Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moved to rural area and hate it

161 replies

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 17:55

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

OP posts:
Paddington42 · 12/12/2023 00:05

Did you move back to Dublin? Sounds like you and both your child would be much happier. The countryside isn’t always the best place for sociable people who like life around them to interact with and there aren’t many people to choose from to form friendships with.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 20:03

Thanks so much for your input I really appreciate.

He definitely could still do the bushcraft here the course are run on the weekend once a month from March till Sept so not even that often. He could get the train from dublin to here amd maybe have a car at the train station or parked at our friends house that could easily work and I would be open to coming down when the course is on the help out

My middle child has now been crying for the second night in a row saying he's lonely here and misses his old friends. I think it's because our eldest was talking to a friend from dublin a couple of days ago and it has set him off.

I'm so stressed out with the whole thing 🙈

OP posts:
sw1rl3d · 26/01/2023 19:24

This sounds a really difficult situation.

My couple of pennies worth.

  1. You can do bushcraft in /around a city. I used to work for an urban wildlife charity and we had someone who ran sessions on our site. You have to be more creative and work harder, but it is a thing.
  1. Can he arrange it so he is going out to the country place on a regular rotation to run his courses? I presume they are at the weekend?

Could he could go down for a few days before/after to prep/get his country fix?

Could he could split the week and travel back and forth? Or do one week there, one week in Dublin.

This does mean you spending less day to day time together as a family but there are plenty of people who travel for work or are based away from their family for long periods.

The downside for you would be that you don't have him around in Dublin for sharing the domestic/childcare burden, but it sounds like you might have more support there, or that it is a sacrifice you are willing to make.

  1. You shouldn't be responsible for doing all the admin and social media for his business. If he can't do it himself, he should employ someone to help. One of your boys even if no one else!
  1. I'm sympathetic to the eye thing, one of my friends had something similar and when it flared up it was awful.

However while you can support him, it's his condition to manage.

If he would have trouble driving regularly back and forth could he get the train and a taxi and have an ebike at the country place? Cars are the devil but until we can change how modern life is structured living rurally without them is hard.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 18:32

ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 17:58

Have you told your husband about all the planning you have done? Arranging work and contacting schools reads as if you have already decided what you are doing and there is nothing left to discuss
It seems a bit pointless trying to integrate more with your local community there with such advanced planning. You're not committed so your efforts seem to be more tokenism than a genuine attempt. . Not fair to your family.

I contacted the schools to know whether even moving back would be an option

I've emailed the library about a book club and contacted some women in the area that I had text a while ago amd nothing came of it to see if I could get things going again.

There's no real playdate or hang outs for the kids either the odd one but that's it. I've offered a couple of times but I think people were busy in the run up to Christmas so I'll try again for the kids

I'm not sure what else to do?

OP posts:
Cornelious2011 · 26/01/2023 18:29

Op was your dh happy in Dublin pre covid lockdowns?

ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 17:58

Have you told your husband about all the planning you have done? Arranging work and contacting schools reads as if you have already decided what you are doing and there is nothing left to discuss
It seems a bit pointless trying to integrate more with your local community there with such advanced planning. You're not committed so your efforts seem to be more tokenism than a genuine attempt. . Not fair to your family.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 17:44

Gagagardener · 26/01/2023 16:55

Do you need two houses? If you sold both, could you buy one really nice one in a compromise area: in village or small town?

This would be the ideal option but our mortgage is too big and the house in the country is tied to another mortgage so if we sell we wouldn't have any left over to buy its a mess as we bought during boom time 🙈🙈

OP posts:
Gagagardener · 26/01/2023 16:55

Do you need two houses? If you sold both, could you buy one really nice one in a compromise area: in village or small town?

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 16:49

I'm going to keep making plans for the move back and hopefully it'll all work out. I already have 2 job interviews lined up for childminding to start when I get back!!

