Anyone just done with life at middle age

an old post but i feel the same,im 56 and it would not bother me if i got told i had 6 months to go either-a daily struggle....i feel for you.

I get all of this, and at times I feel the same. Lone parent too which makes me terrified of when my DC leave home.

Then I think of my grandparents. They had a little holiday every year to Blackpool, a tiny house, they didn’t have much to look forward to.

Yet they were content. My Grandpa took every opportunity to learn new things and kept his brain active well into his nineties. My grandma has crippling arthritis but on they went.

Were people more content with their lot at that time? Is social media and our resulting expectations to blame?

Happiness = expectations / experiences

Now I try to change my mindset. What have I done today or yesterday that I’m proud of, that was good? I think we have to try to create these moments.

I do know it’s hard though. I see no way that I will ever be financially well off and with a lovely long term DP, for example, but I try to focus on what’s good.

This is no way a judgement on anyone else’s feelings by the way.

Well, I said upthread that I understand the sheer drudgery of being in your 40’s and 50’s, but my doctor’s appointment today has given me a good kick up the backside.

Even life’s drudgery seems Ok when it might be taken away. You might want to rethink the relief you think you’d feel if you were given six months to live, OP. I don’t think you’d feel relief, I think you’d want many more months and years if death stared you in the face. That’s how I’m feeling anyway-I’m terrified of my next appointment in case it turns out that I don’t have a few years of drudgery left!

yanbu

It’s relentless domestic drudgery. Constant anxiety. Crippling nostalgia.

This is how life becomes. It's hard work, disappointing and exhausting.

I think that's it. We've been shit on all the way.

Tuition fees and loans to pay off.
Stupidly inflated house prices.
Not great choice of jobs in my area after uni.
The childcare years.
Watching your pension age go up and up.
Thinking you were doing OK..... then all the prices went up at once.
Knowing you've still got about 25 years left until your pension, but aware that death and dementia picks off your family around that age.

None of my relatives in their 70s worked into their 60s. They didn't have fancy jobs; hadn't even stayed in school past 15, but they were able to save and retire. I'm rich, by their wages, but I spend my money on driving to work, childcare and fuelling both house and bodies.

One cannot be succesful in a society where hard work dosn't pay and benefits aren't enough to pay the rent either.

I think the agenda is to wear us into the ground so we don't have the energy to rise up like the French. In that was JRMogg and co can hoard all the cash.

Yes, I remember being told if I worked hard enough/put my mind to it I'd be successful. It has been very disappointing to see that no matter how hard I worked it didn't really make a difference.

Yeh I know what people mean

I work hard in demanding job and we just try and do as many hols / short breaks with friends to break it up

I think in the past (80s-2010s) people 40-50ish had retirement to look forward to and women worked 2 days and men often stopped at 50-55. Now it's all been taken away

A lot of people 30-50 had the crappy gen x latch hey kid / divorced parents childhood or millennials had the crap 'entry to work' with no jobs pose 2008 then endless crappy recessions and government taking away support then tax rises after Covid

It's like both generations now 40-50 haven't really had a 'good era' yet. Maybe it will come ? Whereas the generation above us ages 55-70 seem to have it better ( currently, could change!) and it makes us think 'what's in it for us'

I get it op. 44...just started hrt. So sad that many women feel similar. I am not scared of death as life is too knackering. I am introverted but live in an extroverted world.

In that sense I'm "lucky". Dad passed years ago (abusive alcoholic) and my mother was extremely neglectful. Leaving me at 13 with said alcoholic, abusive dad was just one example! So while I maintain LC with her, I won't be lifting a finger to help her in any way. And no partner means no in laws. So I don't/won't have any elderly relatives to care for. I see my peers doing it and it consumes their lives. So I am kind of glad I don't have to deal with it.

think it’s a combination of knowing what’s around the corner with regard to an elderly parent (who clearly expects me to retire early to take care of them which is a joke

@Klippetyklip i can relate to this. My Dad expects me to put him first in my life, my own hopes/needs/wants are secondary to his. It’s quite amazing how selfish some elderly parents are! I’m getting through it by just carrying on and helping him as best I can and letting the torrents of abuse wash over me-I know I’m not a bad daughter who’s let him down. The one positive aspect is that we learn from this and I’ll never have the same expectations of my children!

