I’m 45 and due to do this next week

Women can have a baby at any age they want to and can still have one but I think they might underestimate how appealing the light at the other end of the tunnel is. Now granted I'm single so it was darker before the dawn but my dc2 is nearly 17 and I'm 52 and I'm so happy that I can finally get back a bit of freedom. For years I've been coming and going at work, yes, I have to be there for him still and I am, but I don't worry about how long my commute is. I'm going away for a few days after his 17th birthday! He'll be with DC1 who'll just have turned 20. I feel like I deserve this and had it coming a long long time!

The thoughts of having a 7 year old, eugh, not appealing.

I think these are the things I'd consider:

Age gap - mine are 5.5 years apart so I don't consider your 'age gap' as an issue, but maybe you do. I will say that the age difference was more 'difficult' in during some periods of their lives. An 8 year old doesn't want their 3 year old sibling wanting to involve themselves in the 10 year old's play with his mates. And a 16 year old certainly doesn't want an 11 year old tagging along to the movies or whatever. But that age gap difference 'narrows' as they get older and my two are thick as thieves since DS2 got to his early teens.

Relationship - Is your relationship stable? Is your DH an equal co-parent?

Finances - Are you and DH financially stable? Would you be financially able to parent alone if 'something' should happen? Would your financial plans for retirement head off the rails with the added expenses of another child? At 45, if you have to 'divert' some of your income to child costs, you wouldn't have the 'luxury' of years of making up those lost savings or pension contributions the way younger parents do.

Health - How is your general health and energy/stamina? Remember those early years? We often forget how physically taxing a baby, then a toddler can be. And remember that as we get older (especially if we're 'older' to begin with) we do lose some of our 'pep', and often some of our patience.

Longevity/Genetics - OK, I know this one is a real crapshoot and 'life happens', but still worth thinking about. Giving birth at 45, you want to have faith that you'll still be alive and kicking to get this baby grown, educated, and independent. Are your and DH's family 65+ year olds still active and full of energy (and patience)? Is there a history of early onset dementia or Alzheimers?

Retirement - DH and I retired in our mid-50s (I know we were lucky), with our sons grown and independent. We wouldn't have been able to do that if we'd had a 10 year old. But even if someone wants to retire in their early 60s it would be difficult with a child still in education, or if you were paying Uni fees. There's nothing wrong with thinking about the impact of being an older parent on one's own future plans.

I know a lot of what I'm saying is purely practical. And having a baby isn't always based on 'practicalities'. But I think my points are worth thinking about. And personally, I don't think that 'giving a child a sibling' is really a good reason to have a baby, if that's the main reason for doing it. Maybe you'll decide to go ahead, and I wish you all life's blessings. Maybe you'll decide to be happy and focus on the child you have, and in that case I wish you peace and joy with your decision.

I would! If you want one, you have this chance now. If you don't go for it you may regret it.

Her qn was v clearly stated at the end. What would you do, in the context of her circumstances.

Would you go for it, would you not go for it?

Less so would you call people silly for wanting to talk through opinions in a "safe" aka anonymous place.

Interesting that there's such a strong consensus regarding older parents.

I don’t know. I think the people you need to speak to are the 50s and over. How would they feel about having children to bring up? At 40 I have a 12 year old going through massive teenage dramas. I cannot imagine doing that when approaching my 50s or 60s.

You said yes, I do want another child

There's your answer OP, it doesn't matter what anyone on MN thinks, you want another child. Wishing you all the luck in the world

Good luck whichever decision / outcome life gives you.

Had my third at 36 and he's sucking all the energy out of me.... but he's also adorable!

An awful lot of people (whilst loving the actual child) do regret having one.
Having a child is a huge responsibility and not a decision to make because you think you might regret not doing it.

That's it true though, is it?

People often regret things they have done.

You only regret the things you don't do. You wouldn't regret a child.

@Cuppasoupmonster yes that’s a valid point!

