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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Scotty12 · 07/12/2022 19:07

Ok!
So it’s kind of one of the furthest places away that you could possibly get married. She can’t be expecting many people to make the trip. I would only make that trip for someone super close and if I wanted to holiday there anyway….during school holidays. And if I had the budget!

AnnieSnap · 07/12/2022 19:05

In the end, you must do what your gut tells you, but given your MILs condition and that you may need your limited funds to visit her, I’d say don’t go to the wedding. Explain that it has all become too expensive and unmanageable. Your sister needs to know that it is her (selfish) choices that have made it too difficult for you to attend. I hear what you are saying about your brother, maybe he will be relieved at your decision and it will be able to make the decision that is best for him as a result. Anyone who doesn’t approve of your decision, will soon get over it.

strawberry2017 · 07/12/2022 18:57

I think they will be surprised by how few people actually go once they start looking in to vista. It's easy to say yes when you haven't paid any money but it's another thing booking it.
I wouldn't go, my sister would never expect that of us and vice versa.

deeperthanallroses · 07/12/2022 18:57

Scotty12 · 07/12/2022 18:40

I am struggling where could be a 30-40 hour flight. Even Australia isn’t that far?? If it’s too expensive and you can’t afford it, don’t go. Simple.

Easy. The fastest flights available london to melb australia are 24 hours flying time there and 27,28 back. Lots take a bit longer than that, and that’s a two leg flight with a couple of hours transit half way, so you’d touch ground in oz 26 hours or 30 hours after taking off in london or vice versa, ignoring the airport and travel time each side. The op is headed to a pacific beach so you’d land in oz, wait another few hours and get on a 3rd flight.
then where are you going? Sydney to Fiji is 4 hours. Basically you’ll spend over 30 hours travelling to get there on the shorter direction if you take the shortest flights possible which they may not be able to. Travel still takes time to some parts of the world!!

I am assuming they are not taking the direct london to Perth flight which is only 20 hours flight time.

Scooby5kids · 07/12/2022 18:40

It doesn't matter what your other family members are doing, if you can't afford it then you don't have to go. If she really wanted you there she should have made sure there was somewhere for you to stay. Personally I would just give my apologies and say you can't go. You have a very good excuse not to, because subjecting young children to long haul flights isn't fair on them and it won't be a fun experience for them

Scotty12 · 07/12/2022 18:40

I am struggling where could be a 30-40 hour flight. Even Australia isn’t that far?? If it’s too expensive and you can’t afford it, don’t go. Simple.

Dagnabit · 07/12/2022 18:39

Nothing new to add but YANBU - no way would I spend 5k on flights to attend a wedding, not even my own! And now the added insult of the accommodation? Er, hard no!

Blendandmix · 07/12/2022 18:32

I'm super close to my sister but if I had 2 kids under the age of 6 and going that far and just the sheer cost I'd say no.

50% of marriages end in divorce so just go to the next one

pollymere · 07/12/2022 18:32

My brother paid for our accommodation for his wedding as it was abroad. I'd want to know why there is no longer any room at the villa. Clearly there is no longer any room for you and your family at the wedding. I've done the accomodation not near a destination wedding thing with a small child. It's horrible as all the pre-wedding events are obviously at the main location and you spend more time travelling. You also have to deal with jet-lag, kids sleeping at totally random times and kids on three different flights. Spend 5K on going to Disneyworld instead!

TenoringBehind · 07/12/2022 18:32

I wouldn’t be going in your shoes.

mumda · 07/12/2022 18:29

Don't go.
Normally people have a wedding far away to avoid people going

rosemarysalter · 07/12/2022 18:29

Your sister is deluded

They ought to have gotten married in the UK and honeymooned in the Pacific

Alertthecorgis · 07/12/2022 18:27

Beyond selfish expecting people to fork out for such an expensive trip and then to add insult to injury asking you to stay elsewhere.

Personally I would send my regrets. The cost not to mention taking the time off and travelling with small kids would be enough for me to say no.

Alcemeg · 07/12/2022 18:26

Do a "flexi-wedding". Just celebrate with them another time.

maryso · 07/12/2022 18:25

I don't see why this is at all difficult.
The venue logistics are unworkable for your family. In your position I would not attend and merely provide a wedding gift that you feel appropriate.
The rest is irrelevant.

rosemarysalter · 07/12/2022 18:24

Three flights and 40 hours travelling is an extreme ask

What on earth possessed them to make that choice?

I wouldn't go. Or can you tag on a visit to Aus too?

Heyhoitsme · 07/12/2022 18:24

Honestly I wouldn't go. It's ridiculous that she expects everyone to stump the cost. Just tell her you can't afford it.

Blarney72 · 07/12/2022 18:23

Spend your money on going to Australia to celebrate your 10 year anniversary, your husband can invite friends he couldn't before and I'm hoping you don't need to make an emergency flight before for your MIL. It will make an exciting 2023. Do what makes you happy. Good luck.

Mesoavocado · 07/12/2022 18:20

Tillow4ever · 07/12/2022 16:22

I’ve said YABU but that’s on response to you complaining about it. Their wedding their choice.

the bit you aren’t being unreasonable about is the expectation you go. If you can’t afford it, don’t want to, or whatever, that’s entirely up to you! Don’t worry that your brother can afford it - there’s one of him to pay for. Is it in school holidays or would you need to pull them out of school (not read the full thread, just wanted to explain my vote, will read through afterwards)? If I’m term time, use that as another reason not to go.

Yes I voted same way for sane reasons.

I wouldn’t go but it’s their choice and they need to understand why nobody would put themselves in debt for a wedding

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:19

OP your sister wants her wedding to bankrupt you so that she can feel like the winner
if someone expected me to spend even a 10th of that on their wedding.....I just wouldnt W T F !!

Snoopystick · 07/12/2022 18:14

I wouldn’t go, my brother got married in the Caribbean and didn’t expect everyone to go, their choice knowing not everyone can afford it. That’s what honeymoons are for.

Harls1969 · 07/12/2022 18:00

I'm sure that having a destination wedding is lovely - but you have to assume most people won't go (we didn't go to my sister's wedding in Vegas as not only would if have been very expensive for 4 of us, it was term time and I worked in a school at the time and our son was at secondary school - she totally understood).
If you can't really afford to go don't! Don't break the bank to please others, especially when it sounds like you have other priorities. Be firm and stand your ground, your family will get over it and, if they don't, it's really their problem. Good luck OP

Icantfindmykeys · 07/12/2022 17:57

I haven’t read all responses it may have been already suggested, but why don’t you go on your own? You could explain you can’t afford the additional cost of a Villa for the family … could they make room for you?

Weald56 · 07/12/2022 17:57

To be honest I'd tell your sister:

'Sorry, but we are really stretching ourselves to come, both financially and in terms of the stress involved given the fact we have two young children. If we can't stay in the main house with you, then I'm afraid we won't be able to come. But we'll look forward to seeing your photos and wedding film if you can't meet our reasonable request'.

Tessabelle74 · 07/12/2022 17:50

I would never expect guests to pay over the odds to attend my wedding. In fact even though we only live 2 hours from the bulk of our family we weren't offended when they didn't all come. Holiday from work, hotels, fuel etc all adds up even in the UK

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