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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 31/01/2023 23:08

Obviously you say NO! I can’t believe you’d even entertain the idea. He sounds awful.

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 23:04

And bloody hell, wanting to control everyone's Saturdays for next while? Self important much? Or.are they worried that nights out without them there people will catch on to level of twattery? He's only broken an ankle, he's not bed bound!

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 23:02

He's obviously trying to get an 'in' with you. You've not capitulated as they expected so they are hoping to win you round by being all

"Heyyyy you, wonderful person you" ... Block and bin!

HamBone · 31/01/2023 22:55

Just leave it, don't bother texting him again and don't bother with the video calls either, unless you particularly feel like it - which sounds unlikely.

We all have busy/stressful periods when we don't keep up with friends as much as we should, but most of us don't then ask to stay for several weeks! They sound like users.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 31/01/2023 22:43

So, he hasn’t replied yet. But…his girlfriend started a WhatsApp group for 25 people including me and said they wanted to do video calls every Saturday since he had a bad ankle and couldn’t go anywhere. I replied that I’d be busy until the end March (as a way to stall things and let them fade).

I then got a private message from him saying ‘are you ok? I haven’t heard from you, miss you lots’. I pointed out that I’d messaged lots in the last two months with no reply and he said sorry my head’s been up my arse.

I think he’s just being controlling and trying to make me feel bad. I doubt he’d be in touch if it weren’t for his own needs.

OP posts:
Stewball01 · 31/01/2023 07:59

I hope you are planning on saying NO. Do it by text and then block him. You'll feel better with this person out of your life and while we're on it, you have babies when you want or not if you don't want.

Thatiswild · 30/01/2023 13:28

Has he replied yet OP?

Newestname002 · 30/01/2023 09:47

@Feliciacat

I'm late to this thread but just wanted to pipe up and say "congratulations" for being assertive and putting a spike into this "friend's" plans for you to house, feed and care for him (as well as his girlfriend to a large extent I'm guessing) at your expense. It's so refreshing to see positive action like this on MN.

I'm glad you had a conversation with mutual friends and now have a clear picture of what a CF this man and his girlfriend are.

The good thing is that, in future, you'll recognise such users much quicker and will find saying "No!" easier each time. 🌹

Back2Back2t · 30/01/2023 08:52

HamBone · 29/01/2023 14:06

🤣🤣🤣 I’d be more explicit and say that “We’re using all the furniture as we’re TCC.” He’ll never want to eat off your table again. 🤣

Show quote history

😂😂😂

HamBone · 29/01/2023 14:06

Oldraver · 29/01/2023 11:21

I was going to say tell him you're far too busy TTC

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣 I’d be more explicit and say that “We’re using all the furniture as we’re TCC.” He’ll never want to eat off your table again. 🤣

Oldraver · 29/01/2023 11:21

Edders71 · 25/01/2023 07:41

“I am sorry but as I’m so old I’m spending all my spare time trying to get pregnant. I need the sofa free in case the mood takes me there and then. All the best xx”

I was going to say tell him you're far too busy TTC

jac67 · 29/01/2023 09:15

Definetely wouldnt let him stay, added complications if he wants partner and the said friend to come over to keep him company, you will find yourself hiding out upstairs in your own house, I know because its happened to me.
Just wish I could take my own advise, I always seem to cave then regret and feel really weal for giving in again, try to put yourself and partner first.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 27/01/2023 20:44

I’m really feeling that! I don’t care if I’m a dick, at least I get to be free!

OP posts:
Monsun · 27/01/2023 20:24

My boyfriend said he couldn’t stay because it’d be bad for his body to sleep on a sofa.
STOP JUSTIFYING YOURSELVES/YOUR BEHAVIOUR.
That sentence should read: My boyfriend said he couldn't stay.
End of.
You don't need to give a reason for any decision you make, certainly not if one is being demanded. 'You can't stay.' IS a complete answer. No reason required.

I bet they’ll go cold on me and bitch about me tbh.
So? And what would they even say? How you wouldn't let them stay because you don't want them to? Oh, how awful.😭
Honestly, all anyone else will hear is that you're an adult busily getting on with your own life.
Tbh, let them bitch and go cold on you - what a remarkably easy way to solve the problem!

Lessons to be learned here:

  1. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Ever.
  2. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. Oh, and 'oversensitive' is an abuser's tag line.
  3. Stop caring about what others say about you, especially abusers!

(My friend has just added this thought for you: why does he get to be the dick, but you don't?) Be the dick my (MN) friend, be the dick! 😁

BusyMum47 · 27/01/2023 18:03

Fuck, no - why are you even considering it? I'd cut them loose permanently anyway, regardless of this current piss-take!

Justbefair · 27/01/2023 17:35

If it was a dear friend who reciprocated favours then I would help of course but this guy sounds like a user. His gf can look after him surely, get a mobile chemical toilet. There may also be somewhere funded he could stay if he pleaded or have his home modified if on disability and even assistance with hygiene. I'm so soft but have learnt to try to say no more if being used.

CrazyLadie · 27/01/2023 12:18

Fraaahnces · 25/01/2023 01:23

”No. You are only polite to me when you need my services. You only contact me when you want something. Apart from that you are rude and downright cruel. Go and invade the boundaries of someone you respect instead.”

This 1 billion % 👏👏👏👏

ColdCycle · 27/01/2023 11:22

Well done! You stood up to them.
Now just leave the WhatsApp group then delete it. Clear out the rubbish.

Notsoivorytower · 27/01/2023 08:50

Hard NO - no explanation needed!

Skodacool · 27/01/2023 07:37

Additional update is that my partner and I spoke to some mutual friends and they said that they’d stopped really speaking to them due to behaviour like this and that they were glad for me that I’d stopped putting up with it. It felt very validating
This tells you everything you need to know. He’ll only get the message when you put a stop to him trying to take advantage of you.

MeridianB · 27/01/2023 07:29

Another one saying block now. And stop caring what they think!

Tiani4 · 27/01/2023 06:23

Feliciacat · 26/01/2023 22:45

They live together! So yes you would think so! I’m almost wondering if she maybe wanted to be able to share his care with us as she’d find it too stressful. I think they should get help from her family though.

You're kidding right?
He DOESNT LIVE ALONE??!!

Absolutely zero reason to ask you to have him move in!!
It's he and his gf who are selfish, his gf can arrange a commode which she can empty and she can help her live in partner, as errrrr, she's there, rather than be lazy and attempt to farm him off to someone mug to look after
Jeez you couldn't believe the entitlement would get worse.

No in sickness and I health with this couple..

Wdib78 · 27/01/2023 05:36

He's been ignoring your messages, time to return the favour, ignore him and block. He's no friend he's just a user.

dementor72 · 26/01/2023 22:55

Oh my word , he knows how to manipulate doesn’t he ?
Cut all ties with this nasty CF ( seems like other people are doing so already )
Best of luck going forward with your own family plans .

Original poster
Feliciacat · 26/01/2023 22:45

They live together! So yes you would think so! I’m almost wondering if she maybe wanted to be able to share his care with us as she’d find it too stressful. I think they should get help from her family though.

OP posts:
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