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Original poster

Moved to rural area and hate it

161 replies

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 17:55

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 25/01/2023 12:34

I really don't think he is open to moving back. I do suffer from depression on and off and I think he thinks this is just a phase I'm going through and I'll be the same when we get back to dublin.

He is a great husband but to be honest I'm not sure if we all want to move back he would come with us 😔

I haven't heard from the schools yet so waiting on that.

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 25/01/2023 12:34

I really don't think he is open to moving back. I do suffer from depression on and off and I think he thinks this is just a phase I'm going through and I'll be the same when we get back to dublin.

He is a great husband but to be honest I'm not sure if we all want to move back he would come with us 😔

I haven't heard from the schools yet so waiting on that.

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

I'm based in leitrim / roscommon area and its so hard to make friends. Everyone is so established in friendships and a lot of people have lived here all their lives and so have their parents , grandparents etc so they know everyone!!

OP posts:
ItsaMetalBand · 25/01/2023 12:33

I moved from a small Irish city to a very rural area too. While I'm originally from the countryside, all my adult life was in towns and cities.

He's saying that you'd feel differently if you had more friends, right? Well, when we moved I knew nobody in the area. They all knew DH of course, but not me. So I joined the parents association at school, and within a few months had made several friends. A few years on from that and we do regular nights out and coffee in each other's houses. I also do a hobby in the local town once a week and the other women there are another source of friends.

Childminding is also quite an isolating job - any adults you deal with are the parents of your mindees and there's a professional barrier there to befriending them. Are there local towns where you could work with grown-ups?

But, you do need to BOTH be able to drive. Or at least have a network of other parents who can pool and share the burden with you, or both options.

I commute 3 days a week so when I'm in the local city for work, so I have access those days to the likes of Next, Dunnes, etc. I wouldn't cope if DH couldn't or wouldn't drive! and I'm country stock so I am well used to having to drive to get a pizza!

In my case I hated living in Dublin during Uni, and love the countryside so I do see your husband's point of view. And then yours is the polar opposite. Neither are wrong though...

Does it have to be Dublin/The Sticks or could you compromise, and move to the nearest decent town? That way your H could do a shot commute to his job with minimal traffic commuting outwards, you get that more urban setting that you and the kids would like and everyone gets something?

forrestgreen · 25/01/2023 12:17

A family discussion
Ask everyone to do pluses and minuses of living in different locations. Say you'll be able to visit the country also.

Sadly it's not just about one of you

mamamalt · 25/01/2023 12:10

Where abouts are you OP?
Sorry if you've already said, I've not time to rtft but I'm in a town in Galway if you need a pal! We moved from England 18months or so ago. We contemplate country living sometimes but I couldn't do it for the reasons you give. Just sending some solidarity ❤️

Roselilly36 · 25/01/2023 12:06

You are a family, and all deserve to be happy. From your posts your DH seems to be the only family member who enjoys rural living, that seems an unfair split to me. Life is too short to feel miserable about where you live OP.

How did you leave the conversation with DH? Is he amenable to the possibility of moving back or will he not consider it an option at all even with the knowledge that you are unhappy?

Mirabai · 25/01/2023 11:51

Well I think he’s only looking at the positives of your current place.

Is he feeling awful about how unhappy you are there and like he’s letting you down?

Has he come with a plan for a chauffeur?

I think he’s letting the whole family down personally.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 25/01/2023 11:36

Oh god ladies I feel awful!!!

Had a chat with dh the other day about how I'm struggling living here and miss dublin and want to go back. He was devastated 😔 I made a list of all the things I miss about dublin and also the things I do actually like about living here.

There were lots of tears and dh said he thinks I'm only looking at the positives of dublin. He said maybe if i had friends down here I wouldn't feel this way. I didn't have tons of friends in dublin either but definitely had people I could chat to.

It just feels awful now as he loves it here and really doesn't want to go back at all and I feel like I'm letting him down coz I don't want to be living here.

What do I do????

OP posts:
Swissmountains · 18/01/2023 12:07

I am so glad you have decided op and you sound very strong about it too.
Of course you can enjoy so many years at the rural cottage still, you are so lucky to have both. Your dh is not 'losing' his rural life, he is gaining a mixture of both.
It can't be all about his needs anyway! There are four more of you to consider, and although your middle child likes it, he can always come back in the holidays.

fast forward five years you will be so relieved you made this decision! The alternative really will be you out on the country roads every weekend at 1am (assuming your teens will ever make friends there and have a social life)

Don't get absorbed with other stuff, focus on the move back.
Let everyone know you are heading home and will be celebrating with a party in the summer!! 💃Time to live op!!

Crikeyalmighty · 18/01/2023 11:53

Your rural property will be great for visits or to let out for rural air bnb. It's no life for the average teen unless they have masses of local friends, madly into horses etc - and it's no life for you clearly- so unless he wants to separate I suggest your H accepts it's only really him it suits

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Thanks so much for the input I'm so glad to hear of other people in my situation and to feel like moving back to dublin is the right thing to do

I do feel guilty that my dh will hate it but we will still have the house here to visit especially when it's nice weather I'm not against visiting in the summer at all but just can't live here anymore

It's great to hear from teenagers and parents of teens that have agreed country living is hard

Also the house is so cold even with the heating on all day 🥶🥶

OP posts:
SnackyOnassis · 18/01/2023 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 11:32

Never thought of that I'll look into it thanks

OP posts:
Mirabai · 18/01/2023 10:44

Can you Airbnb the rural property when you’re not there?

