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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
DeskChair · 02/02/2023 10:29

Although I think you shouldn’t go. You aren’t responsible for their mental health, as much as they tell you other wise. You sound lovely but they won’t commit suicide based on your actions or inactions,

DeskChair · 02/02/2023 10:28

If you do drop the present round, have an appointment at the doctors you are booked in for 15mins later so you have to leave and stick to it

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2023 10:27

Also, if you need to cancel - “Something’s come up. Can’t come after all. So sorry. X”

Turn off phone.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations ever.

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2023 10:25

Just don’t bring the present. Keep it for someone deserving of your time, attention and money. (Ie, someone who gives a shit about your feelings.) If you absolutely MUST, post the damn thing with a card that simply says “Happy Birthday X, from @Feliciacat“

Bonheurdupasse · 02/02/2023 09:08

Make up an excuse any excuse - something that's clearly at your discretion (you had to work / study), and get your partner to drop the gift.
They would do it to you.

Remember they can't bully you if you're not there, but they definitely will if you go.

LAMPS1 · 02/02/2023 06:17

Taking a gift round to them whilst at the same time ‘not being too friendly’ is playing games with them OP which is exactly the sort of thing they would do to you and you would complain about. You are encouraging them if you do that - not maintaining boundaries at all. Please stop fooling yourself.
Your comment about them ‘making you stay’ shows just how coercive they are and just how weak you are against their control over you.
You are very foolish if you get back into this relationship by taking a gift around.
You made a stand and said no. Well done. Making up to them with a gift for having said no is really stupid and they will see right through you.
Stay right away from them now if you are serious about this….it really isn’t a game you should be playing.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 01/02/2023 21:55

It’s true that it does give the wrong message compared to how I actually feel. I just had already offered to bring the present round before the sofa thing. I didn’t know how to get out of it so I figured I’d just do it and then continue with my strong boundaries and low contact. They usually make me and my partner stay for hours and hang out with them but we’re planning to just drop over and leave very quickly.

They’ve both been suicidal before so I thought that cancelling giving the present would be too much. I do intend to carry on with the better boundaries and I can’t possibly get sucked back in when I’ve lost my trust in them now. That was why I did things for them; I thought we were like family. It wasn’t an ego thing though I can see why it might look like that. I just wanted unconditional love in my life. I don’t have that with them though and I don’t forgive people easily. So I won’t get sucked back in.

OP posts:
queenqueefy · 01/02/2023 15:48

They are users, clearly. Give them a wide birth or tell them to fuck off.

Monsun · 01/02/2023 15:32

Feliciacat: What are you playing at?!?

You guys are right.
Yes, yes they are. EVERYONE can see the problem here except you.
It is his girlfriend’s birthday tomorrow so we’re going over with a present because we got it before the whole can we stay on your sofa thing.
You have a present for someone who (as much as you wish to deny it) indirectly called you a bitch? WTAF?
Plus they both have depression and I don’t want them to feel totally abandoned on her birthday when he’s broken his ankle.
OK, wow. Again, so?
Show me a person currently who does not have depression. Why does having an injury make a difference? Most worryingly, why don't you want them to feel abandoned? Seems fair, they do that to you...
I will not be too friendly with them though.
Lol. Then what on earth is the point of going? Way to kill a birthday mood.

I get it, I really do - you miss/grieve the loss of the friendship you THOUGHT you had, and no doubt, you hope it will somehow magically sort itself out so that it either goes back to or becomes the friendship you so obviously need. Spoiler alert: it won't. The friendship is already over. It's been over for probably years.
The fact is, you're not ready to let this usership go and we (your MN friends) CAN'T help you until you get this. As much as he is a dick, YOU are now the one at fault here. YOU are enabling this unhealthy usership to continue and it will only get much worse. Situations like these can drag on for decades. YOU are the only one that's going to get hurt here. So really, my only question is how much time of your finite life here on earth did you plan to spend on this?

Newyearnewmeow · 01/02/2023 15:30

Come on OP. Stop being so nice. Horrible people take advantage of nice people and that’s what they have done to you time after time.
Don’t take the gift. You will just be made to look horrible for not letting him use you a his servant for x amount of weeks.

MinnieGirl · 01/02/2023 15:23

As others have suggested I really would advise you not to go round with that gift. You have put boundaries in place, and have them at arms length. If you go round it Will give them the wrong message, and they will try to manipulate you again.
Remember what she said about you…..
Remember the messages you sent to him that he couldn’t be bothered to answer…
You have been a good friend and they have used your kindness.
By all means txt happy birthday, but don’t go round.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 15:13

There is nothings "nice" about allowing people to treat you poorly, repeatedly, yet you keep going back for more.

It's not "nice".

Its sad
Its embarrassing.
Its cringe worthy.
Its exasperating.
Its confusing.
Its perplexing.

But it really isnt "nice".

Someone behaving like a complete doormat and a mug is never nice to be around.

These are stressful people to be around because they are continually treated poorly by people who use them, and are invariably "hurt" by this treatment, and then upset.

I avoid doormats as they generally have a lot of hurt/upset drama in their lives.

Too tedious for me.
Too much ego wrapped up in their being perceived as "nice".

GlassBunion · 01/02/2023 14:44

Honestly, if you do go, you'll be sucked right back in and it'll be worse because you'll be face to face.

Becclescake · 01/02/2023 14:11

No present, no contact. These people are using you. You've asked for advice, and the overwhelming consensus has been to ditch the user 'friend'. If you go over with a present you will be sucked back in and have no one to blame but yourself.

illtakeit · 01/02/2023 14:09

OP is too nice. Why do you think he reached out to you just before the birthday? You think it's a coinkydink? 🙃

euff · 01/02/2023 14:06

After the things she said to you?! You are very nice don't let them push you into anything.

RosetteNebula · 01/02/2023 14:03

You're being too nice OP. I'd keep or return the gift.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 13:52

Feliciacat · 01/02/2023 13:40

You guys are right. It is his girlfriend’s birthday tomorrow so we’re going over with a present because we got it before the whole can we stay on your sofa thing. Plus they both have depression and I don’t want them to feel totally abandoned on her birthday when he’s broken his ankle. I will not be too friendly with them though.

Help yourself OP, for goodness sake.

Throckmorton · 01/02/2023 13:50

What on earth?! No - they tried to USE you and you're going to take them a present?! Don't. Get. Sucked. Back. In.

HamBone · 01/02/2023 13:47

Noooo, please don’t go over, OP! You’re getting sucked in again and I’ll bet they’ll ask you in person whether he can stay-it’ll be so difficult to say no.

Either return or give the gift to someone else. Please, you’ve got to distance yourself from these people or you’ll end up being their dogsbody for the foreseeable future!

Original poster
Feliciacat · 01/02/2023 13:40

You guys are right. It is his girlfriend’s birthday tomorrow so we’re going over with a present because we got it before the whole can we stay on your sofa thing. Plus they both have depression and I don’t want them to feel totally abandoned on her birthday when he’s broken his ankle. I will not be too friendly with them though.

OP posts:
kateandme · 01/02/2023 12:57

He's worried now. He's thinking your not going to let him stay so he's trying it on.

Fraaahnces · 01/02/2023 01:08

Just write back “Yeah.”

Bonheurdupasse · 01/02/2023 00:09

Block (or at least mute) him OP!
so you’re not tempted / provoked to reply to what will no doubt be his future guilt tripping messages.
Remember if you don’t reply he won’t have any messages to try and twist to your other friends.
block him

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 23:44

He's an utter twat and deeply unpleasant.

Mute or block and simply cease replying.

They are both users and have treated you badly repeatedly.

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