Boarding school

Completely agree. I think deciding to have children knowing that you're going to send them away at eight years old is psychopathic. How can you possibly know they'll be the type who 'loves it'?

My DS is eight and was worried about going to his cub's sleepover! The thought of him being away from home and missing us is devastating. I guess military children know they have no choice so try and mask it.

@themimi foster care can be warm and loving with good ‘staff’… would you advocate for that if parents have awkward jobs?

I know a lot of ex boarders, the youngest being - two went at 3 years old, one at 6 and two at 8. They all hated it, were desperately sad and frightened. Non of them have gone on to be ‘high achievers’ from the ‘excellent education’ they were apparently given (one machinist in a factory, one forklift driver, one builder, one gardener and a primary school teacher- all perfectly good jobs but not the barrister/doctor/business leader jobs people think they will get).

3 I know who went at 11 to Summer Hill have done better, but still have emotional issues.

Why have children to send them to boarding school? If your career is the most important thing that's absolutely fine, its not compulsory to have children.

Yes, I agree. It's possible to have a lot of careers as well as children, but if you have both parents so completely focused on their careers to the extent that they are unable/unwilling to actively parent their children, I wonder why they didn't just stay child-free.

I know that it isn't the same thing, but although I like dogs, I see the whole package of dog ownership and it really doesn't fit in with how we want and need to live our lives at all - the needs they have and the freedoms they take away from you; so we make the choice to not have a dog.

I know that loads of adult children have a wonderful relationship with their parents, but surely this is usually based on the foundation of having been brought up by them and shared your life and childhood with them - when those strong bonds are forged?

I know that not all children have the privilege of this experience and upbringing, for numerous reasons; but why the parent would actively choose this separation, I simply cannot fathom. Considering the cost of boarding school, you'd think that the parents would be in a reasonably good position to offer stability to the children; it's hardly something that underprivileged and chaotic households would normally be in a position to afford as an option in the first place.

I'm looking at a boarding school for my profoundly autistic DC. I'd give you 10 minutes with him before you wanted to do the same.

other people think differently about stuff non-shocker. Bore off.

Unless the school purely benefits the child (I think some residential schooling can) then I think it’s a very strange set up to send your child away and pass over a huge part of your parenting

I’ve known many who have been sent to boarding school they either loved it or hated it, the once’s that hated it have been left traumatised. The ones that loved it I am sure they would have loved schooling anyway

Exactly. I know many diplomats through my work and their kids always move with them. My parents also had to move countries several times when I was a kid and I went to six different schools in different countries. They always took me with them.

At what point has it been this way? I know someone whose schooling was paid for up until a few years ago whose circumstances weren't as you noted but their education was paid for. I also know someone aged 30 whose education was also covered in this way (same family)

One parent posted, one stayed in uk, education up to 18 paid for. Had this conversation with the one who was working for 'foreign office'

Daughter of a dipliomat here.

We always went with my dad. It was a great life. Everyone I knew in the diplomatic community took their families unless circumstances didn't allow it (no decent local school, or kids in a critical year). Perhaps the British foreign service is culturally different, but it is perfectly possible to include your family in your plans as a diplomat without shipping them off to boarding school.

Also, there is some choice involved, so you can to some extent pick postings that are suitable forfamily life.

I have an 8 year old. The idea of it breaks my heart. He still needs us for so many little things - as independent as he is now.

Unless there are really extenuating circumstances, I simply can't imagine being the parent of a child and then knowing that they are sleeping elsewhere every night - not just for a sleepover or staying with grandparents, but regularly, almost every night.

How could you reconcile it knowing that you have an 8/10/12yo, but your evenings and bedtimes are the same as they were before you were a parent? Doesn't it feel like something massive is just missing all the time?

It saddens me enough to think of how different it's going to be when our DS is grown up and no longer living with us - I can't for the life of me understand why people would choose to accelerate that, whilst they are still very much children.

It's all very well children reading Enid Blyton and Harry Potter and seeing the fun bits of boarding school; but to me, it's not just a sleepover or a midnight feast with friends (and there's no saying that you will get on with all your school mates at all, and if you get targeted by bullies and mean kids, there's no escape from them) - it's like you've actively transferred away from your actual family to a replacement family setup; you're no longer living with a family that will love you unconditionally, but rather one where you always have to work and hope for acceptance.

I know lots of adults who went to boarding school as children and they all absolutely hated it.

For age 13+? Maybe weekly bowrding is ok. Younger than that is cruel.

My concern is, that there is something that is making her unhappy at home, if she is wetting the bed and wants to go to boarding school.

Boarding school frequently results in documented trauma based personality types.

