AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

We got married in Samoa but did not expect family to come. We just had a party on our return. Flights costs are significantly higher now. It's no easy ride getting to these far away places either!

My guess is they're not keen on having two young DC in the main villa! ... They sound a selfish bunch YANBU ... What a worry for your DH regarding your MIL. There's your main reason not to go.

In the interests of keeping the peace (which I’m assuming you want to?) I wouldn’t get into all the reasons, your wedding, kicking you out of the villa etc etc.

Just a blunt “with the cost of living crisis, we can’t afford this. Gutted to miss it obviously. Shall we go out for a special dinner when you’re back to celebrate?”.

Dont get drawn into discussing the finances in detail - they’ll tell you to book ahead/book last minute/get a discount etc etc and try to claim you can afford it.

Dont discuss your actual income and expenditures - none of their business! - and they’ll try to tell you to just put more money aside etc. Just again a blunt “we can’t afford this”.

Dont let them offer to “help” with the flights or anything. You literally cannot afford to spend any more than £200 on your sisters wedding, which will cover a nice dinner to celebrate and that’s it. So unless your parents will cover absolutely all the costs you cannot go.

if you need to, imply your mortgage rate or rent is going up, that would be believable at the moment.

DH and I both have difficult family members and cheerfully blame each other in this kind of situation - he doesn’t really care if my aunt blames him for something and it keeps my family relationships easier!

Exactly - compensation for him not having all the family there for his wedding.

I don't actually think that's you being selfish anyway - but sometimes you have to think about yourself.

This

I cannot imagine being the bride and expecting others to fork out this kind of money at any time. Let alone in a cost of living crisis.

I absolutely would not have the audacity to be annoyed at anyone that was not able to make it for any reason at all.

The guilt you experience at saying no will be short-lived, but the resentment you will feel if you have to endure that flight with two small kids, pay a fortune and have to stay separately to rest of wedding party and spend the money you could have on a trip to see your husband's family, will stay with you much longer

This!!! You would be insane to go, it's a ridiculous amount of time and money for someone else's wedding.

What am I reading?! I cannot believe you're considering going! No one has the power over you. You do what you want. i wouldnt consider the flight time, the expense, the driving to the venue, all of it. Even if i were rich I wouldn't go. Just say, " I'm sorry I cannot afford to go. Have a lovely wedding." You do not need to be there. You are not the one getting, you're just the audience.

I wouldn’t go. I would be calm, state my reasons why (including the rubbish Accommodation) and wish them well.

who’s paying for your broke brother and what accommodation is he in?

I can’t imagine my parents or brothers putting me through this.

@TheSilentPicnic hsve you actually been to the South Pacific because I have and it takes a bloody long time. We flew to LA:10-11 hours. We stayed in LA before flying to Tahiti but had we gone straight to Tahiti there would have been a long layover in LAX (up to nine hours). We then flew to Tahiti. Another nine hours. We stayed on Tahiti but for people going to Moorea or Bora Bora that’s another layover and then a ferry (to Moorea) or a flight to Bora Bora.

I get the rest of your family is going so there is pressure.

Is it actually affordable? Do you really want to spend that kind of money on a holiday that isn't even on your terms? 5k just for flights, you'll potbqbly fork out another 5 for accommodation and meals/spending?

I'd face the 'wrath' of the family and say no. Don't haemorrhage money on something that's dictated by someone else.

I DESPISE destination weddings. Never thought I would. I pulled out of one this year (a cousin) and spent that money on new stone worktops for my house instead. My extended family have barely spoken to me since and I couldn't care less. It was all for insta. All these constant insta pics of perfection. 3 months later I still see throwback to the wedding pics. You know what, still don't care and so glad I didn't go. My own immediate family spent an average 8k each. And boy do they regret it!

"Please don't even try and guilt trip us into going. The answer will still be no"

This - it's a kick in the teeth. How many does the main villa hold?

If your family get angry at this then quite frankly, they are arseholes. How can they not see the issues?

I wouldn't go, DH and MIL come first this time especially when on a limited budget in a cost of living crisis.

