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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 09/03/2023 12:21

@Feliciacat I love a good update-I posted upthread-so well done!

No doubt there’ll be bitching about me but the thing is; there was already bitching about me! At least now I’m free! It’s so worth it

Sums it up perfectly!!!

Original poster
Feliciacat · 09/03/2023 12:17

Ok. Update! This guy (with the bad ankle) asked in our WhatsApp group if we could come over to deep clean the entire house (including oven cleaning) because his girlfriend was having to do it all. I cannot believe this! It’s normal to sometimes have to do all the housework cos your partner can’t. I think the issue is that he usually does all the housework so it’s not getting done now as his girlfriend is too depressed. I don’t see why this is our problem though?

One of his friends in this WhatsApp group (not the one I’ve mentioned who was mean at the party) said that he couldn’t help but that he thought it was ‘brave and inspirational’ that he’d asked for help and that he was pleased that some friends in the WhatsApp group were ‘the kind of friends that make him feel comfortable asking for help’. To clarify, my partner and I had not said we’d help and only one person in the group had said yes. So this comment was very passive aggressive towards most people in the group.

I slept on it but today I left all groups with this guy and his girlfriend in and blocked them on all platforms. Before I did, I said that I hoped this could be seen as a ‘brave and inspirational move’ and that I hoped I had ‘the kind of friends who didn’t make me feel bad about setting boundaries or asking for help’. I feel much lighter now. No doubt there’ll be bitching about me but the thing is; there was already bitching about me! At least now I’m free! It’s so worth it!

OP posts:
quinceh · 06/02/2023 18:36

"Sorry I'm afraid we can't. Hope you find somewhere you can stay and get well soon."

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/02/2023 18:31

you said "I can see them very clearly for who they are now. They were not interested in what I was going through (very stressed at work, worried about my course and worried about ttc) and spoke about themselves the whole time."

Good. Glad you are seeing them for what they are. Never go back!

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 17:05

@Feliciacat

It’s time to spend the energy I spend on others on me. Feels good so far!

Hurrah! 🌹

Original poster
Feliciacat · 05/02/2023 16:46

That’s a good thought but he is not in social housing; I think he just gets off on thinking that I love him enough to do anything for him. It’s time to spend the energy I spend on others on me. Feels good so far!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/02/2023 15:26

Being a very cynical person from experience, does he have social housing at all?

It's possible it was an attempt to game the housing system 'I'm so disabled, I can't manage at my flat, so I'm sleeping on a friend's sofa and I'm now legally homeless because I can't access the toilet or move around at all'. Which also means it would be for far longer than 21 days.

Tiani4 · 05/02/2023 15:11

The irony of this
the friend spent a while talking about how great he was and that he was very empathetic and kind

People that have to tell you this about themselves are invariably the ones that aren't those things. Bc if they were others would have spotted that about them

Why would you have to tell people who know you well that you're 'empathetic' or 'kind'??!! Your actions would speak for themselves if you were

Tiani4 · 05/02/2023 15:08

Hehe auto incorrect
Definitely don't hoover I meant hover

Tiani4 · 05/02/2023 15:07

@Feliciacat
Glad to hear you're feeling more in control of your time, your head space and what you want to do

They usually make me and my partner stay for hours and hang out with them but we’re planning to just drop over and leave very quickly.

This part is easy to resolve though, practice before you do round if you do decide to
Any of these will do ...
"Can't stop/we've only 10 mins, we've things to do"
"Right, must go now "
"Sorry to interrupt, but this is a flying visits.. we've got to head off"
Don't take your shoes off or put your bags down hoover and head to the door repeating "lovely to see you , but we've got to go.."

Original poster
Feliciacat · 05/02/2023 08:48

Thank you. I actually reinforced the fact that I was going through a lot right now and have made no further plans to see them. I can see them very clearly for who they are now. They were not interested in what I was going through (very stressed at work, worried about my course and worried about ttc) and spoke about themselves the whole time. A thing I picked up on is that the friend spent a while talking about how great he was and that he was very empathetic and kind…whilst not probing when I was really shattered and had said I had a lot on! They are in my extended circle so ghosting isn’t really possible. However, it seems that a few other people think the same as I do so I wonder how long they will even be on the scene.

OP posts:
Becclescake · 05/02/2023 07:32

Feliciacat · 04/02/2023 10:41

All very good points. He is not staying on my sofa and I have now seen him and he did not push it. He is getting ambulance transport to the hospital and has had occupational therapy support for round the house (handles around the toilet etc). This is probably much better than staying at mine anyway! There’s no way we could have accommodated him with his injury being so bad. Plus he didn’t treat me well either. Thanks all.

From the way you've written this, it's obvious you're still too involved in their lives. I know it's hard, but from the outside looking in (from what you've told us), they are 100% users and have been taking advantage of your good nature - you need to cut these people out of your life. He pulls on your heart strings by saying you're like family. You are not responsible for their own well being and self care. I wish you all the best and hope you stop letting them draw you in Flowers

VeganStar · 04/02/2023 12:12

Glad to hear it Feliciacat.
It makes more sense to adapt their place to his needs.
You can relax now and back off from this one sided “friendship!”

Original poster
Feliciacat · 04/02/2023 10:41

All very good points. He is not staying on my sofa and I have now seen him and he did not push it. He is getting ambulance transport to the hospital and has had occupational therapy support for round the house (handles around the toilet etc). This is probably much better than staying at mine anyway! There’s no way we could have accommodated him with his injury being so bad. Plus he didn’t treat me well either. Thanks all.

