Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

Christmas can be a giant PITA. Brings out the worst in some people. Including me 😊

Reduce the amount for everyone. Give £10, not £20, to every child. That way, everyone is treated equally. Just do it. Do not explain. People who are receiving money from you are not owed an explanation.

Do you actually hand over the money to each child? Sorry if you've said and I've missed it or not understood. Them being reliant on it makes me think that you are giving all the money in the card to the parents who use it to cover their Christmas expenses? Maybe the kids don't actually know that you are giving them £20 each and never see it. If you are not already doing this what would happen if you put it in each child's hand? It's a lot of money to find for 8 kids. If you are giving the money to the parents of each family then there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving an equal amount to each family.

My Dad gave money gifts last year. He has three daughters. I'm the only one with kids. Let's say he gave my sisters £300 each and me £200 and then each of my children £50. He's doing the same amount per daughter or household but doesn't give the £300 to me he puts the kids money in their hands or account so they know he gave them that gift and it's to be used for them.

Or maybe a pack of condoms for the parents wrapped in Christmas paper...... seriously WHY do you think commenting on their choice of family size is appropriate? Do you give jokey little fertility herbs to childless people?

That would be fairer.

I think it's a bit strange to give £50 cash to a family. What are they meant to do with it?

Either give the kids less money each - £10 or £15 - or get a gift for the whole family like a hamper, a silly game to play, something like that.

Knock this right on the head. I was an only child, my aunts had lots of children and it was too expensive. So my DF said he would get a big tin of chocolates for each family.

No one relies on gifts.

I think a family present is fine but money per family isn’t . It’s not fair to give some nieces/nephews £25 each and others £7 based on how many siblings they have. That’s quite a difference!

Or maybe a pack of condoms for the parents wrapped in Christmas paper......

Per child, of course!

It's relied on? That's so cheeky! A gift is just that, not an expectation. I'd suggest it's time to say you are all only buying for your own kids now that times are getting tougher. It's not unreasonable to say that. But if you are gifting I would say it needs to be per child.

🤣

I wouldn’t like to give money in this situation at all, no guarantee that children see these money actually. It also seems that there is a lot of gossiping about your gifts. I have relatives like this so can tell with certainty they will talk and moan whatever you give them, so choose something that gives you the joy of gifting. Give each child a personalized Santa or fiver and selection box or board game per family , whatever you think is better and you’d like (and can afford!) to give.

I have 4 children, my sisters both have one each. We stopped doing wrapped gifts years ago as it would cost them a fortune compared to me.

It is very reasonable to give the families a family gift each, eg. Board game or something they can do together as a family.

For their cheek, I'd give them a six-pack bag of Aldi crisps and tell them it's a jigsaw of a potato!

Good grief, I can't get past this! This is insane.

A gift is at the discretion of the giver.
A Christmas gift is not an obligation or a contract. You are allowed to change what you do and it is very rude for anyone to express any dissatisfaction to you. It is very reasonable to give the families a family gift each, eg. Board game or something they can do together as a family. You don't need to justify this change to anyone

I find it weird that the children are considered part of each siblings portion. To my min they are family members in their own right. Give them a present, don’t give them a present but don’t do some weird £x/number of children for each family.

home made glitter Xmas cards are free

All the hoover bags and carpet shampoo aren't

Oh that was each not watch

To buy more not 'watch'

YeAh I don't get why any parents who have chosen to have large families expect that their siblings can afford to buy watch if their DCs individual gifts

I have 3DCs and my family adjusted budgets down quite understandably the more babies I had!!! Quite right too! It doesn't stop them moving my DCs, hugs, kind thoughts and home made glitter Xmas cards are free ... my DCs have always been very grateful for whatever they get even if it's a pack of £1-2 whispa bars. I find it very CF when any parents insist on their burgeoning family getting expensive preempts pwe child when one family has multiple DCa and others don't. It's not for others to subside and I have one of the larger families in ours...

I can understand MIL being upset for the dcs who clearly don't get the same amount of money or time spent on them due to being a larger family.

I do feel for the kids, who never asked to be part of a massive family; but it's not up to OP to be expected to make it up to them, when she carefully planned her own family based around affordability and, it seems, somebody else didn't take the trouble to do the same. MIL could always step up and stump up more, if she's so concerned.

Good point about birthdays, too - that's effectively being expected to pay the same again x8 as Christmas, albeit spread throughout the year. People will say it sounds churlish to even consider it, as it's presents for kids, but it's still money that has to be found in a limited budget - just as parents have to consider when budgeting for presents for their own kids.

I think I would sound out yours and dh's siblings and suggest that as everyone is under financial pressure that the gift giving is stopped this year and restrict it to each dcs' birthday. I would instead still host the Boxing Day even if on a less lavish scale.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to cut it down to a restricted amount each family but I can understand MIL being upset for the dcs who clearly don't get the same amount of money or time spent on them due to being a larger family.

I’d be interested to know what presents OP’s two kids get from this family. Do the family expect (or rely on) £140 worth of presents for their 7 kids and give £40 worth of presents to OP’s kids?

That's a very good point, actually. Even if each family is expected to give the same to each niece and nephew, there's nothing stopping the parents of the 8 kids from giving a significantly higher (but still equal) amount to each of their N&Ns, to take account of the fact that their family costs everybody much more.

Incidentally, with the ever-mysterious 'rely on' thing, it would be interesting to see the reaction if OP still spent £20 on every child but gave it as a gift rather than cash. That would make it very obvious if the parents are funnelling some/all of the present money off elsewhere.

I'm not wanting to get at parents who choose bigger families at all, but there is an element of personal responsibility involved. We know a family with 11 kids and they've complained about the HA not offering them a bigger house. It rather begs the question as to just how big they think the HA's houses go! Same with this, having 8 children and just expecting everybody to keep stumping up the same per-child costs. It's a conscious choice to have 3-5 times as many children as the average family; surely you realise that the world/other individuals just aren't set up for your extreme (chosen) circumstances - just the same in principle as a 45-stone person turning up for a booked seat on an aeroplane and being genuinely surprised to find that they simply won't fit in it.

That's a super idea

Xmas to us is about playing Charades, Taboo or Pictionary so why not gift each family one board Game this year. They are about £25 each