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Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/12/2022 11:25

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 10:38

That’s a fair point. I remember how scared I was of the dog packs when we went on bike rides when we lived on a pacific island.

Show quote history

Feral dogs would pose a high risk to small children. It gets dark incredibly early in the S Pacific. Just a quick google ‘feral dog kill child’ bring up so many incidents of feral dogs attacking and killing children.

Your sister hasn’t thought any of this though and you’re being bullied. There is no way on earth I’d go to this wedding.

Idk how you want to play it op. You could even tell a white lie and say your mil has deteriorated and you want to visit again in case it is the last time.

TheBirdintheCave · 06/12/2022 11:25

Is there any way you to go to Australia to visit your MIL a week or so before their wedding and then take a flight from Australia to the particular island they're getting married on?

SirMingeALot · 06/12/2022 11:25

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 11:20

@destinationisland

FFS your brother is changing his mortgage payments to attend this wedding!!!!

It's fucking nuts.

Also 'we can just about afford it financially' is not a good enough reason to attend. Shit journey with young children. Expensive. Shit accommodation. Possible feral dog attacks at night.

If you do go, go by yourself.

Have you actually got a quote for this destination wedding? When is it taking place? Just price it up now on Expedia

Yes, you're quite clearly not a family who can actually afford this sort of wedding OP. The bride and groom want your parents to help with their flight costs, your DB is having to release equity, you can apparently only afford it if it's lower than most people seem to think it would be... this sort of shenanigans is for wealthy families. No offence like. My lot couldn't run to it either.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:23

I wouldn’t want my children around people like this, I really wouldn’t

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:22

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all.

so baffled how one would continue to have a relationship with people like this

Natty13 · 06/12/2022 11:20

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:34

Apparently my parents learnt from their mistakes with us and don't want to interfere with my sister's plans.

Saying that, when we asked my parents to acknowledge it was a big ask and the history made us feel somewhat jealous and resentful, they denied ever pushing us. We just wanted it to be acknowledged by them so we could move on and not upset my sister with our resentment.

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all. They did help us finance it which is why they had that power but we wish we had have stood up to them and not accepted their money. It's another story but we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

Then my sister has the gall to mention she hopes our parents help her and her fiancé out with their flights!!

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we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

You've got form for putting the wants of others above you and what's best for you/your husband/your kids, then. You're doing it again. Why do this to yourself? I just don't understand how someone can have such little insight into setting themself up for an absolute nightmare.

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 11:20

@destinationisland

FFS your brother is changing his mortgage payments to attend this wedding!!!!

It's fucking nuts.

Also 'we can just about afford it financially' is not a good enough reason to attend. Shit journey with young children. Expensive. Shit accommodation. Possible feral dog attacks at night.

If you do go, go by yourself.

Have you actually got a quote for this destination wedding? When is it taking place? Just price it up now on Expedia

watermelonseeds · 06/12/2022 11:19

Save your money to see your ill MIL in Australia. That's a cast-iron excuse too. You'll regret not seeing her if something happens.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:16

FleasNavidad · 06/12/2022 11:14

"You’re exaggerating the flight time surely OP"

@Goodgrief82 RTFT it's 33-35 hours to Bora Bora and that's not including the 3 hours in the airport at this side and customs at the final destination. The OP can get there in may for 5k a quick search on Expedia shows. The price I posted was the adult price, it's slightly cheaper for children.

Oh I missed. How much was the flight?

FleasNavidad · 06/12/2022 11:14

"You’re exaggerating the flight time surely OP"

@Goodgrief82 RTFT it's 33-35 hours to Bora Bora and that's not including the 3 hours in the airport at this side and customs at the final destination. The OP can get there in may for 5k a quick search on Expedia shows. The price I posted was the adult price, it's slightly cheaper for children.

Rainbowsinthesky · 06/12/2022 11:08

OP - you are right to be very annoyed by the behaviour of both your sister & parents. This trip sounds like it might not be worth taking the kids to.

that being said you don’t want to come off as the one who ‘ruins’ the wedding.

How about one of the following:

  • is the wedding in school time by any chance - maybe say you have been told by the school you can’t go
  • is there any chance your boss can do you a favour and refuse your annual leave
  • could one of you go with one child or without the children, perhaps you saying DH needs to go to Aus to see MIL because she is unwell. Tell them you can’t afford both

Side rant. Destination weddings stress me out. If you have one pay up for those who you expect to be there or do not expect people to come. If you can’t afford to do the wedding exactly as you want out of your own pocket, then maybe you can’t have one? Good luck to you OP YANBU!!

