Boarding school

I know there are plenty of apologists but there’s now also plenty of research that shows boarding young children messes them up psychologically for life, aka ‘Boarding School Syndrome’: see Nick Duffell, Joy Schaverien, Alex Renton & others. Kind of obvious, really: have kids, dump them. It’s a very English phenomenon (designed to produce tough leaders to run an Empire) and lots of non-Brits view it with puzzlement. My college (at university) was chock-full of public school boarder-orphans and though I’d still count a few among my pals in general my own experience is that they frequently display signs of arrested/dysfunctional development: are often socially confident (to the point of thick-skinned) but acutely competitive (to the point of neurosis) yet underneath it anxious, often dishonest or avoidant, unable to form healthy attachments and have no/weak boundaries - actually (sorry to any early boarders on here) I know no ‘normal’ ex-boarders. They’re a car-crash, bless ‘em. That said, usually they’d consider that a compliment

I am in New Zealand and remember meeting a women who was here from UK with her husband while he was on a job transfer. Their son was about to turn 8, and when he did he was going to be sent back to England to attend boarding school while his parents stayed in NZ.

She was dreading it, but explained he had to attend the 'right' prep school in order to get into the 'right' college and then the 'right' university, etc. Not something I can really understand, but I guess there must be a different mindset for people who do it.

I know of a family who’s 3 DCs boarded despite the parents never having overseas postings and largely staying in one area. Apparently ‘convenience’ was the reason.
The eldest dc went completely off the rails, the dd has never forgiven her parents and the youngest has a very dysfunctional life.
Ok, boarding school may not be the only reason but there’s little else to account for how the DCs lives have turned out many years later (they’re all in their 40’s now)

I've been reading this thread through and suddenly had a thought.

What if a mother decided it would be better all around if she lived away from home, nearer to her work, but so the family didn't have to move? What if she didn't see or speak to her 11 year old for the first 6 weeks, to help them adjust, and then saw them for exeat equivalents - so maybe 3 - 4 weekends a term?

Said child is still in their home, with their dad, who, say, works school hours only, and available to support extra curricular life, from sports to friends having sleepovers.

That mother would be thought baffling and bizarre, and no one would think it was the right thing for the child.

My dad, and 2 of his brothers all boarded. All completely screwed up. The one brother who went to the local school (they ran out of money) has become the most successful, and most content of them all. I know lots of other awful stories/ results, but obviously my dad is the one I've seen up close.

As to children with severe disability, the relevant schools are just the modern day equivalent of "putting them in a home", entirely necessary, and entirely different.

I was a day pupil at a Boarding school and I remember fellow pupils telling me that they were there because their Dad worked in XYZ or whatever. I used to think but what about your Mum?
If DH had to take a job abroad he would be going on his own or not taking it if it meant our DC going to Boarding school.

Why do the Forces family do this they know having children will change things

i cant get my head around a non working partner to the one in the forces trails behind and leaves the child to board

seems like the childs 's needs come last imo

I went to an independent school that had day and boarding. I was 9. Knew of a few boarders who had a great time and I really wanted to do weekly boarding and tried to convince my parents to send me. They didn’t and I was gutted

I went to a school that had primary borders. They all seem very different. Much quieter and didn’t interact with the rest of us so much. I stayed overnight a very few times with the borders in their dorms and they were dull spaces, large rooms with lots of bunk beds and boring brown bedside table per lodger. Felt more like a bunkhouse than a bedroom. Not cosy or homely in any way.

Can’t imagine anyone wanting to pay that much for their kid to live there. Nanny would be much better choice.

@EndlessRain1 they didn't have that choice unfortunately - pub trade so both parents worked and the accommodation was with the pub (so the wages were lower reflecting that)

I did manage to go to one school from year 9-11 which was helpful, but they had all be taking German since year 7 and it was compulsory GSCE... so I had missed out on 2 years of that and had to get up to speed to do it at GCSE

This is one of the situations where I could maybe understand it. But then again, I know several people in the forces where they chose to set up a base somewhere once they had children and the deployed parent (in the cases I know, always the dad) would work away. That would presumably be the better choice for the child.