OP posts:
VeganStar · 04/02/2023 08:52

if they spend a lot of time smoking weed where will he be smoking it if he’s at yours?
Surely not inside, and if he’s smoking it outside you risk being reported by your neighbours and may even be raided.
Seriously think about what you’re doing!

Shenaniganza · 04/02/2023 03:28

Tell him you aren't going to accommodate this, and if he complains tell him he's being overly sensitive.

MeridianB · 02/02/2023 17:33

Hopefully if I stop validating them, they will reflect on their behaviour and change.

This will never happen. They are adults who need to take some responsibility for their lives and behaviours. This is going to be harder if they both have serious mental health problems and spend a lot of time smoking weed.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/02/2023 14:21

If you must give present POST IT.. doesn't matter if it is a day late you can text its on its way. They may not even remember you said that. Doesn't sound like they listen to what you say anyway. Send an Ecard and move on.

Your boundaries are so thin and so new that you will just get guilt-tripped and manipulated into doing what they want all over again.
Even worse if they have other people there to witness it, because, and I say this gently - you are over concerned about being "nice" even when its to your own detriment.
Why would you voluntarily put yourself in such a difficult situation?
You are doing this because they have made you afraid they will commit suicide? Who wants to make people afraid like that. Its emotional blackmail and it's worked so well for them in the past they are unlikely to give up now. Your friend had plenty of other options and people he could ask for help, including his own girlfriend and her family. You are not his family just because he keeps saying that.

You said you wanted to end this "friendship" - then it's not honest to go there and give them birthday wishes and presents and then end the friendship. Its not helpful to either side.
You have decided to end the friendship, so end it.
End their constant reliance on you when they make you feel so bad about yourself.
Go out for an evening with your BF instead and promise yourself not to discuss them that evening.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 02/02/2023 13:53

Exactly. But telling me I shouldn’t be a mother is a bit much when you misread my post and thought I was crying over them when it was the miscarriage comment.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/02/2023 13:50

Feliciacat · 02/02/2023 13:37

I know myself better than some people on the internet do. My mother said she wished I was never born and that I shouldn’t have children because it would ruin my life as she wished she hadn’t had any. I didn’t cry about these ‘friends’ I was upset because, in the face of my own mother being so awful about me having kids, I was also being told I was too old and would doubtless have a miscarriage.

If you know yourself better than anyone, then you should know that you need to protect yourself from user/ losers.

Don't mind them or your mother, they don't know anything about parenting.

If you want a baby you need to mind yourself.
Eat well and try and control your stress levels.
Get out for long walks to up your serotonin.

Being around user/losers only elevates stress and these are not people you want in your future sucking the life from you.

People like that try and make you feel like only you can help them.

The truth is users move on quickly to the next mug very quickly.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 02/02/2023 13:37

I know myself better than some people on the internet do. My mother said she wished I was never born and that I shouldn’t have children because it would ruin my life as she wished she hadn’t had any. I didn’t cry about these ‘friends’ I was upset because, in the face of my own mother being so awful about me having kids, I was also being told I was too old and would doubtless have a miscarriage.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/02/2023 13:31

It is about your ego.

You have inserted yourself in their issues because you wanted unconditional love, ...whatever that is🙄...........from two nasty users that don't actually like you but use you.

They see you as a mug that will fall for their manipulative lines.

You don't feel good about them but your ego sucks you back in for more drama from them.

Crying for a week? What age are you?

Such drama and you want to have a baby?

Get yourself some therapy to figure out what your issues are and work hard on them, and control your ego that has you crying for a week about such losers.

Babys and children need stability, not parents who like to spend their energy perceiving themselves needed by a couple of wasters on weed.

Forget about them and start fixing yourself.

Pick up a hobby/sport too, that will keep you too busy to spend time with loser users.

Good luck.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/02/2023 12:46

You do sound over sensitive (you cried every day for a week?!) but he sounds like a prat and YWNBU to tell him to jog on

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2023 12:43

Oh my god LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!!
”I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR MENTAL HEALTH…”
WHY? HOW?
They are responsible for their own mental health. They are using it to manipulate you.
THEY HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS BUT ME.
You don’t even really like them. You seem to resent them a lot. (Not at all unreasonable, but you allow yourself to get sucked in every single time.)
They buy you Mc Donald’s that you don’t want and then you feel obligated to them. (No is a complete sentence.)
No wonder they walk all over you. You keep going back for more. Just stop!!!

Original poster
Feliciacat · 02/02/2023 11:22

Yeah I definitely think I won’t stay very long. They do both tell me a lot about their mental health issues including feeling suicidal and having had breakdowns. Reflecting on it, that’s probably also a control tactic. I’m fading them rather than ghosting them because I do feel a bit responsible for their mental health as they’re always laying it on thick and saying that my partner and I are the only people who they can be themselves around. It has never actually made me feel good, I felt very pressured by them saying that.

Whenever they have events, my partner and I are the only ones who turn up at the start and leave at the end. I can see that they wouldn’t have many friends if we weren’t their friends anymore. I mean, as established, they’re not friends to me so it’s not a friendship. It’s probably enabling them to not change and to keep being toxic if I keep letting them think I’m their friend when they treat me like this. It’s too late to not go round with the present and I don’t want her to feel like shit on her birthday so I will go round but not stay long.

Hopefully if I stop validating them, they will reflect on their behaviour and change. They’re both very overweight, never go anywhere (both work from home and never see coworkers in person), all they do is eat takeaway and do weed. It’s not a healthy lifestyle for me when I’m with them. By accepting them as they are, I’m doing more harm than good. I hope they can change and that they don’t spiral over me not being their friend anymore. It’s not my responsibility though.

OP posts:
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