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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

189 replies

Pontipinetree · 22/11/2022 19:45

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 22/11/2022 20:39

If the money is so relied on, are you sure it's going to the individual children? I would be going down the selection box/ puzzle book type route I think.
If you do choose to buy a family present that's fine. People should be grateful for any gift they get.
You don't owe MIl an explanation, I can't recall my adult children ever asking how much I was spending on their children's cousins.

Harrysutton · 22/11/2022 20:39

Is it family? How close are the different sets? Definitely draw a line and start doing something differently.

canonlydoblue · 22/11/2022 20:37

Are you sure your mil isn't just stirring things up? I'm a mum of six and go out of my way to tell friends and relatives that gifts are not necessary. I can't believe anyone would say their children rely on getting £20 once a year...

Beautiful3 · 22/11/2022 20:37

Ten pounds each with a selection box would be nice too.

Athenen0ctua · 22/11/2022 20:37

Same amount per child, drop to £10 if need be.

HelsyQ · 22/11/2022 20:35

Aww no. That’s really sad for the children seeing the others get more.

someone suggested working out your total budget and dividing that between all the children, that sounds like a good idea.

Neanov · 22/11/2022 20:35

purpleme12 · 22/11/2022 19:48

No it's not fair.
You need to do per child
If it's too much money you just have to reduce how much you give to every single child (not just that family)

I read your post correctly. 7 kids and continuing to expand is quite a lot. I do not think it should be expected from the parents that anyone has to buy all 7 kids can you imagine on other occasions too such as birthdays? I know it seems unfair BUT if you choose to have a large family.... I don't think you should hold the expectation that OP must buy all 7 kids. Crikey

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/11/2022 20:35

8 children is abnormally large. 4 children is a large family. 8 is virtually unheard of in current times. They must be aware that they have an unusual number of children. These children will share things heavily throughout the year, because unless the parents are rolling in it, they will need to share as many resources/hand me downs as possible just to keep afloat.

Apparently it's ok for them recognise they have too many 8 children and to pool together. But you should not be allowed too.

Absolutely a family gift. Then they can divide it amongst their children. If you can't afford 8 children and are "reliant" on £20 once a year, then don't have 8 children! Not your problem to bankroll how irresponsible they are OP.

Beautiful3 · 22/11/2022 20:34

Wow, it's quite rude of them to say that it's relied upon! I think gifting a game and box of biscuits/chocolates, per family is a lovely gift.

MelchiorsMistress · 22/11/2022 20:34

I’d give each child £10. It doesn’t matter if it’s less than they’re used to.

Or if that’s still too expensive, selection boxes.

XingMing · 22/11/2022 20:32

They don’t get to decide how much other people spend on the children they chose to have.

think this cuts to the nub of the argument.

purpleme12 · 22/11/2022 20:28

Neanov · 22/11/2022 20:25

Are you the person with more than 2 kids though? OP should not have to stretch herself that is not what Xmas is about how terrible.

I would do selection boxes or something OP.

Show quote history

It sounds like you didn't read my post?
I never said anything of the sort!
I actually said if you read it if it's too much money she's needs to reduce the amount she's spending on every single child (not just the children in the big family) - so that every child is treated equally.
And no I've got one child 🤣

RobinRobinMouse · 22/11/2022 20:28

My rule is if there are more than 3 children you get a family gift. They must know that by having so many children they are making it very expensive for those around them to buy gifts etc.

berksandbeyond · 22/11/2022 20:26

I wouldn't give them a penny. Buy 7 selection boxes instead. It's not your fault they chose to have a litter

Neanov · 22/11/2022 20:25

purpleme12 · 22/11/2022 19:48

No it's not fair.
You need to do per child
If it's too much money you just have to reduce how much you give to every single child (not just that family)

Are you the person with more than 2 kids though? OP should not have to stretch herself that is not what Xmas is about how terrible.

I would do selection boxes or something OP.

Claudia84 · 22/11/2022 20:24

You're giving money to the children though, not the parents? So give equal money to the children. If it needs to be less per child then so be it.

Original poster
Pontipinetree · 22/11/2022 20:23

That said with £50 for each family the 2 child families are actually getting more so maybe this is why I’ve been criticised.

OP posts:
CeeceeBloomingdale · 22/11/2022 20:22

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/11/2022 20:16

That’s not the OP’s problem to fix though, that’s on their parents.

Show quote history

Well no, but who would want to compound it? These are children OP loves, not fictional characters and presumely she gains joy from them giving gifts.

Original poster
Pontipinetree · 22/11/2022 20:22

Hippyatheart58 · 22/11/2022 20:18

I really think family gifts are the way to go from now on. This is a huge amount of money (to me anyway). I honestly could not afford it. I expect you also give during the year for the many birthdays aswell? Do you have children who receive also from them. I feel because you haven't mentioned them you are the childless couple who are expected to have all the money. Your generosity is not appreciated and a new approach to Christmas needs to be taken I think.

Yes we do birthdays , It’s funny because everyone else said they totally understood and how it’s been hard for them too etc and it wasn’t a problem except for one family. I do feel guilty but we just can’t stretch to it this year. We always host on boxing day too and that is a lot as well and we can’t do it anymore as everything is so much more expensive

we don’t give the gifts on that day though as obviously that would look unfair if each child gets different we give the money gift in the Christmas card we give a few days before Xmas

OP posts:
Original poster
Pontipinetree · 22/11/2022 20:18

Winter2020 · 22/11/2022 20:15

My son got one of these for his birthday. He is 13 and still enjoyed it having his name on.

They are £10 but when I googled to find out the price there is a 20% off code so I assume that would cover delivery if you are buying a couple or more.

There are Santa's and polar bears that can be personalised too.

Something different.

That’s a really good idea ! Thankyou

OP posts:
Hippyatheart58 · 22/11/2022 20:18

I really think family gifts are the way to go from now on. This is a huge amount of money (to me anyway). I honestly could not afford it. I expect you also give during the year for the many birthdays aswell? Do you have children who receive also from them. I feel because you haven't mentioned them you are the childless couple who are expected to have all the money. Your generosity is not appreciated and a new approach to Christmas needs to be taken I think.

Victoriaplum81 · 22/11/2022 20:17

Pontipinetree · 22/11/2022 19:45

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

Wow! A gift is a gift and should be greatly appreciated not replied upon! You give what you feel happy with. Whoever told you they rely on it is taking the piss out of you!

Whiskyvodka · 22/11/2022 20:16

Well if it’s relied in then they shouldn’t be having an 8th dc.

Give what you can afford and ignore the message from mil.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/11/2022 20:16

CeeceeBloomingdale · 22/11/2022 20:12

Definitely give them all the same amount, even if it's a smaller amount. Surely the kids with 7 siblings gets less the rest of the year than the smaller families do so they would benefit more with say £10 each rather than watch an only child who has the moon on a stick receive £20 while they get £5.

That’s not the OP’s problem to fix though, that’s on their parents.

Winter2020 · 22/11/2022 20:15

My son got one of these for his birthday. He is 13 and still enjoyed it having his name on.

They are £10 but when I googled to find out the price there is a 20% off code so I assume that would cover delivery if you are buying a couple or more.

There are Santa's and polar bears that can be personalised too.

Something different.

Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??
Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??