Pub trade not forces but same
I think it would have given me stability at the school that I didn't have at home because of how many times we moved
One school I was at for just 8 weeks

I was sent at 10 and absolutely hated it. I tried so hard to be brave but the loneliness and homesickness were constant and utterly miserable. There was no love or care in that place, just control. A place filled with lonely, frightened children, like a prison. No little girl wants to leave home at 10 to live amongst harsh strangers.

This vid is very good indeed: - Rosemary Lamaison and Piers Cross talk about their experience of BS. Rosemary is especially good, very informative, down to earth and clear.

It really depends on the home situation and the child's temperament.

If the family is moving constantly, has health issues or parents who are never home for tea or bedtime anyway, some children may thrive (relatively) in the stability and opportunities that come with boarding school.

But I don't think for most children and most families it is the best option.

My spouse went aged almost 8, having shown them this thread they 100% echo the notion that there's no better ideal than being at home with parents.

Of the three who were aged 8 or close in age my spouse is hugely effected every day by classic boarding school syndrome, had ongoing therapy regarding feelings of abandonment and never being enough.

Sadly one of the three commited suicide in early 20's, years of troubles before hand. Other one is also struggling as an adult.

I think the main issue is you are encouraged to 'put on a facade' of everything's perfect. School life HAS to be shown to be perfect by the pupil to the parents, parents are too absorbed in their career in some instances to really have the time to commit to making sure the child is ok.

In instances of young children whose parents are working overseas etc contact really is limited. Few times a year at most.

You have to consider these children are also not often going anywhere at exeat weekends so again the sense of being abandoned is highlighted.

The school the OP mentioned has a fair few children whose parents are overseas on government postings hence the need for the younger age boarders facility.

DS boarded from 8. We lived rurally and were in poverty. He got a full scholarship. He started as a weekly boarder but soon asked to stay weekends. He had far more opportunities than we could ever provide if he had been at home. He looks fondly at his time there
He switched school at 14, again on scholarship. That was a disaster!
Would I do it again? No!
I know boarding school syndrome exists, but to be honest, given the number of state/ day school pupils with MH problems surrounding school attendance, I think the majority probably would have issues wherever they went.

How do you know they thrived? Maybe they are fucked up as adults now.

They are still very close friends

Exactly this. People with money dismissing the views of others because what could these peasants possibly know!

I think boarding at a very good and nurturing school can be the best option if the home life is not satisfactory, which might be for a range of a reasons. Much like foster care.

I would say that all the boarders I have known have been emotionally damaged by it, with the exception of three who boarded only from 15 or 16. All girls. Even in some of them there are certain issues, and for less confident or more introverted personality types I think it would still not work well even in mid teens.

How do you know they thrived? Maybe they are fucked up as adults now.

By certain lifestyle do you mean a roof over their head food and warmth? For most people, working full time is the only way to achieve that and is in no way comparable to sending kids to boarding school.

ref PP who said it was roughly 3 times a term.

Ps my dp boarded from. 10, his children did NOT board. He blames early boarding for his mental health issues

My cousin was traumatised when sent to boarding school at the age of 8 (uncle was in the military)... It's too young.

@SavoirFlair

ok that’s good. I know more than one diplomat. Taking one example, her children didn’t go with her. I don’t think it’s “nonsense” for me to share a different set of lived experiences

Maybe you shouldn't take that opportunity at the consulate in Tajikistan or wherever if you have young children, in the same way most of us recognise that we have restrictions on our careers when we have dependent children.

I personally think 8 is too young, my dd was offered a place at 9 and I turned it down, but there are circumstances where boarding school is the right choice for that family, certainly from 11 it's fairly common in very rural communities and military families. Boarding school is also sometimes a way of supporting grandparents/other relatives who have been asked to foster children due to care proceedings, I know a person whose grandchildren weekly board in these circumstances. There are state boarding schools remember, my dd boarded at one!