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Original poster

When does it get easier ?? 3 year old

66 replies

whenoplease · 26/01/2023 16:45

My DD just turned three and she's such a handful.

She has been a handful since she was around 15 months. Absolute park at 2 and a half.

Sometimes I think things are getting a bit better, but then we have some bad days.

The tantrums, the whingeing, the screaming when she doesn't get her way is really getting to me.

At the moment we are really struggling with brushing hair, bath time and drying hair. It's like someone is trying to murder her. She just screams her head off and I don't know how to help. I stay cool most of the time and name her feelings etc. I do that whole thing, but it's only getting about 10 percent easier I would say. Sometimes I just don't know if she understands me.

The main improvements have been that sometimes her tantrums aren't as severe and she calms down quicker. But there are still bad days.

She throws stuff around when she's angry and throws tantrums when things don't go her way. It's exhausting. When does this get better ?

I try to make sure she's not over tired / hungry etc. but some days are awful.

She's at nursery a few days a week ( she started a new one a few weeks ago ).

I really don't like screaming at her, but very occasionally I snap. She had a bath earlier and was an absolute nightmare. I stayed cool the entire time and she actually apologised to me afterwards, which I found interesting.

Then when I was drying her hair, I shouted at her a bit because she was just screaming the whole time and trying to run away.

At night she's been awake for 2-3 hours just whingeing and complaining and I also shouted at her last night because I just can't take it anymore. I've not had good sleep in so long as I also have a 9 month old baby and I'm currently ill, suffering from a migraine.

It's all a lot. What can I do to get her to just calm down ? I know not all 3 year olds are like this !

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:59

OP do you attend any Mums and Tots type groups? I found them really beneficial as you get to speak to so many others in similar situations, have a good chat and a drink while the chn play.

SoloJazz · 26/01/2023 18:59

Have a look at something called limbic leap! It's about their adrenaline center being renovated and getting an extra wing so they get triggered very easily and go from 0-100 in a second. It's developmental and it will pass. Time outside helps and finding balance of activity and rest. Lots of patience, empathy, and keeping with the boundaries even if it enrages them. Perhaps having started in a new nursery contributed too!

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:57

I agree @peaceandpotato and good ones do have down times.

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 18:56

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Nursery shouldn't be that stimulating all the time. There will be chill time built in

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:56

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:53

I said nothing of the sort. I said o wonder sometimes if…..

Just seen your comments about SEN as well - you're a strange person!

Rachaelrachael · 26/01/2023 18:56

3 year olds are savage! I wasn't prepared... everyone goes on about terrible 2's and my daughter was a dream age 2. As soon as she turned 3 she became so emotional and strong willed. One minute she's playing nicely and the next minute she's having a complete meltdown because she can't get her dolls clothes back on 😂
She's 3 and a half now and seems to be chilling out ever so slightly!

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 18:55

I feel so much less alone reading all these stories. Thanks for speaking out OP. It can be tough.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:53

I said nothing of the sort. I said o wonder sometimes if…..

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:51

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:48

@Lollyloup Just offering a different perspective. Forgot I can only post if mud situation is exactly the same as OPs. She asked for perspectives and opinions. I said I realise being a sahm is not possible or desirable for all. Try reading before commenting!

I did read your comment, you're suggesting children being at home with a sahp is preferable for the child and that it might not be possible or desirable. How is that helpful to the OP who needs a break (and quite rightly so)
I think you're wrong, being with a sahp all day is not preferable for most children of toddler age and the stimulation they receive at nursery is beneficial.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:50

OP you sound strung out and I expect your Dd is picking up on that. You have to stop screaming back at her. You have to model the correct behaviour as tough as it is. Leave the room if you have to. Put her in the buggy and just walk until you’re calm. If she runs away when getting her in the car then pick her up and carry her to the car seat.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:48

@Lollyloup Just offering a different perspective. Forgot I can only post if mud situation is exactly the same as OPs. She asked for perspectives and opinions. I said I realise being a sahm is not possible or desirable for all. Try reading before commenting!

Anna783426 · 26/01/2023 18:46

Sorry it's so tough, it is really hard raising toddlers, it's overwhelming and you can easily get burnt out if you're bearing the brunt of drops offs etc.

We're in a similar boat - 3 year old and 3 month old. Eldest goes to forest school 3 days a week, every morning it's hard work to get her out and every walk home (15 mins normally, about an hour with her) I have to try so hard to keep my cool.