100% agree. Funny, isn't it, how on Mumsnet there seems to be multiple dozens of posters on these type of threads that have had babies in their 40s. (At least two babies.) And they know of at least a dozen people who had two or three babies after the age of 42, even a few at 50+.

And yet in real life, nobody that I know had baby at 49/50 or older. I've known three people in my life, who had a baby after 45 (two at 45 and one at 46 actually... Literally just three people.) The vast majority of people I know have babies at less than 41/42. Most of them whilst in their 30s. (or 20s.)

And I have different circles of friends in different social classes before people come up with that stupid line ' IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE people have 2 or 3 babies in their 40s,' or 'they don't even have their FIRST baby til their 40s...!'

In real life, in the real world, very, very few people have a baby after the age of 44-45. If you were to believe some people on here, you'd think half the women in the country start having babies at 42-43, and are still having them at 49-52!

People also come out with the line 'MANY women had babies in their late 40s and early 50s before contraception.' But we all know it was their daughter's baby in the vast VAST majority of cases.

I also think it's strange that a thread like this pops up virtually once or twice a week on mumsnet.

I’d go for it and see what happens.

@theescapeladder a sibling would be much more beneficial to your DS than a few extra months of bfing which he won’t remember, I would go for it if I was you!

It’s called discussion, on a discussion forum! If the OP gets something out of it and others want to share their experiences then it’s not pointless to her. Clearly it’s pointless to you, so I’m not too sure why you are still here! But enjoy anyway

Why? They might say something she hasn’t thought of. Or she might just want to know what others think. What’s wrong with any of that?

I would go for it OP.

In fact I would love to have an embryo on the ice! I’m about to hit 43 and my miracle boy is 17 months. I find myself broodier than ever but as I am still breastfeeding (LO is a total boob monster 🙃) it creates an impossible dilemma for us… as I would have to stop or pause BF to have another go at IVF. It’s a tough choice and the clock is ticking. And starting a new cycle is a bigger challenge then a FET.

I don’t believe age is a factor, it’s just statistics. If you feel healthy enough and mentally ready for the challenge, you have a support of your family and friends to lean on to, plus you’re financially stable and your DH has got your back, I’d say why not?

All the best OP whichever your choice will be ☺️

Is there a reason you’ve waited until now to consider it?

At 47 I had twins (now nearly 3). Ideally I would have been younger having them, but I'm full of energy and very comfortable financially.
My parents are in their 90s and healthy (live alone, drive, etc), so hopefully I'll be the same.

I'd go for it. You already have a young child, so you're in the thick of the "small children" years anyway.

I could be in your position, with several embryos in the freezer aged 40 (frozen at 39). I don’t expect any of them to take tbh as we don’t make great or chromosomally normal embryos but if they did, I would transfer the remainder at an older age I think. The stats aren’t great so if it is meant to be, it will be, is how I see it.

For me, I would struggle to put our genetic material into clinical waste or add to our garden’s lost embryo collection (early mcs). There is also something called a compassionate transfer where they transfer at a time of your cycle where it won’t take - but it returns ‘home’. Not sure if they do that in the UK but I thought that sounded like a nice idea.

I'm adopted and my adoptive parents struggled to get pregnant, culminating in many miscarriages, etc. So in those days they had to have extensive tests to find out why they couldn't conceive and by the time they'd realised they weren't going to have their own child and wanted to adopt my Mum was 35 and my Dad 38. That was considered old to have children in the 70's but I have never felt like I missed out because my parents were significantly older than my peers parents, Dad was able to play with me as I grew up, football, kite flying, badminton, rounders and my Mum used to do keep fit with me and my friend when she was in her early fifties.

If you are thinking 45 is 'old' for the point of view of the child having older parents then don't worry, I'm sure you second child won't care one iota.

I think I'd do it - if it works then wahey another child that I wanted. If it doesn't then... Not to be too emotional about it, I'd prefer for the embryo to have been. "with" me, even for a little bit.

I'd try not to overcomplicate the thinking though. If it's not a "fuck yes" then it's a big fuck no.

I wouldn't do it, but I have more than one child already, I don't know how I would feel in your shoes.