To not send my child to rough local secondary

It doesn't matter what School you send your son too. Every School in the World has bad behaviour, bullies, bullying, Thieves etc

@BelleMarionette secondary schools can help you share contact details. The PA can have class reps which put parents in touch with each other (e.g. class parents whatsapp groups); the school may have an inline directory that parents can opt into. I would ask the school and the PA how they help families gets to know each other. Join the PA if necessary.

It makes it much easier to arrange things and help facilitate friendships and lift sharing if you can meet other parents, even once, and exchange contact details

Point taken in regard to transport and money. I thought you meant trying to make direct contact with other parents to arrange playdates, which I thought was more a primary school thing.

@ilovesooty presumably this is a year 7 child. They get a bus - so transport is an issue. A bit of parental help is going to go a long way here helping with lifts to arrange anything in the school holidays. And maybe money etc needed for cinema trips?

The child is asking for help here

Encourage your child to try to arrange something, but surely there isn't that level of parental involvement at high school?

arrange some playdates/cinema trips etc over the holidays with families from the new school. What plans have you made to get to know other families there?

I would send them to the nicer school if you can. I went to quite a rough sec school and found it hard.

They can’t all go to the good school

Being alive is very important.

Just that you get one childhood and you should pick a school that suits your child. You can pick up qualifications at any time, they are not the most important things.

Perhaps you could discuss accounts like yours and mine with her, to show you’re not making up rules from thin air! She might be happier making the best of where she is if she knows what the alternative is.

I went to a school in Croydon where there were stabbings. As a bright child with an already difficult home life (this was not picked up - probably because they had bigger issues going on) I was quiet, clever and mousey and as such a target for bullies. It was a horrendous experience. For those who were popular, they got roped into more antisocial behaviour, and for those who weren’t, we were bullied horrifically. And my qualifications were nowhere near what I was capable of because they saw me as a sure pass and left me to teach myself, while putting me in for as many exams as possible. They didn’t know how to handle someone bright and hard working and were too busy fighting fires elsewhere.

I’ve moved very far from where I grew up but am still anxious about not being able to get DD into the catchments for the best schools in our area because I still have hang-ups from my high school experience. YANBU at all.

DS (y7) hasn't followed the main pack of his classmates to the usual local school. It's not having a great phase (but not on the scale of OP's local) and has been put through a few MATs in recent years and is in another bedding in stage with the latest one. His friend followed their sibling there so it was clear that there would be a parting of the ways. While I knew DS would find transition difficult and indeed, he has no friends yet, it wasn't the most influential factor of choosing a school. Friendships shift through y7 & y8 anyway and going to a school with good pastoral support and a positive culture of learning came first.

We've been discussing DS's issues with the pastoral team to help a long term improvement, but it can't be an instant fix. Changing schools often isn't an instant fix either.

It's not snobbery to avoid children who stab. It's basic parenting. Nor is it incorrect to call them rough. They clearly have troubled backgrounds but they're not misguided angels if they stab fellow pupils.

Sorry, stabbing is a hard line and I wouldn't send my child there!

Agree with others saying moving to secondary is a big step. I'd say they need a year to settle and tell them no further conversation about it until Summer

You're the parent-what you say goes.

Don't enter into any discussions about it with your child and nor would I give him the option of moving in a year if he doesn't like it. That will stop him making an effort to settle in, as he will think he will be leaving anyway.

Just shut your ears to his complaints and the sooner he knows that they are falling on rocky ground, the more settled he will be.

He can choose the colour of his bedroom walls if he wants a say in something but in this, his opinion is of no consequence.

@sashh I know exactly what you mean. Same applies to me. Yet I would do the same for my DS, and just work a little harder with him on the self esteem side. I think boys schools do better with that anyway (least, that was the case when I was at school). The alternative is too much of a risk if one's child is a bit lazy and easily influenced.

However, I would at least visit a 'bad' school. Too often 'outstanding' schools turn out to be terrible, and vice versa.

That's sad but I'm not sure how it relates to this thread. Perhaps you think your life would have been better if you'd come put w no qualifications as well as no life skills and no self esteem ?

Yanbu. Your child is too innocent to understand the lifelong consequences of going to the rough school. As the adult you owe it to her to insist on the best path. If she’s angry with you for a while, so be it. She’ll thank you when she’s older!!