Although our baby is younger, it's so hard to meet both of their needs at once, I frequently feel like I'm failing both of them, and long to have the time to build in quality one on one time with my eldest without it being always focused on getting out the door/eating dinner/bath time etc.. I look forward to the calmer days I keep telling myself are ahead, before instantly feeling guilty for wishing away time.

Are you able to take a day to yourself at all? Step away from it all? It is relentless. Your 3 year old sounds totally normal and you sound like you're handling it well. I do think it's important they see some of our emotions too - we're allowed to get annoyed etc. Mine has started saying sorry as well, and can understand reasoning when explained, but equally can get totally swallowed up with anger and frustration when something doesn't go her way. It was our wedding anniversary the other day and I showed her some photos - she lost it because she wanted to marry me, and it's not fair I married daddy....

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:45

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Ah so because you were a sahp therefore nursery must be too stimulating..?🤔

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:42

And to add to that, it's always just terrible twos, there's the odd comment about threenagers but not enough so when people have a demon three year old (after struggling with a 2 year old as well) it can feel like it should've got better by now but it's got worse kind of thing..

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:40

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:37

People do talk about difficult toddlers. Not heard of the ‘terrible twos’?

Yeah, but it's just a quick comment, like "ah terrible twos eh?"

There's no deep discussion to let off steam, everyone is too afraid of making their child look worse than everyone else's. Which is a shame as everyone probably struggles with it and if we were all just more honest (not just on mumsnet) everyone would feel 100x better!

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:39

It's so tough because my baby is now constantly on the go too. He needs constant supervision too.

I'm really on the edge today. I just can't take it all anymore.

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:37

People do talk about difficult toddlers. Not heard of the ‘terrible twos’?

Topi226 · 26/01/2023 18:36

I have a 3 year old girl. I love her to bits but my god she really really makes me want yo break down sometimes (most of the time)
There is no rest bite from it. It's constant. I can't remember the last time we had a good day with her. Constantly battling with her. Over anything and everything.
I feel guilty when she due home from nursery and I dread it. I dread when dh is working and it's just me.
I can't wait for it to get easier. I miss my happy little girl

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:34

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:24

@Cuppasoupmonster I have two( now adults) and 3 was the age of reason in terms of listening more etc. Sure some tantrums but what the OP describes is quite severe. I also work in key stage 1 and see this pattern playing out.

Thanks for diagnosing my child !

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 26/01/2023 18:32

My three year old is a monster. Honestly, she is absolute thug and bullies her two older brothers mercilessly and couldn't care less about getting told off or punished.

The older ones are 5 and 7 and both just lovely, I think the real turning point is somewhere between 4 and 5 and then they become more normal. I'm hanging on for dear life until she gets there!

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:30

Things have improved. We've just had a rough few days I think. She's been unwell at home and bored.. it doesn't help.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 26/01/2023 18:28

3 1/2 - 4 was a lovely age for my first born, who was a little sod before that. It was sad really. I struggled so much, then he changed and was my little best friend, but then it was time for school. I'd have sent him to school from 1 1/2 - 3 year of age and then kept him just for me if I could have.
She sounds like she's getting there, OP. Keep the faith and try to laugh with her.

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:26

Hi OP, wow we are in the same position!
My DS is 3 and also been a handful since about 15 months. I honestly offer you every single ounce of my sympathy xxx

My son goes to nursery 4 days a week and I find the day off we have without my DH the worst day of the week, which is sad to say but true.

Some things I really struggle with are feeling guilty that I'm constantly wishing he was older; mum guilt that I'm not good at parenting and disciplining, or bringing out the best in him; envy of people who seem to have a great relationship with their kids; anger at people who don't support me more like my parents who seem to think I'm soft on him; disappointment in myself for shouting at him so much and losing my cool then feeling guilty about it; and probably just an overall sadness that I don't enjoy being his mum very much right now (and probably haven't since he was around 15 months :-(

I can't offer any wisdom on the situation as he is my first, but I'm preying it gets easier. Good on you for dealing with the baby too. I am pregnant and slightly dreading going through it all again.

I dunno why people don't talk about difficult toddlers more, you know like on loose women! It's almost like a taboo subject and I love a good moan!!

Sending love and let's hope age 4 is easier than 3 🤞

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:25

I've had apologies quite a few times recently from her, which I think is a sign something is getting though. I wouldn't have got any about 6 months ago. Most of the time when she has a big tantrum, she just wants a hug and then she calms down. It's definitely the fact she can't regulate. But other people ( grand parents of course ) have started saying that she's spoilt and I'm too soft etc. the usual !

OP posts:
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