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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
Gardeningpot · 26/01/2023 22:33

YANBU
"No, apologies this won't suit us
I am around for anything else/errands "

surely his gf can have him?!

Original poster
Feliciacat · 26/01/2023 22:29

We actually do have a spare bedroom with an ensuite. I just feel like he would need far more care than he is implying he would need. Plus I had been feeling bad since the incident two months ago and had been considering letting the friendship fade anyway.

It really annoys me that suddenly I am good enough to contact now that he needs something. They still haven’t replied to my last message; they’re probably fuming about me being ‘selfish’. I’m terribly sorry about his ankle and really hope it heals as quickly and well as possible. Not sure our friendship will!

OP posts:
ellyeth · 26/01/2023 22:12

If he was a very good friend then I might consider it. However, his attitude towards you being upset by his friend's very rude and insensitive remark - calling YOU "over sensitive" - would not make me feel bad about refusing his request. As for his partner implying that you are "bitchy", that is just horrible. Just say it would be too difficult, given that there is no bedroom to accommodate him, you are both busy, and sleeping on the couch would be most inconvenient.

Saying you are like family is a sneaky way of pressuring you to do what he wants. He'd better find someone else to be at his beck and call.

Tiani4 · 26/01/2023 21:05

Just to say, if he lived alone and couldn't mobilise to toilet or food or drinks and had no one to help him, he could contact his local Social care team for assessment as they could would sort out a care package if he required it (met care act criteria)

They'd assess and he'd pay towards his care. He's already getting some type of disability benefits (DLA or pip). So he probably knows this. I

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 20:47

Feliciacat · 26/01/2023 19:46

Thanks so much guys! In terms of what he gives me, he does buy lots of food for me when we’re together. I always offer money and he says no. He buys me lots of McDonalds and beer which I don’t always want. I feel like he’d say he’d spent a lot of money on me so how could I leave him. He hasn’t said that yet but thinking about the answer to what he’s given me; that’s what.

Additional update is that my partner and I spoke to some mutual friends and they said that they’d stopped really speaking to them due to behaviour like this and that they were glad for me that I’d stopped putting up with it. It felt very validating.

Stop worrying about how he is going to interrogate you & demand service, & start realising that when he does - you don't owe him a response.

So either just don't respond - or better yet, just block the twat now.
Then you never need to fend off his rudeness & entitlement again.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 20:42

AllyArty · 26/01/2023 19:29

Just say NO. Explain that you couldn’t give him the care he requires and he would be better in an place where there are people coming and going during the day. Offer other types of help ie stuff you can do, like cook him a meal, clean his house etc.

That's it. Be a strong independent woman, & tell him no.

Then be even stronger. The kind of strength it takes to be a housework skivvy to an abusive arsehole. That'll show him you're not to be messed with. 🙄

Shudahaddogs · 26/01/2023 20:04

UmbilicusProfundus · 25/01/2023 00:51

This doesn’t even sound like a dilemma to me. Just say no. It’s clearly an unreasonable request. You might have considered for a close friend, but he doesn’t even sound like any kind of friend at all.

This ...this..this

Vynalbob · 26/01/2023 20:04

This is a very easy choice especially given the background. Don't let him stay he has other options (partner, friend who was nasty, etc)..... expect a bit of flack from them but it's the right thing to do if it gets too irritating block until at least after your course stress.

That's my view anyway
Good Luck

VeganStar · 26/01/2023 19:59

Well done for saying no. You know yourself that it wouldn’t only be having his sweaty body on the sofa all night but most likely all day too.
You also know that you’d be expected to be his personal maid as long as he was there as well as you trying to cope with work and other things you need to do and you’d never have time to relax. He’d probably take over the tv remote as well.
Does he only mention being family when he needs something from you? I suspect he does doesn’t he?
I agree with what some of the other posters have said about him getting a commode and getting his gf to empty it.
You’ve made the first step in being assertive and sticking up for yourself by not letting yourself remain a doormat for the rest of your life.
It feels good doesn’t it?

WelliesandWine88 · 26/01/2023 19:54

He has a partner who won't look after him at this time? Major red flag that!.
YANBU .... I wouldn't have him stay..hard enough when it's a good friend but he's not even that!