I’m late 50’s and feel the same. I had an early menopause and still take hrt so I can’t say that is the cause. I think it’s a combination of knowing what’s around the corner with regard to an elderly parent (who clearly expects me to retire early to take care of them which is a joke) and work/money. Neither myself or DP have decent pensions and after a series of redundancies over the last few years and it then taking months to find work and ever decreasing wages (I’m now on minimum wage, DP in a low wage, high stress job he hates but it was all he could get) I doubt we can make it to 67 without severe financial hardship. Plus the drudgery of cleaning, cooking etc and no chance of a holiday in sight. Some days I think what’s the point.

I've name changed from previous posts. I suggested the support thread, but wouldn't feel qualified to start and guide one. This thread might now do in the meantime until full?

I definitely recognise, for me, it's connected to peri menopause, ageing, health, and stresses and pressures of external factors. DC almost grown up and lots of change on the horizon.

Yes, just turned 60 and had some periods of deep darkness.

peri-menopause and menopause was hell.

What type of work do you do?

MNHQ please don't delete thread. That's overzealous and unnecessary. It's a good thread, an interesting discussion. Please deal with the few rule breakers separately and don't punish us all, unfairly.

I relate hugely to what people are saying. Yes, the idea that this is an individual problem to be exercised, medicated or therapized away is gaslighting - we're not broken; we're waking up to the reality of life behind all the platitudes of 'work hard and be kind and everything will work out'.

I'm 49 next year and agree. Not that I want to be dead, but I definitely don't feel like there is a lot to look forward to until I retire (c.20 years away - it's a long time!).

I hate my job and seem to have lost a lost of va-va-voom in general in the last few years (perhaps due to lockdown apathy and perhaps hormonal as well as stresses at home). DP who is a big older earns the main income, is massively overworked, stressed and really miserable in his job (and often grumpy at home) but it pays fairly well and the pension is good so financially he can't easily make a big life change.

In any case, we're stuck here in our current location working to pay the gas bill and support the kids at uni - and once we're free of them, we are likely to have significant care responsibilities for four aging parents either looming or upon us.

It's all pretty depressing. I feel like we might get five years free of responsibility to live the live we actually want, before we have to start making sensible decisions for our own old age - and the likelihood is we'll be needed for childcare at that time of life anyway.

It's an epidemic.
I went to get 'professional help' over this and spent about a year in it from the end of 2021.
I came to the conclusion that it's ok to feel as I do about the fact the country is broken and I can't always make good decisions in a broken system. Once I opened up to people I found that a lot felt the same about it and most of the crap that was happening to me was due to things outside my control.

I'm not going to put up with others implying it's an individual problem regardless of consequences.

I'm fine with my anger and disgust at people gaslighting and minimising the situation we're all facing and I hope people start making their voices heard.

I think it could be supportive if someone could kindly do one. Feeling as we mainly all do is not a coincidence and does not mean we need anti depressants or are suicidal. We just need to talk and find out we are not alone in feeling this way

It would be nice if this stayed as a support thread. Circumnavigating this middle age, and discussing how we're getting on.

I really feel like we are all a little in shock after Covid and lockdown. The rug was pulled out from under us and whilst life is difficult at certain times anyway, we’ve come through turmoil and are evaluating everything more than perhaps is usual.
Chuck in menopause, ageing etc and it’s quite a cocktail. I’ve felt like everything is hopeless and bleak from time to time lately. I’m just putting the head down, getting on with it and hoping it passes.
I have no answers but I do get what some of you are saying…