Be prepared for a massive backlash though, it really does sound as though you and your sister are treated differently and they didn't treat your DH and his family well with your wedding. If Thailand was too far or too expensive they could have asked to research different options to do the best to accommodate both sides.

Are your parents contributing significantly to your sisters wedding and paying for your brother to go?

It also sounds like you going is convenient as you are expected to look after others. Don't pay through the nose for the privilege of being the help. Ensure you are on different flights.

The only way I'd have a wedding like this is if I was filthy rich and paying for people to go and be as comfortable as possible.

I am all for destination weddings, but I always attached that to the knowledge they would likely be very small in guest numbers. It is vvv unreasonable for your family to pressure you to be there, whilst paying for none of it. On top of your MIL being ill and so far away, there's absolutely no way I'd be going to the wedding. It's just a wedding. Also I would feel absolutely free imo to tell your sister the house situation is hugely insulting. Your family treat you like shit don't they. Save your guilt, this is on them.

Nope. Don’t go!

"Hi sis

I love you, but we just can't afford to go. The flights and accommodation are going to cost us too much. Plus travelling all that way with 2 young children is too much.

Have a wonderful time and we will celebrate with you when you get back.

Love @destinationisland "

This is pretty much what XH said to his sister word for word over her destination wedding 20 hours away.

She had a massive strop about it. So XMIL had massive strop about it, as sis was her favourite child and our motivation was clearly wanting to ruin sis's day... she couldn't see our genuine lack of desire to spend money we didn't have to give ourselves 2 weeks of hell on a holiday we didn't want.

MIL offered to pay for our flights and help with the kids when we got there. Again, not understanding the travel was prohibitive and there were more costs than the flights.

We stuck to our guns and didn't go. We had barbed comments for about 5 years for not going. Brushed them all off.

Then sil was bemoaning a difficult day with her toddler. Couldn't resist... "Can you understand now why we never came to your wedding? And we had 2 around that age."

Apparently she never had a problem with us not going, 🤣 I challenged her and reminded her of several of the things she said through the years. She tried to bluster her way through it, but she knew I'd called her out.

Not one more barbed comment.

So stick to your guns OP. Your money, your nuclear family, your life. Let them spend their money if they want to on the day they want. You don't have to be part of it.

Destination wedding to Spain / Greece / Italy where you can go for 4 days if necessary or a week or two if you want to make it into a holiday, is lovely. Even a week in a Mexico or Jamaica is fine - direct flight even if more expensive. Expecting family to trek to the South Pacific though is another level of ridiculous. Just say sorry, it’s too expensive and too far to travel with little ones. You’ll throw them a family party at your house when they’re back.

If that is what they want, fine, but if they choose a place with such long flights it is unfair to expect others to come

I wouldn't go. I live in aus and know how difficult long haul flights are even for adults. I would only fly that distance if needed I.e. to see a sick relative. Not for a wedding that doesn't need to be there.

Don't go, spend the energy and cash you have on celebrating your dh's 40th next year.

Previously you were paying for flights but not accommodation as you were staying at the main house? Is that right? I'd tell her the extra cost has pushed it into being unaffordable for you. Be prepared for the fall out and your parents taking her side.

Your sick MIL is the reason you can't go to this ridiculous wedding. How does your DH feel about the whole thing? I would say £5k is a minimum cost- my friends just spent £8k on flights to NZ. I feel for you though - there will no doubt be trouble ahead xx

This is another example of that 'Bloods thicker than water' nonsense'.

They have already ruined your wedding, so that alone should leave you with no moral conundrum about dismissing this nightmare trip out of hand. Sod what your parents think, they blackmailed you into having a wedding you didn't want.

Facts are, you are not really wanted at this wedding, it's too expensive, too much travelling and will use up annual leave that you know you'll need soon. Any one of those four reasons is reason enough to not to go.

Yes they'll be some fall out, but that's on them.

OP don't go and don't let yourself be guilted. If she wanted you there so badly she'd make room for you and be paying for your flights.