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 10:01

Also the dh is going to argue that we'll have less money as we won't have the rent coming in from the house in dublin but I think I'd rather have less money and be happy with where I live than have more money and hate it ??

OP posts:
Squamata · 18/01/2023 09:50

Can I come and live with you in Dublin, OP? I'd love, love, love to live there! :)

I'd stay in Dublin til the kids are uni/college age, then consider moving somewhere a bit half-and-half suburbanish within easy reach of Dublin, wouldn't that be the best of both worlds?

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 09:47

This is exactly what I think!! To believe that you know where they are all the time is crazy

My plan is to move in the summer as it'll be easier for the kids to finish out the year in the primary school especially the eldest in 6th class

Say a prayer for me the old school has space for them 🤞🤞

OP posts:
Cherryflavouranything · 18/01/2023 09:41

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 20:49

Thanks for all the replies I'm going to have another chat about it with him.

It's not feasible to sell the property in dublin as we have such a high mortgage on it I wouldn't have anything left over to buy another property

I would consider renting somewhere near where we live now but closer to better amenities but I've been looking and the renting is non existent I'll keep looking though.

He also is trying to get a business up off the ground but I do have to help a lot with that to and its run from home (he does courses teaching how to survive in the wild) and I'm dreading another year of that and all the extra work it brings. He could still do it if we lived in dublin he would just have to travel down here once a month for a couple of days which I think is doable

I dread to think what it's going to be like when they are teenagers and want to be dropped here there and everywhere 😭😭 whereas dh thinks it'll be great coz at least he'll know where they are all the time

Having been a teen who grew up in the (very) rural countryside, I can confirm:

you definitely won’t know where they are all the time. You’ll just know where you dropped them off.

Not being able to get a taxi back after going out, I’d go for “sleepovers” but I was never ever where I was supposed to be.

Mirabai · 18/01/2023 09:29

I totally agree that you shouldn’t wait too long for your DH. If leaving him to cope with driving for a while doesn’t make your point for you - then you just need to put your foot down.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 09:11

Thanks so much everyone for all the input I've contacted the schools in dublin where we used to live to see about getting the kids back in there so I'll have to wait on that. The thoughts of another summer ahead where the kids are stuck at home all the time unless we bring them somewhere fills me with dread!! 🤣

OP posts:
Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 19:03

I wouldn't wait for your dh to see the light op, he will probably manage the driving better than you, because he isn't juggling a million other things.

We live rurally, and it can be hard. My dd is passing her test now (17) and she can then drive, she doesn't drink so there is no issue but I would be worried about her if she did. We do so much driving though and it is very tiring. My dc will invite friends here to sleep over and go into town together, but we are often doing hours of driving seven days a week.

It can be done if you love the country air, and have special friends and a lovely life, and a bit of driving is no great shakes for the other benefits but honestly you sound so isolated and miserable. It just isn't worth it. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Be decisive and go back, your teens will most certainly thank you - and you will be happy, your dh will get used to it again.

I have found many of my friends that stayed on in places they didn't like have now got trapped there, as once the dc get jobs and girlfriends you will never prise them away.

There is a window to escape - do take it!!

Roselilly36 · 16/01/2023 19:41

OP if I was in your shoes, I would insist on moving back to the city.

If my DH had problems with his vision I really wouldn’t want him driving himself or my kids around tbh.

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 17:55

OnMyWayToSenility · 16/01/2023 15:45

I personally think it's an awful move and agree with you very isolating, as your teens get older they need to go out and have good transport links. Other wise they end up staying with mates in towns. Which is fine but not much fun.

We moved to a rural town and thank god we have great trains and buses nearby. Our home has become and teen sleepover destination for the ones who live in the middle of no where!
So glad I stayed in town.

Same here, we are very urban and I have a cupboard full of bed mats, sleeping bags and pillows for sleepovers , tooth brushes too🙄for the kids that bunk down here regularly.

I felt sorry for parents collecting kids at 12-1am from nearby parties so they would stay here and head off early.

We share lifts with parents, but if you are 30 minutes in your own direction you do it all yourself and at 17-19, that could be every weekend. Parents end up with absolutely no down time at all, always clock watching.

Also I like to be in bed for 11pm so sitting up waiting to collect EVERY weekend sounds hellish to me.

Monjardin12 · 16/01/2023 15:54

For me, poor wifi would be the deciding factor. Can't you persuade your husband to move back to Dublin?

OnMyWayToSenility · 16/01/2023 15:45

I personally think it's an awful move and agree with you very isolating, as your teens get older they need to go out and have good transport links. Other wise they end up staying with mates in towns. Which is fine but not much fun.

We moved to a rural town and thank god we have great trains and buses nearby. Our home has become and teen sleepover destination for the ones who live in the middle of no where!
So glad I stayed in town.