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Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 06/12/2022 02:42

5K for your family? Have you actually priced flights lately? You'd be lucky to get it anywhere near that. More like 5k for one person, maybe two.

If you can't afford it, don't go.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:39

Thanks all for the replies so far. My family is very quick to make me the unreasonable one and the replies here are validating for my husband and I.
His parents are the priority for us and funnily enough, they don't ever place any real demands on us!

OP posts:
sickandtiredofthis · 06/12/2022 02:38

I wouldn't go. It's too much of an ask, in terms of both time and money. You have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you can't: Your husband wants to visit his mother, who is ill.

If they're "hurt" or annoyed, they'll have to get over it. They've hurt you. Why are your feelings less important than theirs? You compromised on your own wedding precisely to avoid putting your family in this position. Now it's your sister's turn, and she's chosen to prioritise location. You can still wish her well and celebrate her marriage without being at the wedding.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:36

MoppaSprings · 06/12/2022 02:23

When you book a flight it usually gives you the travel time including any stop over times. Hanging about an airport is not fun at the best of times but even less fun with kids. Spending the best part of 2 days travelling or hanging around an airport is 2 days additional leave that will need to be factored in( plus 2 days at end of holiday or flights are the same).

Absolutely. And then there's the jet lag that's so much worse because there's no chance for my husband and I to get any rest on the flight. My brother and nieces have never flown abroad, let along long haul, so I am expected to catch the same flight and help them navigate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:34

user1471457751 · 06/12/2022 00:45

Have your parents got history for prioritising your sister? It's odd that they wouldn't go to Thailand for you despite the family reason you had but will go to a Pacific island for your sister just because your sis liked a holiday there

Apparently my parents learnt from their mistakes with us and don't want to interfere with my sister's plans.

Saying that, when we asked my parents to acknowledge it was a big ask and the history made us feel somewhat jealous and resentful, they denied ever pushing us. We just wanted it to be acknowledged by them so we could move on and not upset my sister with our resentment.

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all. They did help us finance it which is why they had that power but we wish we had have stood up to them and not accepted their money. It's another story but we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

Then my sister has the gall to mention she hopes our parents help her and her fiancé out with their flights!!

OP posts:
Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:26

KenAdams · 06/12/2022 00:50

Nowhere is 40 hours away. I have family in the Pacific Islands and its 24 hours tops.

Is it Tahiti or the Cook Islands? If so, you'll struggle to get there for £5k total flights - we've just paid almost £4kpp to the above destination, flying economy! Its taken us over a decade of building DC up to longer and longer flights to do it as well, no way would I try with very young DC.

This is including stopover time obviously. But even UK to New Zealand is minimum 30 hour flight. UK to Aus a few years ago was hard enough, and that was when the DC's were young enough to sleep most of the time.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/12/2022 02:25

I'd not attend.

Whatever happened to people going alone on honeymoon instead of dragging all & sundry with them?

MoppaSprings · 06/12/2022 02:23

When you book a flight it usually gives you the travel time including any stop over times. Hanging about an airport is not fun at the best of times but even less fun with kids. Spending the best part of 2 days travelling or hanging around an airport is 2 days additional leave that will need to be factored in( plus 2 days at end of holiday or flights are the same).

Rightsraptor · 06/12/2022 02:22

And yes it could be 40 hours door to door, with wait times between flights, transfers etc etc.

Rightsraptor · 06/12/2022 02:19

Don't go.

They are being totally unreasonable, 3 flights each way with small children? Horrendous for all of you, never mind the cost.

Where did this insane idea of far-flung weddings come from? Madness.

bpirockin · 06/12/2022 02:19

My feeling is that when people opt to get married out of the county, if they particularly want someone there then they should be prepared to cover the costs. You have your own family to think about, and your parents etc. were not willing to show any consideration when it was your turn and you had a valid reason for wanting to marry elsewhere. Stop worrying about what they want/expect, and do what's best for you and yours.