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 08:53

No diagnosis for his eyes he was in hospital but couldn't find anything wrong apart from having dry eyes which he takes drops for. Not sure why them seem to be on the mend

Hmm, fishy! And now you are letting your feelings know re wanting to move back to Dublin he has made a miraculous recovery and can share some of the driving again?

He sounds very manipulative OP. I would just push ahead with plans to move back and let him do as he pleases!

RandomMess · 26/01/2023 08:44

I think you need to tell him that as both you and the DC are unhappy and it's likely to get worse as they become teenagers then why is he being so selfish to put himself above 3 other people's happiness.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 08:24

Charley50 · 25/01/2023 20:00

Honestly, it sounds like his vision problems are psychological manipulation . He's picked up the driving when he knows it might be a dealbreaker for you. And he can't do social media?! Doesn't he know how to enlarge the screen?

I really feel for you and your children, OP and still think you should think about moving back to Dublin. This thread actually feels like a warning to anyone thinking of moving rural, think of the cons not just the pros.

It's not that he can't see it he has glasses for that but if he looks at it his eyes get sore I presume it's from the dry eye thing and he was watching a lot of TV over the winter which I pointed out to him and now he's watching less his eyes are not as bad

Definitely would tell people to think of all the things you don't like about the countryside before moving and think long term what it would be like I wish we had never moved!!!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 25/01/2023 20:00

Honestly, it sounds like his vision problems are psychological manipulation . He's picked up the driving when he knows it might be a dealbreaker for you. And he can't do social media?! Doesn't he know how to enlarge the screen?

I really feel for you and your children, OP and still think you should think about moving back to Dublin. This thread actually feels like a warning to anyone thinking of moving rural, think of the cons not just the pros.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 25/01/2023 17:54

I think I'll ask at the school about the parents association and try joining that maybe ot would be a good way to meet other mums.

My eldest made friends with another boy in class but he's 25 minutes away so can't get there himself we need to arrange for them to hangout more

No diagnosis for his eyes he was in hospital but couldn't find anything wrong apart from having dry eyes which he takes drops for. Not sure why them seem to be on the mend. He can't look at screens much either so any social media for the business is done by me

I was thinking of looking for a book club as I love to read are they even a thing anymore🤣🤣

OP posts:
ItsaMetalBand · 25/01/2023 17:23

I'm a couple of hours away from your approximate location I think but if you lived near me I have you over for coffee in a flash.

Do the boys have friends in school? - I'm pretty close to both the mums of DS's best friends now. I offered loads of sleepover playdates for his two best friends (neither mum are in a position at the moment to reciprocate but in a year or two they will when babies are older & house is built) but it was important for DS to have, I thought.

Another couple of friends came about from joining the PA. We just had a night out at the beginning of the month, dinner and drinks and we want to do that every couple of months as it was just so nice.

I got to know the other mothers through the class Whatsapp - I sucked up the cost and threw whole-class parties at soft play to get to meet them. I'm fairly outgoing but it was daunting putting myself out there even for me, but it has paid off.

And my hobby is a sewing one so I do that with a group of women in my area - there's no external socialisation but it's just lovely to go to the classes and chat to other women. Here's one that might be near you? https://www.facebook.com/people/Sewing-Courses-for-Everyone-in-Leitrim-Boyle-and-Longford/100068383602341/

For your husband though - does he have a diagnosis for his eyes? A prognosis? If he's vision imparied or it's likely to be a lifelong thing, then a serious chat is needed, as it's a disability and it may not be a choice to stay rural down the line.

FarFromObvious · 25/01/2023 14:54

Living in a city is so much easier with teens. We are in London and I am so relieved we never moved out when we had kids. Mine get the bus and tube everywhere and the occasional Uber thrown in.

You need to push for the move back. It’s not fair on you.

Littlebutload · 25/01/2023 14:39

Hi OP, that's hard. I'm originally from rural Ireland and now live in Dublin, I don't think I could move back to living rurally. With regards making friends, do the kids do GAA? could you volunteer there or join the parents association for the school?

