AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

Oops embarrassing, it popped up on my feed and I replied without checking the date.

Did she cave in and go? Or stick to her guns and tell sister NO?

Zombie thread. Wish mh would lock posts apart from the op after a couple of weeks

I really don't think the poster has been waiting for 17 months for you to reply @crockofshite 😂

Yes it really does take that long to get to some places. Not necessarily the time sitting on a plane but the total journey time from leaving home to arriving.

I've done the journey many times and it's a killer. I wouldn't do it with small kids, or to pander to someone else's Instagram choices.

@WhatAreYouOnAbout

What kind of nutter are you to
A. Resurrect this thread?
B. Put such a boring comment?

@destinationisland whatever happened Op? Hope you're all ok & family harmony has ensued!

(Now the thread has been resurrected, I'm curious!).

Nothing whatsoever would have me travelling that far & that long with young children.
40 hours 3 flights - its a killer & would be a firm no from me

Zombie

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. It is also not "bad form" to consider what you may need to do in lieu of going to a destination wedding (going to see your MIL, DH's 40th etc).

Don't let your parents dictate how you spend your time or money.

I also feel bad that your parent's acted as they did when you married. It sucks when parents make an "edict" and then change their opinion when it concerns someone else.

Not so funny story: When DH and I married, it was my 2nd and his 1st. It was just us, one of DH's friends and my ex-roommate. That was it. Neither set of parents bothered to come as it would have been a 370-mile drive and in winter, though, it also could have been gotten to via plane in an hour.....🙄

Eight years later, my DB was getting married, a 2nd marriage for him and his DW. It was about the same distance but over the border. My parents didn't miss it. Want to hazard a guess as to who paid for their plane tickets, as it was too far to drive? Even "funnier", three years after that, DPs decided to by a motor home and travel during the winter months. I guess the 400-500 miles a day was "easier" as they got older.....(scratching my head). 😆

Just don’t!

Having read several responses I think I side with those people saying 'don't go'.

The accommodation situation is the icing on the cake for me.

If you do go, You should know that you will be jetlagged for 3-5 days on arrival so if you don't want to be nodding off at the wedding (I draw from experience here!!) Then plan accordingly.

I know this might not be an option but could you join the pacific Islands and aussie trip together? Sometimes there are flights that go LAX-pacific island- Australasia.

Spend all your savings on seeing your mother in law before she passes away, really important for your DH say goodbye to his mother or go to your self centred sisters wedding??
If she’s putting you away from everyone else on the island, it’s a 30 - 40 hour flight to get there with 2 small children, she’s putting enough blockers there to make it difficult for you. Which is hurtful yes.
Save yourself the grief, expense & go to see your MIL instead.

I would simply say, sorry we can't afford it as we will have no leave or money to visit ill MIL. We'll take you out for lovely meal back home instead. Stick to it. Good luck.

*not just saying it, doing it too!

@destinationisland - I really hope you've decided not to go and won't be swayed by any emotional blackmail/guilt-tripping/sheer nastiness of other family members! I do think saying you'll take your sister and maybe other family members out for a lovely meal as a wedding present and to celebrate together on their return would be a lovely gesture. I also think you should ask someone (maybe one of your sister's friends who'll be staying in the villa) to video the highlights and organize a live stream from the actual wedding on the day, so that you and others who won't physically be attending the wedding will be able to follow it from afar.
I'm sorry, I've only read the OP's posts, but it just occurs to me how awful it might be if her nuclear family were to make the expensive and tiresome journey only to find that her sister was one of those people who said children were not allowed at the wedding.. But that could never happen, surely?!

Don't go. When you have definitely made that decision, you will feel immense relief.
Just respond official in writing. Explain you are "unable to attend" . There's no need to offer reasons. As Royalty do, " Never complain, never explain"

Nothing to add but it's the easiest YANBU I've voted on.....stay at home & be prepared for any car / mil emergency.
👍

If people insist on a destination wedding they have to be prepared to accept that not everyone can come.

Just say sorry you can't afford it and frankly if I were you I would not be able to stop myself from reminding them how they reacted to your original wedding plans.

This! For sure!!!! It's a spot on response. Don't give it a further moments thought.

Absolutely up to them where they get married. Destination weddings can be fab. But in doing so they have to understand that there may be people who cannot go. It is also unreasonable to expect you to pay this much money to go.

If it was closer to home in terms of travel and less costly then I’d likely go. But as it stands I probably would tell your sister that you can’t go. It’s hard because it’s close family, but then being that close I would have thought about the logistics of getting loved ones there in terms of financial means and time/accessibility.

I also understand completely the frustration you must feel about your own wedding. You compromised to ensure your family could go at the expense of your DH’s family, only for your sister to have an elaborate wedding with no connection to the destination. This whole situation is unfair.

I would not be going. Good luck OP.

99% of people have said you shouldn't go, OP.

Job done.

i'll lock up and switch off the lights.

YANBU VOTE HERE !!!

My family like yours is very centred around pleasing my siblings (both are boys). Therefore I have had this very similar situation. I did not go and I got a lot of blow back for it. It still gets mentioned 5 years later that I did not attend there celebrations as a bitc*y comment. So please be aware that this could also happen with you. However I do just ignore it and explain that I had my valid reasons and if they wanted me there, they could of made different decisions. Putting the ball firmly back in their court for fault.

I do completely understand it's hard to put your foot down and insist that the cost of the wedding in annual leave, price for flights and now accommodation is just too high, and not possible for you to find within your budget. I understand destination celebrations but at the end of the day when you make that choice you also forfeit having all friends and loved ones there.

I know how hard it is to do especially because of parents but I would be firm, don't fall out with them over it, just explain the VALID reasons (uses all your leave, DH might need to visit extremely poorly mother, the actual price of flights, food and accommodation, the children on an extremely long flight) you have for not being able to attend. It may be an immediate family members wedding but that doesn't initial them to dictate that you must attend.
Keep strong OP.

I wouldn't go.
I was in a similar situation but financially I'd have had to put myself and children into debt to attend so just said it wasn't a possibility. There was a bit of a strop over it as we are all part of her wedding party but after she calmed down enough to think clearly I think she saw what a ridiculous expectation it was.
Hopefully it will be the same for you

The idea of a 'destination wedding' is so tacky and selfish! It's bad enough that one day turns normally sane people (mostly women) into monsters who HAVE to have everything their way or their lives are ruined forever, but to suggest guests spend that much money and time... The carbon footprint is appalling, quite aside from anything else. (You say there are no cars in this part of the island - does that mean it's a sort of reserve, or just the back of beyond? Doesn't sound like an ideal place to have a wedding, TBH.) And your sister will just be contributing to a crappy, empty industry in a very unsustainable way. There are so many lovely and unusual places to get married in the UK. Or even closer to home than the Pacific!

Why on earth can't she and her fiance just bugger off out there, get wed, come back home and have a great party, perhaps with another ceremony?

She's not really showing you much sisterly love, is she - shoving you out of the main villa and basically leaving you to fend for youself? In all honesty, I wouldn't go. Not with children that young, that length of trip and the current clusterfuck of climate crisis + cost of living crisis.

I'm always astonished how people manage to get so many people to go abroad for their wedding. It costs LOADS of money for something that would otherwise essentially be free! Not to mention time off work etc..Can't imagine many ppl doing it for me.

All I’ll say @TheSilentPicnic is…. Brace yourself!