Boarding school

That should say shite not white.

@Hoppinggreen yes. Lives full time with me but boards two nights. Occasionally a whole week if I'm in the US, according to some people on this thread though this is still a white thing to do!

Interestingly, as far as I’m aware, although many have gone down the route of private school not one has decided to board their children.

I work with a lot of people who boarded, it’s that kind of industry. It affected them all adversely- IMHO- you’ve never met people with more issues around trust, attachment, interacting with others.
Many have that jolly hockey sticks bravado, but it doesn’t take much to see behind the insecurity, and when they start talking about their experiences even the ‘funny’ ones it’s like listening to army veterans dragging out their war stories.

So they live with you but board a couple of nights a week?
Thats a completely different thing to sending your child across the country/world and them just visiting their “home” during holidays
I don’t think anyone here is judging what you do

A family member age 10 is at Boarding school.
When I go to collect her for a weekend I get mobbed!!

There were a few mentions of residential settings for children with severe needs. I appreciate this is to be an access issue as, my understanding is that the placement that suits your child's needs may be miles/hours away.

I think it was a Scandinavian documentary I was watching where every city had a small enclosed village - there was one for older people with dementia and another for children who needed full time 2 to 1 specially trained SNA/Carers.

To me it seemed a more progressive model - easier access - some if very limited access to a community. I appreciate it is a very rose tinted glasses but surely a model where parents could at least have local access to see their child progressing/being cared for would benefit the whole family.

I'd say that children who only see their Dad EOW would also have a worse relationship with them than if they lived together so not sure I get your point.

Flexi boarding isn’t the same as only seeing your child, say once a month, or less.

Its funny as when access to non-resident dads is discussed, the minimum usually is every other weekend plus once in the week, so the child sees them, otherwise it affects their ability to build a relationship. Apparently it’s not fine seeing either parents for weeks though if you board.

I know just what you mean about that buzz. The excitement of someone of being around someone who actually wants to nurture, it's thrilling! Me and my brother were horribly neglected and we've talked about the mother figure thing as he does it too, but I didn't realise it was common. My job has brought me into contact with a lot of older women and many of them had that nurturing trait and I've enjoyed it very much.

I think it’s probably more common than you think. Terrible really - I felt an intense buzz as a kid being around these kinds of women.

@Tandees, re being fascinated by motherly women, yes I do that and have had a long line of mother figures in my life. Didn't realise it was a 'thing'.

Yes, in my first year of boarding. She seemed ancient but on reflection was probably just retirement age, funny what you remember. It was quite a ‘there, there’ type of affection but beggars can’t be choosers.

As a side point, I have developed a bit of a tik tok habit and it is full to bursting with ‘therapists’. One thing I learned was that it is common for neglected kids to develop fixations with adults. This was me 😮 I remember being fascinated by women I perceived to be nurturing or ‘motherly’. Did anyone else do that? Long story short, boarding school is bad news imho.

most mission organisations now would not recommend children going to boarding school at primary age.
most would encourage home schooling or local schooling due to the harm boarding school does to young children.
They have changed and moved on due to the evidence that has come out about how harmful it is.

@Tandees, you got cuddles? In all the years I boarded, there was never one cuddle. I do recall a nurse who'd let you hold her hand when we out walking in a crocodile, but sadly she didn't stay long.

I’m 35 now so I’m going back years but I boarded from 7. Parents were separated, but both were alcoholics who absolutely despised being parents.

I didn’t hate boarding and it was preferable to being home. But I vividly remember pretending to fall over in the evenings and ‘hurt myself’ so that the house Mistress would cuddle me. The houses themselves were quite nice but I went to a very ‘traditional’ setting and there was rather a lot of funny business from a couple of male teachers and of course no escape from it.

I largely liked school though but I am incredibly ‘resilient’ now. Not an entirely good thing. I wouldn’t dream of sending my children to board.