Original poster
Feliciacat · 26/01/2023 19:46

Thanks so much guys! In terms of what he gives me, he does buy lots of food for me when we’re together. I always offer money and he says no. He buys me lots of McDonalds and beer which I don’t always want. I feel like he’d say he’d spent a lot of money on me so how could I leave him. He hasn’t said that yet but thinking about the answer to what he’s given me; that’s what.

Additional update is that my partner and I spoke to some mutual friends and they said that they’d stopped really speaking to them due to behaviour like this and that they were glad for me that I’d stopped putting up with it. It felt very validating.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 26/01/2023 19:44

Nimbostratus100 · 25/01/2023 04:44

having managed stairs very easily with two broken ankles, just tell him to go up forwards on his hands and knees, and to go down backwards on his hands and knees.

stairs are easier than crossing flat floor, with broken ankles

Brilliant response! I'd send him this and simply say, "no you can't stay here". No need to give a reason (don't give him something to use to argue about).

If he pushes back (likely) I'd add "I don't want someone in my house who has ignored me for 2 months and only gets in contact when they want to use me. The answer remains "no" and don't ask again."

Or you could just ignore this like he has ignored you and block his number. He's not a friend. He's not even offering to pay towards bills, food and wear and tear to your sofa! His partner can look after him like in a normal relationship. It is telling that he doesn't get on with his family - maybe they've had enough of him?

AllyArty · 26/01/2023 19:29

Just say NO. Explain that you couldn’t give him the care he requires and he would be better in an place where there are people coming and going during the day. Offer other types of help ie stuff you can do, like cook him a meal, clean his house etc.

supersop60 · 26/01/2023 19:28

Family? BS
He has a girlfriend. She's the one he should be asking.
Use the MN phrase "No, that doesn't work for me" and repeat.

Lindyloomillion1 · 26/01/2023 19:23

Friend? I don't think so!

Lindyloomillion1 · 26/01/2023 19:23

Friend? I don't think so!

Cakeandcardio · 26/01/2023 19:07

OP well done for standing up for yourself. Don't worry that he doesn't reply. That's just a form of control anyway. Good luck with starting your family - you will realise just how much you don't give a fuck about this person when you have a little one to look after x

Huxley1234 · 26/01/2023 18:56

Get yourself out of this friendship. Its one sided and they use you till the cows come home. Don’t feel bad about saying No to them. Please end this friendship before it destroys you.

MargaritaRita · 26/01/2023 18:43

He needs a more suitable flat for starters.

Isn't it amazing how some people have the absolute nerve to impose themselves on people like this person is. I would be mortified to have to ask. OK in an emergency and plenty would help me out, family would help too. But long term like this, I just couldn't do it. These people must have skin like a rhinocerous.

I'm delighted you have stood your ground OP. It gets easier when you do it once.

Emmamoo89 · 26/01/2023 18:41

YANBU X

JustDoingMe · 26/01/2023 18:39

NO! NO! Just hell no!
He is not your friend!
Let his girlfriend and his rude friend take care of him.
You have done enough!

Grannytwoshoes · 26/01/2023 18:34

Please take the word "try" out of this as that gives you an opt out. Just do it 🙂

EstherGreenwood19 · 26/01/2023 18:32

Oh it’s a very No from me. Just say I’m sorry I absolutely can’t, it’s not going to work. You don’t have to give any other reason.

Crimeismymiddlename · 26/01/2023 18:28

You’re a nicer person than me. I would have just ignored the message. You won’t be the only one who got that load of tripe.
I hope this helps you balance out your friendships more.
The likining to family is used by manipulative people to make others feel beholden to them for no other reason than ‘family’. I love my family but no way would any of them spend six weeks on my sofa if they had a partner to help them!

Rosie22xx · 26/01/2023 18:13

To me this sounds like a one sided friendship. You sound like you go above and beyond to help this person. And they just sound like a user tbh. I wouldn't consider this a friendship and I personally would drop them as a friend. I wouldn't keep a relationship there at all anymore. What do YOU gain from this relationship? I very much believe in only having people in my life that add value to my life, bring positivity and support, care and love me (just as much as i for them). I don't understand how there are people that ask so much of others, there are always ways to just do things yourself. Good luck in your decisions.

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