Why have children to send them to boarding school? If your career is the most important thing that's absolutely fine, its not compulsory to have children.

I think this is such a good balance, sounds amazing. My DD is year 12 in a school with boarding. She was surprised how many of her peers do a couple of nights a week boarding and it said it looks really good fun. She still doesn't want to do it though but if she did I would be more than happy for her to do it and would have done from the age of about 13

There is a documentary on CBBC about life in a boarding school. Obviously not going to show them crying etc, but it gives an insight into the workings.

I think you have to see the modern day schools to have an opinion. One of my dc has boarded a couple of nights a week since 8. They'll move up to full boarding one day. They love it. I didn't want them to but they desperately wanted to.
People judge but I work ft as does dh childcare costs are phenomenal in the U.K., two nights a week at school plus school giving dinner ever evening is affordable in comparison to anything that covers our working hours!

So many judgy people here. My friend sent his boys to boarding school because their mum had early dementia and home was a scary and at times dangerous place. Boarding school gave them stability and a peaceful childhood.
They both have a very close relationship with their father they are now adults. And loved their time at boarding school.

Of course there would be a diplomatic service without boarding. This isn’t the nineteenth century.

I’m ex dip service. The majority of people I knew/know with primary aged kids either took London postings until their kids reached secondary, or took their dc with them. I only knew two exceptions.

One sent her dc to boarding school from age 10. She says they are happy and thriving, but the frequency with which she gushes about this makes me wonder. But maybe she just feels the need to defend her choices! I believe she boarded herself, so it’s normal to her.

The second was a very senior and rather old school type. He sent his dc from age 8. I remember him mentioning that his ds was finding it very hard and ringing home in tears constantly. He was mystified about this; his dd had been fine apparently.

The thing that I boggled at was that they were London based at the time, with at least a year or two until he went overseas. He said it was so that his ds ‘could get used it while they were nearby’, but I just couldn’t fathom why that was better than him having another year or two at home. Especially as he was clearly struggling.

Some of these stories are so sad :(

my mum boarded from 11, my uncle boarded from 6. their parents travelled extensively for work and my mum was allowed to accompany them but my uncle wasn't, mostly due to a sexist attitude that a son's education not suffering from all the travel was far more important than a daughter's. my mum blames the boarding for the fact that her brother has never been able to keep a functional loving relationship going and that his two children (now adults) also show significant psychological effects from having an emotionally stunted father (though possibility are are other contributory factors too)

I agree with the pp who said that having a child who is actually ok with being away from their parents so much at that age is a sign of general failure as a parent. its right and healthy for young children (under 10) to be closely attached and need daily family contact at that age. a lot of the traditional boarding families will also have had full time nannies of course. possibly also a night nanny and day nanny such that parents have never had a great deal of day to day contact. if that's all you have known then maybe boarding school isn't much different.

No issues at all with teenager boarding, it's totally normal for adolescents to want a bit less family contact and to spend more time with peers and I am sure it can be brilliant.

I boarded at age 11. The school was OK, and I guess I had some opportunities for activities that I would not otherwise have had. However. to this day have vivid memories of the sheer awful miserable depths of homesickness which hit every time I came back from holidays, half term or day visits home. There is no way I would do that to my child.

No matter how lovely they are, they are strangers and, unless you have no alternative, there is no good reason for sending an 8 year old to live amongst strangers. I fully accept that for some people there is no choice, but realistically that's a limited number.

And no child of 8 loves being sent away to boarding school.

Boarding school syndrome is real. I have met so many people who suffer from a childhood in boarding school.

Sending young children away is, let's be honest, an odd and emotionally risky thing to do. Humans have a long period between birth an maturity and we have been pretty much organised in family units within communities for a very long time in almost all societies.

There are times when boarding school provides a stability that home can not - e.g. with parents in the forces - but it just can never be better than being at home with loving parents. People who were happy at boarding school exist - but that does not mean boarding school is a risk worth taking when the evidence is irrefutable that what is best for kids is a supportive family environment.

My view is if you got through boarding school unscathed you are a lucky survivor of a toxic system.

To clear up any misconceptions about boarding school allowance (Continuity of Education Allowance)...

• its a percentage of fees, not the full amount. Its capped at approx £8000 a term... it definitely doesn't cover the prestigious schools without a massive top up from parents
• there is tight eligibility criteria. The serving parent has to ve fully mobile i.e moves at least every two years. A lot of people stay in one base for a lot longer than that so aren't eligible. Eligibility can change at any stage- its not until the child is 18
• rank doesn't matter... Private or General.
• they investigate fraud. Your partner living in the family home not on base is fraud for example.

I'd never heard of boarding school syndrome. I've just been reading about it and it's reduced me to tears. It's so accurate