Boarding school

That is a specific set of circs. At times boarding can be useful if home is not suitable/stable/safe. That is not what the thread is about, really.

Google a condition called ' boarding school syndrome'. It refers to children sent at around 8. Very interesting work regarding emotional stunting. You can't cry as an adult because if you cried as a child it was a signal to bullies that you were weak . None of the staff would have taken any notice if you so you just retreat inside yourself.

I cried watching it. One of the children had wanted to go but nonetheless was clearly deeply distressed by being separated from her mum.

That's exactly it, I think. Children want to do all kinds of things that seem like fun and they don't understand the full picture and all the consequences of that choice. This is completely normal - because they are children; and that is why adults will allow them appropriate freedoms but will also sometimes step in and 'spoil their fun' - because we have the age and experience that means we can see the big picture and the consequences.

Anybody who doubts or questions this need only ask most 8yos if they would like to continue with their current balanced diet or if they would prefer to become a full-time exclusive Choco-Haribotarian instead.

It is neglect. Doesn't matter how warm and lovely the staff are. Enforcing a situation where a child is not with its primary care giver (S) is neglect.

This is nonsense.

If your child is at boarding school you have outsourced the day-to-day parenting, you are no longer doing it. The parent knows it and the child knows it.

I know loads of people who have gone to boarding school. Most of them show some signs of it.

Me too. I know 4 people who went from a very early age and they are 4 of the most fucked up people i know, 2 are very institutionalised well into their 20s, all are emotional basket cases. One friend who went at 11, it took about 20 years for her relationship with her mother to begin to be restored.

Even full boarding has certain weekends reserved for home.

For me, that's just it, though: parents who split up and have many weekends without their children very frequently find it difficult, upsetting and far from what they would prefer, even though their child is spending the weekend with their other parent.

I don't get why you would actively choose to pay an organisation to split your precious weekends with your child with you. I realise that other people see it differently, but to me, the default for weekends (and evenings) is that you spend them with your parent(s), unless you have specifically arranged to do something different on occasion.

I watched documentary featuring a boarding prep school that's been linked to on MN before. It was really uncomfortable viewing watching girls of 8/9 learn to hide their distress and very obviously pretend they "love" it. The parents came across as determined to believe it was the best option for their kids. The school had various techniques and approaches around discouraging contact in early weeks that were patently designed to a) prevent parents from seeing what they were putting their children b) make the children learn to bury their emotions and accept being away from parents.

I cried watching it. One of the children had wanted to go but nonetheless was clearly deeply distressed by being separated from her mum.

"certain weekends"? So like one a month? Every two months? A term?

My 9 year old still needs loads of parental input and support. I cannot see many (any?) circumstances where it would have been better or even harmless for her to be without the primary caregivers who genuinely love her except for shcool holidays and the odd weekends. I really can't. Obviously if she didn't have that at home, or there were circumstances that made it beneficial for her to go, it might be different.

I know loads of people who have gone to boarding school. Most of them show some signs of it.

Seeing your child isn’t parenting its seeing your child

flexi boarding is flexi parenting

parenting is the day in day out of your life revolving around your children

I wish I’d been allowed to go to boarding school but my parents wouldn’t hear if it. Dad was in the forces and instead I moved around with them, a year here, maybe a couple of years somewhere else. One memorable year we were posted twice! By the time I left school I’d been to nine different schools. It was disruptive to my education and awful for forming any long term relationships.

Fortunately I think it’s different now but back in the 70s and 80s postings were frequent and even having a parent at home didn’t make any difference if you were forever moving house.

Maybe that’s the attraction for some parents.

I'm sure it is - but if the whole package of having and bringing up a child is not something that you want, there's no compulsion at all for you to have one in the first place. Many of us believe that parenthood is wonderful and an integral part of our lives, but it's also very hard work. Just as most people wouldn't choose to take a job that is rewarding, well-paid and good for career progression but requires a six-hour commute every day; if the day-to-day reality of children is not for you, it's 100% fine and a totally valid choice to make not to have them.

Boarding school syndrome generally refers to boarding schools in the past, which were nothing like today's boarding schools. Parents are always very much involved in their children 's lives, unlike in the past where some children went for weeks, months or even years without contact with their parents.

