers on here

Bet they saw more of each other when dating

Don't people want to come home to their partners as well as their children?

Why should he change his workout routine to accomodate her wish to have dinner before 7:30pm? Or to inexplicably do daily laundry in the evening even though only two adults live there and one of them is home all day.

Lots of people exercise every day. He's home by 7:30pm, it's not like he never sees her.

OP should join him at the gym or get hobbies of her own.

If they had children it's a different story, but they don't and should both be enjoying their freedom. Not rushing home to eat dinner in daylight and polish the skirting boards or whatever daily chores she's managed to find.

@bonzaitree because I think most people who are active and healthy once living with someone try to find a schedule to do it in that works for everyone.

I don’t see why going to the gym= narcissism and vanity…

Surely the reason most people participate in fitness is to keep healthy mentally and physically, for enjoyment and to prevent illness later in life?

Dunno why you can’t “wait that long” to have dinner at 7:30, it’s a perfectly natural time for dinner, especially if you don’t have kids.
On the other hand, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be doing the spare room since he has the time and you do the regular housework. Obviously his vanity and narcissism about his fitness is greater than his commitment to your family life. This is a guy who will always put his enthusiasm of the day before you; if it’s not the gym it will be something else. Consider yourself lucky you found out now before having kids. Time to move on.

If his drawers are full of crap that's up to him.
Why are you washing every day? There are two of you how much washing can you create? What are you cleaning? He's out all day so there's only you there.
Sounds like you're not occupied enough and you're resenting him being busy

I guess but even so. If my husbands drawers were so full I couldn't put his clothes away I'd leave them on top in a pile for him to deal with. That's kind of his problem to solve, im not his mother.

If there was stuff on the table or in any shared space then, yes, tell him to sort it. But if he wants to keep his own stuff in his own drawers, why does it matter if OP thinks it's crap that could go? Im sure my DH thinks a lot of my possessions are crap but I still like them and want them around.

How messy could a house with just two adults be, especially if one is out most of the day?

@StarsSand could potentially be an issue if it means there is no room to tidy other things that are his away so that it is hard to keep the house tidy or have his clutter all over the table etc or his clothes are taking over the floor etc

Also if they are his drawers- what's it to you if they are full of 'crap he doesn't need'?

If my DH told me to stay home until I cleared out MY drawers to his standards I'd get pretty cross as well.

If my husband asked me to cancel a planned golf day with friends to do a tip run I would think he was being very odd.

If you don't have children, there's no reason he should miss the gym or any hobby.

Have a snack at 5:30 and then dinner at 7:30, lots of people don't eat until then. Better yet- make your own plans and get your own hobbies, socialising or exercise done after work.

Have a talk about splitting the chores more fairly, but no one is forcing you to do them. If he's home at 7:30 he can surely fold the laundry and wash the dishes in the evening with plenty of time to spare.

I think you sound lonely WFH, do you have your own things to keep you busy?

I agree with PPs though- if you're planning children make it very clear before trying to get pregnant that he won't be going to the gym every night if he's a dad and that you will expect equal leisure time and time away from the baby as he has.