Is it really weird to imagine your DH dead a lot?

I initially thought it sounded weird, but actually reflecting on my own life, I had similar thoughts as a child and teen and early 20 something about my mum and a sibling. Which I think was because I couldn't see a way of their complex and abusive relationship ending, or the complicated relationship patterns in the family ending,.without death.

If you feel trapped, like there is no way out except death, then i think its natural to think about death.

In your case though, divorce is possible and these thoughts should tell you that you need to pluck up the courage to get that divorce. Seek support and try and use a therapist or other MH support to help you develop the skills to leave

What happened OP? I hope everyone’s OK

Yes I had these thoughts, to the extent where I was disappointed when a medical emergency turned out to be trivial.It is, I think, a normal reaction to being trapped in an abusive relationship and unable to process how to escape without hurting others. But, finally, I did and it wasn't as bad as I expected and I have never regretted it, just regretted waiting so long. But you will know when you are ready, when you have finally had enough.

Totally normal OP. It's fine as a coping mechanism. However, it only makes you feel good for a few minutes. You need to start getting your ducks in a row. If you started thinking about leaving/separating and how that would work, it might make you feel more in control of real life.

So I'm not a professional in health care and I don't want to encourage your thoughts about this. But I do think that thinking about him dying maybe a way of "testing out" how you feel about not having him around in your mind. Leaving someone is a big leap, the logistics of the actual split can be harrowing, but I wonder if your mind is trying to think about a possible "future state" where you are on your own.

My ExH was awful - I was afraid of him and he used to threaten all sorts of awful things if I left. I routinely fanaticised about him dying - leaving me free, solvent and with no threats to my reputation or that of my family. In the end I left. I left after several years of the threats and deep unhappiness. He executed his threats pretty quickly - sent revenge porn photos etc. he terrorised me and DD for a couple of yearly but eventually stopped. It was terrible but I rebuilt my life and am blissfully happy many years later with my second DH.

I was the same, on and off over the years and then almost constantly in the time leading up to our divorce.

I believe it's quite common. My counsellor said so and lots of other separated people have told me similar. It would be a way out of your situation without divorcing. Divorce is not fun, but I am so much happier now I'm no longer married to him.

I still sometimes fantasise about him dying because I hate what he did to our life, I hate having to continue interacting with him because we have DC together and because now I see what an unpleasant person he really is.

You are visualising life without him. You can have that life, but you're going to have to instigate divorce to get it. My divorce was a gruelling process, but so worth it. I have a new job, a new partner and am so much less stressed and anxious than when I was married to XH.

I am not religious whatsoever but used to mentally pray my now exh would be killed in his car on his way home from work..

I've wished he would have an affair too, or just up and leave, still do. I was wondering if anyone else would say that. Everytime H is acting a bit strange, acting different to normal I'd think I hope he's having an affair. Or if he's gaming/sulking a lot and ignoring DC I'd hope he'll walk away, leave us alone. If I saw a thread from a person whose partner just walked out I'd think I wish that was me. Why couldn't it be my H that left rather than the poster's, their OH could stay, mine could leave, we'd both be happy then.

For a long time I hoped he'd die, then I wouldn't have to worry about my children being with him without me there and how he'd behave, how he'd damage then mentally and emotionally. He's emotionally abusive, gets angry a lot, expects to be able to dictate and have us all jump to it straight away. I was so angry at the way he treated us and scared, I just wanted him to leave us alone and I couldn't imagine any other way out. I'm not angry like that anymore, I'm still scared but I'm not so lost and I'm taking steps forward now, slowly getting myself to where I need to be to leave.

My sister has told me numerous times that she wishes her husband would just die and soon. She wants to divorce him but is too scared and skint. He's not abusing her, but isn't a very good husband and father. She thinks him dying would be best as his culture wouldn't abandon her or their kids and she would get life insurance money too. It's probably not that uncommon if I'm honest.

Yes, I thought it a lot with my ex. He's an alcoholic so it was partly a fear as well. Still is, because it would affect my kids (not that he ever sees them)

Anyway, he's my ex and life is so much easier than when I was with him.

I get this sometimes. Rational me knows it would not be a good thing, and the kids would suffer, but in other ways it seems so much easier than the alternative. Thinking of everyone else in the same situation

I think it’s a phase and you’re sub conscious is working towards a point where you can handle a real separation. It’s overwhelming now, but this is your minds way of finding your strength.

Also look into OCD or ask a mental health professional about it as it can be linked to intrusive thoughts.

Therapists are like shoes, if they don’t fit you won’t walk far. Get a new dynamic therapist who actually helps you reframe your thoughts and experiences. You are not a cash cow, if your anxiety is getting worse, crippling your life, she is not the one for you and you are wasting your time and money with her.

You're already in that moving on phase as you're imagining a life without him and the scenario of him dying would be easier for you to deal with than confronting the issue of leaving him instead.

You need to face your fears and actually leave him.

It’s your subconscious giving you permission to have aggressive thoughts, OP. There will understandably be a lot of anger and resentment in the frame at the moment, and sometimes we find ourselves having the kinds of daydreams and fantasies you describe. It’s completely normal. Definitely worth exploring in therapy.

I had those thoughts too, and then I realised that I didn't want my kids to lose their dad, so I started to wish he would have an affair so I could leave and it wouldn't be my fault. We're divorced now (my initiative), and it was sooo much easier than I had built it up in my head to be. We were married 20+ years, and I don't miss him at all.

God I used to pray for it. Honestly leaving is easier than you think. In the run up it feels impossible but it very quickly feels so much easier.

Your having intrusive thoughts, we all get them. They relate to your anxiety and I would look into how you can deal with your anxiety going forward or even actually going through with the divorce. The thoughts should start to alleviate

I get where you are coming from.

I’ve been thinking and planning a divorce for so long, too long really and it’s just so hard and I have thought how easier it would be if he just wasn’t here anymore.

In the cold light of day, of course, I know it wouldn’t really be easier, I’d have two heartbroken children for starters.

Im not there yet, but I’m determined to get there in 2023. Life is too short to live miserably.