Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
kingtamponthefurred · 25/01/2023 08:31

It is perfectly possible to shuffle up and down stairs on your bottom. He will get quite nifty at it with practice.

Inkpotlover · 25/01/2023 08:29

He sounds like a total user who'd expect you to wait on him. Your reply was excellently firm and so what if he throws his toys out of the pram – this is one 'friendship' you are well rid of.

Dalekjastninerels · 25/01/2023 08:29

When I was 13 I had a nasty ear infection that infected my balance. I was the same height as my Mum at the time 5ft 2 ( I am 5ft 6 as an adult) so she could not carry me to the loo and no way would I let my Dad do it. I thought it would be embarrassing for him as I was (in my eyes) a woman. So what did I do? I fumbled and crawled to the loo.

Your " friend" can do the same. He can manage; trust me.

MrsMitford3 · 25/01/2023 08:29

My DS (early 20's) very badly broke and dislocated ankle and was on no weight bearing/bedrest last summer.

It was awful-he couldn't even make himself a cup of tea because he couldn't carry it on crutches etc. he did use a ruck sack to crutch things eventually but cast was massive and he was very very dependant on help.

I would 100% say absolutely not

Aphrathestorm · 25/01/2023 08:28

He's not your friend. He sees you as someone he can use and manipulate

IncompleteSenten · 25/01/2023 08:26

Are you sure he's a friend?
He sounds like a user to me.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 08:25

Ok, so I was waiting until this morning to reply to him (it’s in a WhatsApp group that him and his girlfriend has with me and my boyfriend) when I woke up. My boyfriend said he couldn’t stay because it’d be bad for his body to sleep on a sofa. The ‘friend’ sad he would be ok on a sofa (I think he was trying to worm his way in). So I said:

“You should definitely ask Occupational Therapy about this, there’s no way this would work. We both have a lot on at the moment so can’t accommodate a guest. Particularly for that long.

If you need things on evenings and weekends though, do say. Really hope you get well asap fella :) xxx”

I’ve not had a reply but I bet they’ll go cold on me and bitch about me tbh. You’re all right though, this is an opportunity to get rid. I mean, I’ve actually offered enough to them as is and a normal friend would be fine with that. I really feel they can’t deal with me not acting exactly as they want me to so I’m braced for the worst.

OP posts:
Clymene · 25/01/2023 08:24

No. He's not a friend, he's a user

WigglyGlowWorm · 25/01/2023 08:23

*you’re

WigglyGlowWorm · 25/01/2023 08:22

Normally I’d said YABU but, in this case, your definitely, not being unreasonable. Suggest that he arranges for a paid carer to come a
couple of times a day to make him a meal/snack. He could be left with a hot drink in a thermos for when he’s alone. He could buy a commode for when he’s finding it hard to get to the loo and the carer can empty it when they arrive. There’s always ways around these things.

butterpuffed · 25/01/2023 08:22

Don't let him stay .

As he's saying the stairs are the problem , tell him to sit on the bottom one and work his way up like that in a sitting position , coming down in the same way. Problem solved !

ChristmasJumpers · 25/01/2023 08:18

I might be repeating other people's responses but this is a definite no! I would struggle to say no too and would have to find an excuse to lessen the blow, but no way would I accommodate this "friend". It's really too much to ask of you even if he was a good friend.

I tend to find that as soon as I've been asked a favour, the onus is on me to do it or have a really good reason why not. It's so hard to say no when you have that mindset. I would be thinking up a good excuse, but it sounds like he may get into a sulk with you anyway. Don't let that sway you - a friend like that is not a friend you need.

Dalekjastninerels · 25/01/2023 08:18

My couch is my sanctuary to read, play on my Ipad or Tablet and also watch TV on plus watching my DVDs etc.

I would think other peoples' couches are likewise so he is being really selfish asking for this.

Over40Overdating · 25/01/2023 08:11

Nope. He’s not your friend. He sees you as a service provider.

If he’s upset at your saying no, tell him you aren’t prepared to accommodate his sensitivities.

Leave him to the care of his equally CF partner.

BobDear · 25/01/2023 08:09

*and drop off

BobDear · 25/01/2023 08:08

I love what @Edders71 suggested. But if you want a serious and final response, the key is not to over apologise or over explain. Because you've offered help, be clear about what you are prepared to offer. So somthing like:

Hi XXXX

We've had a think about your request and unfortunately that won't work for us at all, so I can't help in that way. If you need help with a food shop, I'd be able to do a quick wizz round the shops on Saturday and between 4-5 - would that be useful? Let me know.

Feliciacat

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/01/2023 08:08

Hasn't the hospital provided him with one, maybe, two black boots for walking around in? (Long, wrap around, velcro and straps for support). If not, Amazon will. If he really can't do stairs, even with these on, a camping toilet beats a commode - I'm sure he can charm a lend off someone else(!)

But not at your house, no. Absolutely not.

emptythelitterbox · 25/01/2023 08:07

Glad you're telling him no.

He has people to help him. Or can hire a home aid.

It'd be different if he was a genuinely good person and not a user in a bad spot but that is not this guy.

sweatervest · 25/01/2023 08:03

i wouldn't even bother replying to an ask like that. for all you know they have asked a few people so let someone else get mugged off.
he sounds like a complete pain in the arse/ankle/etc.

Beautiful3 · 25/01/2023 08:02

You could either ignore it or just say, sorry I can't because my partner works from home.

ButterCrackers · 25/01/2023 08:00

Say that no you can’t help. Don’t say sorry. He can get up and down his stairs with crutches. If he persists say that you have too much on to accommodate him. Is there a home nursing service? He could have a commode and then help with emptying it and cleaning it. He is not your responsibility. Say no and then don’t take his further calls or messages.

Blendandmix · 25/01/2023 07:53

@Edders71 love that

Blendandmix · 25/01/2023 07:52

Absolutely not. He sounds like a horrible friend.

FuppinNora · 25/01/2023 07:50

Just respond "that won't work for us".
Be clear and concise don't give him wriggle room. Alternatively just ignore the message like he did yours. In future decline any invitations and Lose this "friend".

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/01/2023 07:50

Absolutely not, you’re not a care home and they don’t sound like very good friends. Just say, sorry we aren’t in a position to offer that level of support.

Swipe left for the next trending thread