AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

I'd literally say you can't afford it. If your parents or sister really want you there they can may for your to attend.

Ridiculous expectation. I would not go and say you just can’t afford it. If it takes the heat off a bit you could say your DH’s mum’s health is declining faster than expected so you just can’t be left in the situation where you can’t afford an Australian trip. My sister missed my wedding, she was a 24 hour flight away. She could have afforded to come, she chose not to, no hard feelings - it’s a long way. Apart from anything I wouldn’t do that flight with young children.

It's easy to spend that much time in the air if you're going to an island like OP . My son just flew from Sydney to Sumatra for a surfing holiday and he was in the air ( three different flights) for 36 hours.

The guilt you experience at saying no will be short-lived, but the resentment you will feel if you have to endure that flight with two small kids, pay a fortune and have to stay separately to rest of wedding party and spend the money you could have on a trip to see your husband's family, will stay with you much longer.

Your sister is being extremely selfish in my opinion having a wedding so far away with no reason except she liked it, she should go there on honeymoon if she liked it so much!

Sorry, but you are just wrong.

~12 hours to stopover one (LA, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur or wherever).

X hours at stopover place (anywhere between 1 and 5-ish hours).

~12 hours to Southern hemisphere destination (Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland or wherever).

X hours sitting in that airport waiting for the flight to the Pacific.

3 hour flight to the Pacific. And then if you’re going to a popular wedding destination like Aitutaki, it’s another stopover and another flight. But even without that, easily 30-40 hours.

OP - YANBU, and I say this as someone who had our wedding on the other side of the world. We didn’t expect anyone to come, and we paid for everyone’s accommodation.

Your sister is being a next-level CF.

You have the perfect excuse (for what of a much better word), in your MIL and her ill health. That is without doubt your priority.

Flight capacity to NZ isn't back to normal. We're paying 2 to 2.5k GBP each return to the UK at the moment. Plus routes are tricky and take longer than before. Some Pacific Islands don't have daily fights. So it could easily take over 40 hours.

There is no way I'd take two small kids on that trip for a destination wedding OP. You'll spend the whole time jetlagged.

yanbu, don't go. they don't care about making it practical for you to be there and it's much more appropriate for you to spend the time and money on a visit to DH's family rather than wasting it on tagging along to a destination wedding where your presence isn't particularly wanted. it's perfectly reasonable to say that you were willing to stretch to pay for the flights when the accommodation on-site was going to be provided, but you can't stretch further to cover additional accommodation expenses too. it was made quite clear to you for your own wedding that close family wouldn't be obliged to travel if you chose a non-uk venue so it's in no doubt whatsoever that there's no obligation for you to go to this one.

I would not be going to that wedding. I'd even start making plans to emigrate to live in aus with husband's family.

No ways would I be going.

I did a 26 hr flight with a teen and that was bad enough.

Just because your sibling is going, doesn't mean you have to. You have different priorities.

And your sister is being ridiculous to expect everyone to pay out for this.

I agree with this. Put your money towards a nice Australia trip instead so your husband can spend time with Mum. And forget the vanity wedding.

Can you just go on your own?

I wouldn't go.

YANBU! It is ridiculous for your family to expect you to fork out £5,000 plus for this. You will now have to pay for accommodation too. Then there is a wedding gift and climate- appropriate clothing, food, drinks for the week etc.
Definitely remind them (forcefully) of the hoo -ha that ensued when you suggested your own destination wedding.

Hi OP,
Your post seems to suggest that you should go to Australia if your MIL becomes gravely ill or dies.
I would suggest you go soon while your family can get the most out of seeing MIL and she you, even if that means you can't return if she becomes very ill or dies. Perhaps your husband could go on his own if that happened or nobody go and send your love.

Your sisters wedding wouldn't come into it for me. We did miss SIL'S destination wedding. Completely out of our league cost wise.

It doesn't sound like you can afford it and that's a totally acceptable reason not to attend.

To add, I live in Australia, my dc were born in the uk, and I grew up in several continents. I’m very comfortable taking dc on long haul flights and still think you should tell them all to fuck off.

You are expected to spend more than you can afford, suck up the gross inequality in attitude between you are sister, go on their flight to help them with long haul (what about your own children? Any sane person says long haul flights are tough and we will be busy with our own children here!) and then… miss just about everything about the wedding because you have been sent to stay half a mile away with two young children and no car.
dear sister, we just can’t come to your wedding. We can’t afford it and we won’t get to enjoy it even if we could. You have enormous expectations, we can’t help you on the flights because we will have to look after our own dc, we will miss just about the whole event staying in the accomm you’re shoving us out to and frankly I feel like you’re only having us there for when we can be useful. We hope you have a great time.

as for your parents, dear mum and dad, I’m shocked by the difference in your attitude between my wedding and sisters. You said you wouldn’t even come to mine if it wasn’t convenient, but are bending over backwards for sisters destination wedding. I never realised so clearly how I’m not loved as much. I won’t be going to the wedding, we simply can’t afford it.

and what are you doing for Christmas? Make sure it is you dh and your family unit having a great time and any family expectations can go jump.

I’d be really pissed off with being dispatched from the main house to up the road. Don’t go.

Please prioritise your husband seeing his mother. I’ve sen the deep regret when someone doesn’t/can’t get back to the Southern Hemisphere for a dying parent. He needs to go to see his mother.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in not wanting to go, but if you did, combine it with a visit to Australia? I don’t know which pacific island you’re going to - let’s say it’s Bora Bora or Fiji. Both fly from Aus and aren’t a fortune from there? Once you’ve paid for the flight to Sydney, that’s the big spend.

Unless you and your family are really well off, I can’t see how your sister can expect you to spend this much money on flights to attend her wedding. If you decide to get married abroad (especially in such a far flung destination) you cannot expect everyone to be able to attend. A trip like that for a family of 4 could easily cost £10k for just a week.And it’s not the sort of destination you can just go to for a couple of days with young kids in tow. No way would I subject my DC to that! Absolute madness!

it would not be unreasonable of you to tell her you can’t go. Best of luck

I (Brit) and my husband (American) got married in America for immigration reasons. We had a 'not the wedding' party before we left and invited all the Brits who we would have loved to have at our wedding but we knew couldn't afford it. I can't fathom expecting people to spend that kind of money to get to a wedding. YANBU.

This seems like such an easy 'no' to me. 30-40 hours worth of flights (!), 2 small kids, many ££££££. It's just a very easy 'no, sis'.

It's all so silly and like something that belongs to a far more financially secure time.

Personally I would have suggested that you and your husband elope for your own wedding rather than asking people to travel to Thailand (and I kind of maybe see that she might be a bit disgruntled that you're now anti-destination weddings) but that's history now.

You could save that money for better things - the way prices are rising and with 2 young kids to feed and clothe, i'm sure that you can think of many better uses for it.
If you can afford to leave it aside for a holiday, leave it for a few years, then take the kids to disneyworld for a proper ' family ' holiday.