Mirabai · 25/01/2023 13:10

I do think the kids are lonely and they seem to be fighting a lot more as they are always together which means I have to arrange more playdates and drive them around to make sure they don't feel lonely.

No, he needs to arrange more play dates.

eyope · 25/01/2023 13:05

He does the school runs on those days and the sports but it's only been like that for about 2 or 3 weeks. So far his eyesight is holding up fine so I'm not sure if it's on the mend or not.

Ah so you threatened him with wanting to leave for Dublin, and now his eyesight is miraculously ok again and he can drive...

Sorry, OP, I think you're being manipulated a bit here because he knows you're too meek.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 25/01/2023 13:02

So I've gone from working in a child's home to working from home and taken on another child so i work 3 days a week at the moment. He does the school runs on those days and the sports but it's only been like that for about 2 or 3 weeks. So far his eyesight is holding up fine so I'm not sure if it's on the mend or not.

I do think the kids are lonely and they seem to be fighting a lot more as they are always together which means I have to arrange more playdates and drive them around to make sure they don't feel lonely.

Unfortunately we can't afford to sell and more anywhere else so it's either here or dublin 😥

I said I miss chatting to people at the school gates as they don't do that down here and dh pointed out that our youngest is going into 3rd class in September so I won't be doing the school run for much longer so I'll loose that outlet

I'm going to look into joining a group in the local town and see from there. I joined an app to make friends but nothing really came from it.

Sorry for the long post!! Thanks so much to everyone for listening

OP posts:
eyope · 25/01/2023 13:01

The more I think about it, the weirder the eyesight thing is.

He wants to live rurally where to get anywhere, you must drive. Yet he can't do that....

He wants to run a bushcraft business which must require him to be able to see to give people on the course reassurance they're safe - but can barely open his eyes some days.

Are you absolutely sure, his eyesight just doesn't get worse when he has to ferry the boys but is fine when it's to drive somewhere important to him. Awful thing to suggest but it just feels too convenient his entire life is set up on being able to see clearly everyday and drive - yet he struggles to drive the children anywhere.

Mirabai · 25/01/2023 12:58

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

How has the conversation been left with you trying to be more sociable and not him figuring out how he is going to drive when you work FT.

It’s more work for you in addition to the driving kids and him around, no takeaways so more meals to cook blah blah.

You’re being far too meek.

eyope · 25/01/2023 12:53

If his eyesight is so bad he can't drive, how is he going to run survival courses as his only source of income....?

Also, it seems like you're distraught over upsetting him but he isn't as concerned about how unhappy you are?

You are the primary earner, the sole driver, carrying the bulk of childcare and household work, struggle with depression - yet HE gets to decide what your life should be?

Even if you made friends, you'll be so exhausted from driving, working, life admin AND caring for him if his eyes get worse - you won't have time for them.

I feel this situation will make your depression worse. Could it be an option that you move back to Dublin with the kids and leave him to it? Because when he realises he can't drive places he'll be forced to move back with you.

Think he's being selfish because there's nothing he's doing to make your life easier - just dumping more on you, like now you have to work to make friends too!

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2023 12:51

I'm refusing to move to more rural location about 2 miles from where we live as there is no buses, only big country houses so no nearish neighbours for kids to play with. It would be me facilitating pick ups and drop off and arranging play dates. Where at the moment my kids play with other kids on the street. It takes pressure off on an evening and weekend and over the long summers

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2023 12:48

It's not even about being social. Your kids were able to play in the street with their friends in Dublin. That's not to be underestimated - now you have to engineer all meet ups with kids friends. Being in country makes your life harder and makes it harder for you to socialise as you have to drive kids about. The kids have lots what little autonomy they had.
You moved away from family so all that's support had gone. Ypu have to drive more as you can't get things delivered
This has all made your life harder. Does your dh even acknowledge that