This gets rehashed regularly on mn and despite any evidence or studies showing the effects you will still find people who defend it.

the research (and no I don't have links to it) shows quite clearly that sending children aged 8 away from home for school has on balance a negative pyschological experience for those kids. It can have lifelong effects and is basically a bad thing.
On the basis of that research, personally I think all boarding schools for primary aged children should have been closed due to them harming children. But money talks.

Boarding school at secondary aged is altogether different. It can be a very positive experience for some. It can provide opportunities that are not available elsewhere (music/sport etc) it can provide stability in a child's life.
But so much depends on the child and the school, and even the individual staff in a boarding house.

Mad isn’t it. There are NO circumstances where your 8 year old is better off in an institution, bar extreme medical needs that you can’t provide.

And flexi boarding a teen as a lone parent to enable work is absolutely nothing like the same as fully boarding an 8 year old! I would have none of the issues I’ve had with boarding if I just stayed a night or two per week. No issue with that at all, no different to a sleepover with a friend each week. And there are positives to boarding, I just think in most cases (full) boarding cones with more negatives. I actually think a night or two per week would maximise positives with very little negative.

i boarded (just weekly) from 9 as I asked to as friends were. I was very homesick though then fully boarded from 12 but could still go home most weekends (so most of us did). It has had knock on effects into adulthood (not mental health just choosing absent men!) and I had a really good experience of it comparatively. I can still feel the Sunday anxiety at going back.

yanbu apart from in very extenuating circs eg my friend had an abusive father and school was a safe haven for her. Although I will also say many schools now, especially at prep school level, operate a flexi boarding system where dc can choose to stay a night or two (or none) per week. That seemed to work well for family members dc. They still fully boarded (with quite a few issues) from 12 ish though.

@Pinkyxx same here. Single parent and couldn't work without the flexi boarding....apparently though that makes us shit parents.

You can't win though as a single mum. Everyone has a bloody opinion on us.

My DD (13) boards a couple of nights a week. I'm a single Mum and couldn't work without this. Her best friend at school boards full time and has since age 8. While I personally wouldn't want to have my child board at 8, I understand that her parents both being military and on tour in Afghanistan at the time felt boarding was the best option. They didn't choose where they were deployed.. she has fond memories of boarding at that age, albeit she acknowledges that she missed home.

My 3 brothers boarded, as did my father and his siblings. I didn't. I'd say that like with everything in life certain things work for certain people, and not others. It's the same with boarding. You put a child not equipped / suited to boarding in a boarding school and they will be miserable. Interestingly, my daughter was utterly miserable as a day pupil in her state primary, bullied, no friends, resisting school etc. She was academically strong so I put her forward for competitive entry schools. We took the offer received from on of the top UK boarding schools. She's transformed, thriving, happy, made friends and soaring academically so much so she's receiving awards. That said, I've seen some pupils at her school who are not in any way right for boarding - they are so unhappy. As a parent you have to try and do what is right for your child, although I accept some have little choice - like the forces.

I flexi board two nights a week because I'm a lone parent and have to travel for work.

DD13 thankfully loves it.

Good to know I'm not parenting right though

YANBU I have acquaintances who are Christian mission workers in Japan, Brazil and several countries in Africa. Where they were located meant they needed an English school that would catch them up if they came back to the UK for stints. All the children had significant separation trauma although their parents effectively had no choice. Two of their schools had abuse inquiries and were closed. The healthiest and happiest children were the two who stayed with their parents and were taught to read in a village school in Zambia. Yes, they had some academic issues back home, but they caught up fast rather than needing lifelong therapy.

Haha, boarding schools are hell on earth, or maybe just the ones I attended I wouldn't send my worst enemy to one. The difference between day schools and boarding schools is stark. You can't escape from anything, it's just relentless. And if you dare to try and tell anyone anything what has happened you will get taught a very severe lesson to make sure you don't do speak up again! Sexual assaults are common and happen everyday but nobody mentions them, because it drags down the school's name. Bullying and hierarchy rules. If you're small, you're kept as a 'pet'. I honestly think back sometimes at what took place and wonder "how did you even survive that, Keyan!?"