Namrchangedforthis · 06/12/2022 11:07

Cost aside no way would I want to do that travel with young children, I definitely would not go and my sibling would totally understand as would I

pecanpie24 · 06/12/2022 11:05

OP, I wouldn't go, that is utterly disgusting to think that they expect you to pay that money? Tell them you cannot afford it and won't be attending.

pecanpie24 · 06/12/2022 11:03

You are immediate family. You should be in the Villa with them!? WTF?

Wiluli · 06/12/2022 11:01

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:58

Why would you even do that for a sister that you are clearly not at all close to 🤷‍♀️

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Was just going through her replies now . Yes I agree .

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:58

Wiluli · 06/12/2022 10:57

You have no right to dictate where they get married but you can make a choice to attend or not ? Maybe you can go and leave hubby with the kids ?

Why would you even do that for a sister that you are clearly not at all close to 🤷‍♀️

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:57

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 10:55

I'm blown away by all the responses, thanks so much to everyone for providing some clarity. I was worried I might be an entitled mother expecting too much compromise for having DC. My little family and DH's parents are the priority and if we do make go we will definitely make the side trip to stay with them.

To clarify, if DH and I had of got married abroad (we didn't) my sister would have happily attended - it was my parents that thought it was poor taste and didn't want any part of it. To be fair to them, my grandmother was still alive then but would not have been able to travel. DH has never really complained but it was very unfair on him.

We technically could just about manage it financially, but I am concerned about the rising costs of living and how that may affect us over the next 12 months or so. My brother will pay for his own flights, quite possibly drawing back on his mortgage. My parents will contribute to the wedding but I'd imagine it would be just be enough to cover the reception (as they did for mine).

Have you actually looked in to prices? £5k 4 people, 3 flights, other side of the world. No. Chance.

Wiluli · 06/12/2022 10:57

You have no right to dictate where they get married but you can make a choice to attend or not ? Maybe you can go and leave hubby with the kids ?

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:56

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/12/2022 10:54

The Pacific islands are eye-wateringly expensive when you get there too. I seem to recall getting a bill for over 100 US dollars for coffees and snacks in a cafe.

And the op thinks she can get there. 4 of them. For £5k

it looks like already all booked if there’s “no longer room in the main villa”

So they have booked up and then invited the Op. with no consultation. So obviously not close sisters at all.

her right to book a destination wedding.
op’s right to decline

DillDanding · 06/12/2022 10:56

We had a wedding abroad precisely because we didn’t want the whole shebang here. We didn’t invite anyone and had a reception when we got home.

I find it ridiculous that people expect guests to travel halfway around the world and pay a fortune just to attend a bloody wedding.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 10:55

I'm blown away by all the responses, thanks so much to everyone for providing some clarity. I was worried I might be an entitled mother expecting too much compromise for having DC. My little family and DH's parents are the priority and if we do make go we will definitely make the side trip to stay with them.

To clarify, if DH and I had of got married abroad (we didn't) my sister would have happily attended - it was my parents that thought it was poor taste and didn't want any part of it. To be fair to them, my grandmother was still alive then but would not have been able to travel. DH has never really complained but it was very unfair on him.

We technically could just about manage it financially, but I am concerned about the rising costs of living and how that may affect us over the next 12 months or so. My brother will pay for his own flights, quite possibly drawing back on his mortgage. My parents will contribute to the wedding but I'd imagine it would be just be enough to cover the reception (as they did for mine).

OP posts:
cstaff · 06/12/2022 10:54

The fact that your sis offered the villa to her friends makes me think that they are also having problems funding this and this was her way of enticing them. The costs are extortionate for a wedding and I would be wondering if her friends will pull out anyway. Has anyone booked flights or hotels yet.

From your perspective op it is insane to expect you to be able to fund and manage 4 of you to travel that far just for her wedding. I wouldn't mention your own wedding, just the costs and your mil being ill.

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/12/2022 10:54

The Pacific islands are eye-wateringly expensive when you get there too. I seem to recall getting a bill for over 100 US dollars for coffees and snacks in a cafe.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:53

My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa.

so… it’s already all booked.

Guessing you’re not the least bit close to your sister?

ScribblingPixie · 06/12/2022 10:51

I would definitely slide out of this one. You have been deprioritised to the point where you can honestly feel it's too much hassle for your family.