But you're still not living with your children for a very large part of their lives, by active choice. Like most parents, we both want to be much more involved than that - every day - with our DS, until he is grown up and makes his own way independently in the world. When he is an adult and able to look after himself, that's exactly what we expect he will do; but whilst he still needs to live with and rely on adults to be his main support system and bring him up in his childhood outside of normal school hours, we want those adults to be us - not (initial) strangers, who are only doing it for money and would stop doing it if we were no longer able or willing to pay for them to do so.

I don't think that's quite the same situation though ,my son has severe autism and learning disabilities,is 12 non verbal,extremely challenging at times at a special school etc,whilst a residential school isn't the right decision for our family
I have seen a friend place her child with very complex needs in one ,and he's thriving , it was an extremely difficult, decision. for her but she made it in her sons best interests ,I think it's a very different scenario to what the Op,is describing .

That's the point - they do see their children regularly. If it's flexi boarding then life is split between home and school. If weekly boarding, the children are at home at weekends. Even full boarding has certain weekends reserved for home.

🙄 Few people have had their life lived in public like Harry and few hold such public interest

I have a parent who went to boarding school at 11. It has a long term impact on people. I can see clear signs in my parent.

Parent in question would not send us, and i would never send my own children before about age 14 or 15 (if it was what they desperately wanted and there were other strong reasons) and even then only under a flexible/weekly model where they came home often.

My father died and I went to boarding school aged 8 and my DM went to live abroad. We don't all need to spill our guts like Harry!

That is a very different scenario to sending them because it’s what one does or your career is more important or you prefer someone else to do the hard bits.
In some circumstances it IS the best thing for the child but not in most cases

Very few children as young as 8 board these days. It’s usually extenuating circumstances. Some cases of ‘it’s how we’ve always done it’ of course but not so many these days.

DS was a day boy at a boarding school and boarded a couple of times. Liked it ok, but not enough to board any more often. DH was a day boy at the same school and really felt he missed out as in those days day boys were a minority. It’s switched a lot now. The prep boarding house is lovely. Has a lovely big open kitchen where the children can hang out in the evenings and have hot chocolate etc. The house parents are there. With their dog. They do lots of nice fun activities. Their rooms have bedding and things from home.

More children start boarding at 11 and even more at 13. And weekly boarding is very common now.

How are is a parent very much involved in their child’s life if they are not seeing them for weeks at a time

what by phone and videos calls ?

this may in some extreme cases be best for the child and their families but if not an extreme case how can this be considered parenting

My friend worked at one and she wasn’t totally critical of it. They had a lot of weekly boarders. Often there was a single mum in a professional role and it allowed her to work long hours during the week to have full weekends with her DC.
She said there are children who just never seem to go home though, sad. They had a lot of foreign students who wanted the prestige of an English education.

My friend allowed her sixth former to board and pulled her out after a week because they were all just doing what they wanted with no control.

I'm looking at a boarding school for my profoundly autistic DC. I'd give you 10 minutes with him before you wanted to do the same.

I'm sure your circumstances are very challenging, to the extent that you would very reasonably consider residential options that best serve and support your whole family; but the vast majority of children at boarding school are not in that position: neurotypical children with no significant additional needs, but their parents still choose to send them away for whatever reasons they prefer not to live with them for a huge chunk of their childhoods.

Boarding schools are awful, unnecessary and apart from in unusual circumstances no child should go. They cause long term damage in the majority of children who are sent there, how could they not? However “great” they are a child should be raised by their own family rather than people who don’t love them and are paid to do it.
As for people saying their child asked to go - I would be taking a close look at my relationship with my child if they asked to leave home at a young age.

Theres something called Boarding School Syndrome, which mainly refers to children of this age starting at boarding school

Boarding school syndrome generally refers to boarding schools in the past, which were nothing like today's boarding schools. Parents are always very much involved in their children 's lives, unlike in the past where some children went for weeks, months or even years without contact with their parents.

Unless there are really extenuating circumstances, I simply can't imagine being the parent of a child and then knowing that they are sleeping elsewhere every night - not just for a sleepover or staying with grandparents, but regularly, almost every night.

How could you reconcile it knowing that you have an 8/10/12yo, but your evenings and bedtimes are the same as they were before you were a parent? Doesn't it feel like something massive is just missing all the time?

Maybe that’s the attraction for some parents.