It blows my mind how many people have such selfish expectations of others these days - it's their wedding, that means the event is about them and they get to do what they want. That's not the same as them getting to dictate to others that they have to be there, have to sacrifice their holiday, and prioritise them and their event at all costs. They can always put the event online, so it's not as if you won't be able to see how it went. Stroppy family members need reminding that you have your own things to consider and they do not get to make decisions for you. It might put noses out of joint, but ultimately they need to respect your decision.

marvellousmaple · 06/12/2022 02:12

It literally can't be 40 hours - you'd be all the way around the world and back again - unless you are factoring in wait times maybe.
I wouldn't go, particularly because your family wouldn't travel for your wedding, and with the MIL situation.
I agree with pp, come visit Australia instead, see MIL ( whilst she is still well enough to enjoy your visit) and all of his rellies and have a big party for his 40th. Perfect.

Wanderingoff · 06/12/2022 02:04

If I was your dh I’d be pretty unhappy

sounds like your family is massively dysfunctional

tell them you can’t go - and point out that your dh made a massive sacrifice because they wouldn’t fly for your wedding

then start doing the hard work to distance yourself from your family’s dysfunction

LaNis · 06/12/2022 01:46

No chance. YANBU OP.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2022 01:46

It would be a huge slap in the face to your husband if you spent that money on going to a wedding for someone you see anyway at home. Save it for visiting his family. Your own immediate family is what matters now. Your sister sounds incredibly spoilt.

SuperCamp · 06/12/2022 01:42

No way would I do that journey with 2 kids under 6! 40 hours of planes and airports - shudder!

TheTeenageYears · 06/12/2022 01:01

We got married abroad with just parents and absolutely no expectations of anyone coming, including siblings - it was our choice. Had a party at home for everyone to celebrate. I wouldn't go in your shoes, even without the history of your own wedding which would absolutely be the final nail in the coffin. Long multiple flights, 2 young children, not staying with the bridal party so relegated to 2nd class, cost are all very valid reasons not to go as well as you know, they wouldn't do the same for you. Don't be railroaded into debt or future financial sacrifices for people unwilling to do the same for you.

Epli · 06/12/2022 01:01

I cannot imagine paying over £5000 and using a huge chunk of my holiday allowance to go to a wedding, even if it’s sibling’s. I would not waste so much resources to go somewhere that I did not choose to go in the first place. And that’s before even considering MIL situation…

thefatpotato · 06/12/2022 01:00

Considering that's the cost of a family flight to Australia for your kids to see their grandma and your husband see his Mum, I say that takes priority and would tell your sister so.

YANBU. I had a wedding in my husbands home country and my whole family flew across the world to attend. I was so grateful they could, we made space for them to stay with us and then hired a huge house for a week either side of the wedding to help keep their expenses down. I offered to help cover some of the flights for my siblings but they didn't need it.

Your sister is being a bit selfish.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 06/12/2022 00:59

I would honestly not go. Go see your husbands’ mum for his 40th instead. It will mean a lot to him and her. Your sister doesn’t give a shit as evidenced by choice of destination and accommodation arrangements. I would be fuming but keep it to myself and just step away from the madness quietly.

FrogLion · 06/12/2022 00:57

Don't go. We got married in Las Vegas and my husband's brother couldn't make it. But he could make the party in our return, which his sister who went to LV couldn't make. We paid for hotel rooms for those we wanted to be at the wedding. Maybe your sister could help with your travel costs? Or live stream the wedding?

Notcontent · 06/12/2022 00:56

Have you actually booked flights? I would be surprised if you could get flights for a family of 4 for £5000. Flights to Australia for example have really shot up in price recently. Sounds like an expensive nightmare and I would not go…

KenAdams · 06/12/2022 00:50

Nowhere is 40 hours away. I have family in the Pacific Islands and its 24 hours tops.

Is it Tahiti or the Cook Islands? If so, you'll struggle to get there for £5k total flights - we've just paid almost £4kpp to the above destination, flying economy! Its taken us over a decade of building DC up to longer and longer flights to do it as well, no way would I try with very young DC.

XanaduKira · 06/12/2022 00:50

Just decline and say you can't afford it - I'd do it now though allowing as much notice as possible.

user1471457751 · 06/12/2022 00:45

Have your parents got history for prioritising your sister? It's odd that they wouldn't go to Thailand for you despite the family reason you had but will go to a Pacific island for your sister just because your sis liked a holiday there

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